, Corporations are now free to operate recklessly and without Regard to Employee Safety
or Shareholder Security
without the Threat of burdensome Regulation,
AND WHEREAS Classified Matters of National Security are now available for Political Gain,
[More after the jump]
AND WHEREAS Wars
between Nations are now to be waged at the Convenience of various Public Relations Officials,
AND WHEREAS the press is no longer free, but is instead rather expensive,
AND WHEREAS the Old Course at St. Andrews is now open for play to the masses,
AND WHEREAS Cronies are free to fill High Offices with their utter lack of Knowledge and abundant absence of Expertise,
AND WHEREAS Great strides have been made in curtailing the senseless Control the often moody and emotionally fragile Female has over Her own Body,
AND WHEREAS Homosexuals have successfully been contained to the state of Massachusetts and the Thursday 9:30 EST Time Slot on NBC,
AND WHEREAS Latinos are now welcome to pick our Cabbage, so long as they return to Juarez before Sundown,
AND WHEREAS the Great Religions of Mankind are now denigrated to push an Agenda of Fear,
AND WHEREAS, in brief, a Climate of Malfeasance, Corruption, and Incompetence has so gripped the Leadership of this Great Land,
AND WHEREAS it is incumbent on all Citizens to be reminded of and honor the seminal moments of inappropriate Behavior by Public Officials in the Past,
I, by the Authority of various nefarious Interests headquartered in window-less black Towers across our Great Nation, hereby do declare this coming Seventh Day of October, and each subsequent Seventh Day of October, to be forever now known as Wilbur Mills Day.
WHEREAS, hence forth, the District of Columbia shall ignore all Municipal Ordinances pertaining to open alcohol Containers and Decency of Dress on each October 7th to accommodate Revelers, Public Burlesque Shows, or Patriots wishing to reenact the events of October 7th, 1974,
AND WHEREAS the Festivities shall conclude at Dusk with a ceremonial Swan Dive into the Tidal Basin by the Woman fortunate enough to have been elected Queen of the Wilbur Mills Day Parade in tribute to Annabelle Battistella (a.k.a. Fanne Fox, a.k.a. "the Argentine Firecracker," a.k.a. "the Tidal Basin Bombshell").
AND WHEREAS this Celebration will in no Way, Shape or Form condone domestic Violence, binge-drinking, operating an Automobile while intoxicated, or Fleeing from the Authority of the Law,
BUT shall begin with a Reminder to the Public in a Statement by the Marshall of the Wilbur Mills Day Parade that Congressman Mills was a Democrat, and that while the Incident being celebrated was a tremendous personal Embarrassment to Rep. Mills and was little more than Fodder for Gossip to Anyone else, it is the Democratic Party that is the true Villain to Moral Decency and the everlasting Obstacle to good governance.
AND WHEREAS Evidence of this can be found a Generation after Rep. Mills' time in Congress in the Person of Rep. William Jefferson, a man who is thankfully not sitting on the House Banking Subcommittee, and whose alleged Sins far outweigh those committed by any contemporaneous Republican.
BE IT SO ENACTED this First Day of June in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Six.