Miers Nomination Withdrawn - The Prequel (Satire)

Cynikell

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Friday October 28, 2005 · 4:39 AM PDT

2005/10/28 · 04:39

Bush, Rove, and Miers in the Oval Office.

Bush: "Things have gotten a little messy with this nomination thing, Harriet."

Miers: "I'm sorry about that, George. You know I'd never intentionally cause you any trouble."

Bush: "I know, I don't blame you. We may have made some... we may have miscalculated a few things. I didn't think they even READ those questionnaire things."

Rove: "We've got to get ourselves out of this, Harriet."

Bush: "We'd like for you to request that we withdraw your nomination. Of course, we'll reluctantly accept."

Miers: "Okay. What reason will we give?"

Bush (hesitates): "We're still working on that."

Miers: "I could say I want to spend time with my family."

Rove: "What family?"

(silence)

Miers: "I could say I want to start a family."

Bush: "No one will buy that, Harriet."

(silence)

Miers: "I'll say I have a heart condition."

Rove: "That won't work - he already told everyone he picked you for your good heart."

(silence)

Miers: "Can I think about this for a day and get back to you --"

Rove: "NO! We have to do this TODAY!"

Miers: "Uh, okay ... I just thought if I had a little more time -"

Rove: "It has to be TODAY! NOW! Before the indict-- ... well, before other things happen that might get too much press."

(Silence)

Bush: "I know! We'll say that they're insisting that you release sensitive White House documents."

Miers: "But they aren't."

Bush: "The public won't know that, Harriet."

Miers: "Yes, they will."

Bush: "Let's try it anyway."

(Phone rings. Rove leaps to his feet.)

Bush: "Karl, sit down. It's not Fitzgerald, his calls go to voicemail."

(Rove sits. Bush answers the phone, has brief discussion in hushed tones, hangs phone up. Turns around solemnly.)

Bush: "Pizza's here!"

Miers (taking notes): "Okay, so I'm supposed to say that I've asked you to withdraw the nomination because they're asking for privileged information?"

Rove: "You are concerned that the confirmation process presents a burden for the White House and its staff and it is not in the best interest of the country."

Bush: "Good, Karl. Anchovies okay? I think there will be anchovies."

Rove: "Say, `It is clear that senators would not be satisfied until they gained access to internal documents concerning advice provided during my tenure at the White House -- disclosures that would undermine a president's ability to receive candid counsel.'"

Bush: "I like that. Can I say it instead?"

Rove (thinks): "Yes, that will probably work."

(Pizza arrives. Bush and Rove grab huge slices. Rove wipes his mouth on his tie.)

Miers: "I'll get started on my statement right away." (leaves)

Rove (chewing): "So who should we nominate to replace Harriet?"

Bush: "We have some time. I'll call Harry Reid."

Rove (choking): "Are you NUTS?"

Bush (startled): "What?"

Rove: "That worked so well for you LAST time. If he told you to nominate Cher, would you?"

Bush: "Of course not, Karl. I mean, she IS a woman, right? That'd get Laura off my back, but Cher doesn't represent my Christian values. But I liked that Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves song, how'd that go again?"

Rove: "Look, just call Dobson."

Bush: "Hey, how `bout that Mexican fella I put in some high office a while back?"

Rove: "Alberto Gonzales? Attorney General?"

Bush: "Yeah! He's a minority! Wasn't he on the Supreme Court in Texas?"

Rove (thinking): "That's not a bad idea."

Bush (excited): "Get THIS - then I could nominate HARRIET for Attorney General! And we already know her position on torture. That'd show 'em!"

Rove: "NOW you're thinking! You gonna eat that crust?"

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