Ok, I'm a teenager, and I do all of that crazy teenager stuff in my spare time. Going to malls (but only with friends, as those places drive me insane), check out the latest action flick at the cinema (on an unrelated note, Sin City equals great neo film noir!), engage in various activities that I likely won't be proud of in ten years, that kind of stuff. All things considered, I live a fairly normal life. Well, as normal as anyone's life can be.
So imagine my surprise and horror when a group of Army Recruitment goons try intimidate my and my friends, almost using physical violence, into attending some recruitment meeting.
My story beings at the local mall. All names and places have been removed for my own protection and anonymity. I'm with three friends, just hanging out, thinking about getting a job application from the mall's bookstore. The four of us are approached by three very average-looking guys. They're dressed pretty casually, looking about in the mid-twenties. One of them notices my Green Lantern shirt and says to me, "Hey man, Hal Jordan was the shit."
We strike up a conversation on comics, the return of Hal Jordan, and the DC universe in general. It's nice and pleasant. I'm thinking, Hey, these guys are all right!, because anyone who thinks that Hal Jordan is the best Green Lantern is ok in my book. Anyway, this guy asks us where we're all going to college next year, as it came up in conversation that we're all seniors from the local high school, the same one they claimed to have graduated from. He sounded off our college choices, mostly liberals arts schools in the northeast.
Then, out of nowhere, one of them has a brochure in his hands. It was like a magician, pulling a rabbit out of a hat. First nothing, then brochure. He hands it to me and says that we could all get our college paid for and invites us to an informational meeting the next weekend. The brochure looks like a technical college kind of thing, mentioning "fun work" in "technology fields for the jobs of tomorrow." Then I realize that the brochure is plastered with the old Army slogans: "Travel the World!," "Have your college paid for!," that kind of stuff. Except the brochure doesn't mention the Army or ANY branch of the armed services at all.
I ask the guy if it's for the Army, and he just smiles at me and says, "College isn't the only option out there, dudes." Ok, I'm done with this guy, I figure. I smile, say No thank you, sir, and motion to my friends. The head guy says he needs our names, phone numbers, and addresses, so we can be put into the "Not Interested Database." Yeah bloody right. Again, I say no thank you and move off. They block us again. The head guy says, "We're getting your names, kid." I turn around, and two more Army guys have materialized out of nowhere, undoubtedly having moved in while we were talking. It's the four of us being surrounded by five Army guys that look like they tear phonebooks in half for light exercise.
We stand there, surrounded and scared shitless, for about ten seconds that feel like hours. Then, one of my friends, a girl, screeches, "RAAAPE! GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF OF ME!," and screams so loud that I'm certain glass cracked somewhere nearby. This distracted the Army guys long enough for me to break between two of them with my shoulder, and we ran through the hole like bats out of hell. We ran the ENTIRE length of the mall, through the parking lot, piled into my car, and peeled out of there in one minute flat. I don't even know if they were chasing us, but I think they didn't because there is NO way that I could have outran these guys.
What's the moral of the story? Simple. Many of you are parents. If you have kids who are my age, in their late teens preparing for college, warn them! These recruitment guys are going to stoop to some serious stuff to fill their quotas, even if that means roughing up someone. Now, I do not plan on revealing my name, my location, or this event to the authorities. First off, I'm scared these Gestapo bastards will track me down and try to lock me or my family up. Second, I know that if I do tell the local cops, they will NEVER go after Army recruiters, as conservative as this area is. By the time they were finished, I'd be accused of tearing up an official Army recruiting station and attacking two uniformed soldiers. Teaching is half the battle. Tell your kids to watch who they talk to and to be suspicious of everyone. They might not be as lucky as I was.