You thought Jesus Christ's message was peace and forgiveness? You thought the Bible's valuable message pertains to love thy neighbor and blessed are the meek?
Apparently you haven't read the Book of Roberta. Rather than the entire PowerPoint presentation, you can catch up by reviewing the agenda of these "ambassadors for the Kingdom":
Roberta Combs, president of the Christian Coalition, brings hope to the faithful:
Every day, your Coalition is busy fighting to make your voice heard in the halls of power here in Washington, DC. Our job is to make sure that when our United States Congressmen and Senators consider the vital issues of the day, the Christian perspective is always part of the decision-making process.
We are your representatives on Capitol Hill, and our office is always open to you for information, updates on current events and legislation, and as a point of contact with our nation’s elected and appointed officials.
Your Coalition has put together one of the most effective lobbying teams operating in the nation’s capital. They have a powerful impact on the national political discourse, and are achieving a remarkable record of success. I am very pleased to briefly introduce our Legislative Director to you.
Please keep our wonderful Christian lobbyists in your prayers. They are literally ambassadors for the Kingdom, your ministers in a most challenging mission field!
God bless you,
Roberta Combs, President
Forgive my ignorance, dear readers. I had no idea that lobbyists could be Messengers from God. Then again, apparently I have no idea what it means to be Christian.
You thought Jesus Christ's message was peace and forgiveness? You thought the Bible's valuable message pertains to love thy neighbor and blessed are the meek?
Apparently you haven't read the Book of Roberta. Rather than the entire PowerPoint presentation, you can catch up by reviewing the agenda of these "ambassadors for the Kingdom" (annotated to clarify the religious message):
1. Making permanent President Bush's 2001 federal tax cuts, including the marriage penalty tax cut
[Blessed are the rich, for the fruits of their non-labor shall trickle down to the poor.]
2. Getting votes in the first session of the 108th Congress to confirm President Bush's judicial nominations.
[Blessed are the unforgiving, for they shall never let innocence get in the way of punishment.]
3. Help pass Senator Charles Schumer's bipartisan 'Stop Pornography and Abusive Marketing Act,' the SPAM Act, S. 1231.
[Blessed are the censors, for by deciding what we can see and read, they shall protect our ignorance.]
4. Passing Senator Lindsey Graham's and Congressman Joe Wilson's 'Holy Sites' resolution
[Blesssed are the faiths from Israel, for the rest aren't really worth considering, especially them folks who worship cows or that fat guy.]
5. Passing Majority Whip Roy Blunt's and Democrat Congressman Harold Ford's 'Charitable Giving Act of 2003,' H.R. 7.
[Blessed are the itemizers, for when they give, they also receive.]
6. Passing Congressman Spencer Bachus' and Senator Jon Kyl's 'Internet Gambling Enforcement Act'.
[Blessed are the legal lotteries, for the winnings from the low-income players make up for the tax cuts to the rich.]
7. Getting a vote on Congressman Henry Brown's 'Child Pornography Prevention Constitutional Amendment' in both the House and Senate.
[Blessed are the redundant, who spend millions passing laws against things already illegal.]
8. Passing Congressman Walter Jones' 'Houses of Worship Free Speech Restoration Act.'
[Blessed are the preachers of proper political persuasion, for they include the Book of Roberta in the Bible.]
9. Passing Congressman Robert Aderholt's 'Ten Commandments Display Act', H.R. 2045
[Blessed are those of weak faith, who need the government to enforce their faith with graven images on walls of secular power.]
10. Passing the anti-cloning bill, including Senator Sam Brownback's bill in the U.S. Senate
[Blessed are the Luddites, for they know a tool of Satan when they see it.]
11. Passing Congresswoman Melissa Hart's and Senator Mike DeWine's 'Unborn Victims of Violence Act'
[Blessed are the unborn, for they are life while the mother is not.]
12. Passing the 'Child Custody Protection Act in the House and Senate
[Blessed are the fathers, for they own the wombs of their daughters, and sometimes prove it.]
13. Getting a vote on Congressman Ernest Istook's 'Prayer and Pledge' Constitutional Amendment
[Blessed are the doctrinarians, who understand that the Constitution of the United States is Satan's work.]
14. Support Support Congressman Frank Lucas' 'Pledge of Allegiance Constitutional Amendment'
[Blessed are the really strict doctrinarians, for fascism is the only way to salvation.]
15. Support Congressman Todd Akin's 'Hands off the Pledge of Allegiance, Federal Courts' bill
[Blessed are the exception-makers, for they believe that laws of the land should not apply to everybody.]
16. Prohibit special civil rights protection based on sexual preference/'domestic partners'.
[Blessed are the bigots, who measure by their own insecurities and intolerances the rights of other citizens.]
17. Supporting legislation allowing parental choice in education
[Blessed are the ignorance advocates, for they see education as the path to liberalism (Satanism).]
18. Supporting legislation barring adoptions of children by homosexuals
[Blessed are the sexually insecure, for without laws and public scorn, they might choose to be homosexual.]
19. Supporting legislation prohibiting the physical desecration of the flag of the United States of America.
[Blessed are the idolators, for they know that the burning bush probably garbled God's message.]
Now that we know what Christianity
really means, we can finally embrace
real Christian values and forget all that liberal crap we learned in Sunday school.
(Thanks to SwingerSpecial for finding this burning bush.)
media girl
Update [2004-12-30 18:12:35 by media girl]: [Reformatted at 6pm Eastern to highlight the religious teachings]
