The curtain rises, revealing a stage crowded with people rushing about, some carrying crosses, some carrying protest signs, many shouting, everyone looking either angry or worried.
Eventually the audience is able to discern parts of the shouts amid the flurry of noise:
"Happy Holidays! No, it's Merry Christmas! What are you, anti-Jesus? Boycott Wal-Mart! Boycott Target! It's a War Against Christmas! Evolution. Just a theory! What are you, anti-God? Intelligent Design must be taught! Supporting gay partners? Boycott Ford! What are you, anti-Christian? Flag burning should be a crime! What are you, anti-American? Are you with us, or with the terrorists?"
In the back corner of stage far-right, almost invisible because of the commotion, stands a small group of white males with crew cuts, dressed in dark conservative suits, wearing sunglasses, huddled around reading a stack of papers. Again almost unnoticeable to the audience, the men slowly draw previously concealed weapons and move offstage.
One of these men unknowingly drops a sheet of paper during his exit.
The commotion continues.
Enter stage right a young boy and his mother carrying shopping bags.
Boy, picking up paper and reading as he walks: "Classified: No Such Agency Operation Christmas Search...."
Boy's Mother, snapping at him: "Put that thing down! It's been on the ground! It's dirty! We have shopping to do!"
The boy tosses it in the trash as he and his mother walk across and exit stage left.
The commotion continues.
"Happy Holidays! No, it's Merry Christmas! What are you, anti-Jesus? Boycott Wal-Mart! Boycott Target! It's a War Against Christmas! Evolution. Just a theory! What are you, anti-God? Intelligent Design must be taught! Supporting gay partners? Boycott Ford! What are you, anti-Christian? Flag burning should be a crime! What are you, anti-American? Are you with us, or with the terrorists?"
Lights dim.
Curtain falls.
As the audience files out of the theatre, a few discuss the play as they walk.
Pedestrian One: "Very exciting!"
Pedestrian Two: "Yes! I love plays about American ideals and values!"
Pedestrian Three, almost talking to himself: "The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King."
Pedestrians One and Two look at each other and veer off to the right, walking away: "What was up with THAT weirdo?"
It's cold outside, so they walk faster. As they pass a newspaper vendor, no one pays attention to the headline.
Everyone's got a lot of shopping to do. After all, it's Christmas.
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