Tonite on this cool, July summer evening I sit opposite my laptop ten months away from my college graduation. My mind and my soul are inundated with stress, anxiety, and an unsure conception of my own identity as a human being. I wouldn't classify my state as depressed, but during these past few years I certainly have not lived content nor satisfied with my existence.
I have many things going for me on the outside: I am smart, personanable, attractive enough, ivy-league educated, etc...My future, at least professionaly - appears promising.
Yet....something lingers deep inside of me that I have not overcome during these coming-of-age collegiate years. I worry generally how others view me. I know its a Peter Keating lifestyle, and that I should emulate Howard Roark, but thats easier said than done. Is it part of being a youngster? A growing pain? Or am I losing my innocence suddenly?
I have much to learn, to experience, and to absorb in the times to come. I have never been in love, never experienced the death of someone close , never even worked a 9-5. Perhaps this all began when my high school football career concluded. I can't let go of HS football. I know, thats pathetic. I am probably that guy who will put his jacket inside the coat room at a party and receive a ticket with his high school football number and grin childishly, even at the age of like 39. Perhaps it happened when I departed for college and said bye to the childhood friends and the family. I've read that "you can't go home again." Actually I never read that, but John Kerry said it at his nomination speech.
What keeps me going is politics, football, working out, and friends. But what will give me my happiness that I certainly lack today? Love? A wife? Does that mean if I am not in love, and not happily married, that I will be depressed, or not satisfied like tonite? Thats a melancholy thought - one requires love to be happy? Hope I find that love then.
I don't live in today's life. I go for long runs and daydream about being an impressive US Senator, or Governor who is running for President at that age of 39 and impressing the world. I'll run for 45 minutes and think of my acceptance speech at the nomination, or of my farewell address to the nation, or of my debate with an opponent. When I run, I think about the happiness I will have tomorrow. I also reflect on the past, on high school football, on old relationships, on a world that no longer exists. After watching the "Big Chill" it reminded me of old friends reuniting every 15 years to get all nostalgic. But if you only reunite at funerals, weddings, anniverserys etc. (every 10 years) then your only looking at remnants of a life no longer existing.
So I dream of tomorrow, think of yesteryear, and don't live today. Its simply a shield, a shield to protect myself from an unhappy existence. I read somewhere that you can't find happiness if you are not in the moment.
I tend to ponder the meaning of the world, and my life during these summer nights. I can't possibly imagine that we exist without a higher meaning of some sort. I can't believe that the world completley evolved from a ball of particles that exploded. Someone, something higher had a hand in it. If we live 100 years and die without a God involved, then that is pretty damn pointless. I didn't read this somewhere. But I do read alot. Evolution and all is intriguing but someone started the big bang.
And so soon I wrap up these college years, entering a world where I certainly am not filled with jubilation. I wake up with a fast-heart beat. Im not depressed, nor happy. Life is peaks and valleys, beginnings and ends - I've read that - but where does it all lead?
Just some reflections. On a summer night in July.