August 26, 2005
From: Department of Homeland Security
To: Every Single City in the U.S.
From this day forward,henceforth, and post haste, all national defense responsibilities for foreign attacks on your city will be completely and totally your job. This includes attacks by land, air, and sea. The policy just described will require each city in the United States to create its very own Army, Navy, and Air Force. Our advice is just to privatize the whole thing.
This policy is being enacted in an ongoing effort to reduce the size of the federal government. To be honest, we have decided that the country is just too big, it takes too long to mobilize our armed forces, and there's too much paperwork. If we are watching the TV and learn that the attack is coming we will try to let you know, but no promises.
We apologize in advance for any inconvenience this might cause.