Always Low Prices. At Any Cost. (Satire)

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Wednesday October 26, 2005 · 11:00 AM PDT

2005/10/26 · 11:00

CNN reports that an internal memo sent to the Board of low-price juggernaut Wal-Mart revealed the company's strategy for combating rising benefit costs. Recommendations include hiring more part-time workers, cutting the company's 401K contribution, and increasing the cost of spouse insurance coverage.

Another suggestion for keeping health costs low is to discourage fitness-challenged people from applying by manipulating all job descriptions to "include some physical activity (e.g., all cashiers do some cart-gathering)."

The memo goes on to recommend new policies to ensure compliance. Beginning in January 2006:

The position of Wal-Mart Greeter, formerly held by potentially frail retirees, will now be filled by unpaid college interns or high school students compensated by work-study credit.

All part-time employees will be implanted with a palm crystal similar to the device used in the movie "Logan's Run." Once the employee has worked thirty hours in one week, the crystal will flash as a warning. At thirty-three hours, a tiny siren within the device will squeal. For defiant employees who reach thirty-five hours, a strong sedative will be released into their bloodstream so that they may be peacibly removed from the property until their hours reset the following week.

All job fairs and recruitment seminars will be conducted at a local fitness center. Potential employees will fill out a ten-page application; each page must be earned by completing a physical challenge. All employees with ten complete pages then vote out half of their number. (Spouses of potential employees must participate alongside the applicant.)

Because, according to the memo, a seven-year employee earns more than a one-year employee but is no more productive, employees who have been with the company more than one year will be welcomed into a newly formed employee support group, where their confidence and self-worth will be systematically undermined. Any employees still on the payroll after the second year will be automatically enrolled in another new program, VILE (Vermin In Lockers of Employees).

A spokesperson for Wal-Mart acknowledges that these measures are unconventional, but reaffirmed the company's commitment to low prices. "Of course, we'll screen employees for possible allergies to the sedative in the palm crystal, and the application process will be supervised by paramedics. We aren't unreasonable, we're just willing to go the extra mile so that our customers can get cheap kitty litter."

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