(cross-posted at CampusProgress.org ... but I couldn't resist posting this here)
In the interest of clarity, I'm posting what the president really meant to say in his speech tonight:
My greatest responsibility as president is to protect the Republican party, and that is your calling as well. The troops here and across the world are fighting a global war on terror. No, I have no clue how to define terror. But I do know we face a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance and despises all dissent. Their aim is to remake the United States in their own grim image of tyranny and oppression by toppling the filibuster, driving moderates out of the region and by exporting terror. Which is why you should support the GOP, because the only way to beat this ideology is to fight fire with fire.
Iraq is the latest battlefield in this war. Many terrorists who kill innocent men, women and children on the streets of Baghdad are followers of the same murderous ideology that took the lives of our citizens in New York, in Washington and Pennsylvania. I would know; I brought them there. And there is only one course of action against them: to negotiate.
Because this is not about terror or a certain terrorist mastermind that we have failed to catch. Our mission in Iraq is clear. We are hunting down the liberals. We are helping build a brush with which we may tar liberals as being weak on defense. We are advancing conservatism in the republic. We are removing a source of marijuana and hippies and laying the foundation of a huge budget deficit for our children and our grandchildren, who no doubt will deserve it because they'll all become hippy liberals after the horrible job we've done in Iraq.
The work in Iraq is difficult and it is dangerous. Not that I would know. I never see the images of violence and bloodshed because I only watch Fox News. But amid all this violence, I know Americans ask the question: Is our presidents learning? Is the sacrifice worth it? It is worth it, and it is vital to the future of the Republican Party. And tonight I will explain the reasons why.
Some of the violence you see in Iraq is being covered by idiot liberals who are converging on the mainstream media to fight the advance of conservatism and my happy little world. Our military reports that insurgents have killed or kidnapped hundreds of liberal reporters in Iraq who have come from BBC, ABC, NBC, CNN, the AP, and others. They are making common cause with liberal elements, progressive insurgents and remnants of Bill Clinton's regime who want to build a new order. They fight because they know that the survival of our hateful ideology is at stake. They know that as freedom takes root in America, it will inspire millions across the United States to claim their liberty as well. And when the United States grows in democracy, in prosperity and hope, Tom Delay will lose his corporate sponsors, lose his CRNC recruits and lose his hopes for turning this nation into a base for lunacy aimed at America and our allies around the world.
Some wonder whether Iraq is a central front in the war on terror. Among the liberals, there is no debate. Hear the words of Think Progress:
Now, a CIA Report Says Iraq Becoming Prime Location For Training of Al Qaeda Militants; Better Than Afghanistan. "A new classified assessment by the Central Intelligence Agency says Iraq may prove to be an even more effective training ground for Islamic extremists than Afghanistan was in Al Qaeda's early days, because it is serving as a real-world laboratory for urban combat."
We conservatives know that outcome will leave us emboldened or defeated. So we are now waging a campaign of incompetence and corruption. And there is no limit to the lunacy that we are willing to embark upon.
We see the nature of our depravation in how we paraded Terri Schiavo around as a political tool. We see the nature of our depravation in our sweetheart deals with lobbyists. And we see the nature of our depravation in those embarrassing reports of torture coming out of Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, and Afghanistan.
These are savage acts of lunacy, but they have not brought us any closer to achieving our strategic objectives. Our approval ratings are lower than ever. But the lesson of this experience is clear: we must pull even crazier stunts to minimize focus on our previous mistakes.
About three years ago, I spoke to the nation and described our coalition's goals in Iraq: to get rid of Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. But since we haven't actually found any weapons of mass destruction, we must now wander aimlessly in Iraq while using it as an issue to tar liberals as being weak on defense.
In the past year, we have made significant progress: we were able to defeat John Kerry. In November 2004, millions of american men and women voted in elections that were mostly free and sorta fair and took place on time. Except in Ohio.
We will continue our efforts to transform our country. Getting rid of Social Security after more than six decades of success is hard and doing it with a low approval rating is even harder. Our progress has been uneven but progress is being made. I have succeeded in bringing back painful memories of Al Gore's lockbox references.
And in the interest of keeping this very long speech short, just remember this: we are winning the war on liberalism. And Sept. 11. Sept. 11. And more Sept. 11.
To close, to the soldiers in this hall, and our servicemen and women across the globe: I thank you for not complaining too much about dying and serving as a wedge issue with which to tar the Democrats. I thank our military families; many lobbyists appreciate the benefits you gave up. In this war, we have lost good men and women who left our shores to defend freedom and did not live because I misunderestimated the terrorists. I have not permitted photographs of coffins of loved ones who were taken from us too soon because I feel guilty about their loss. But I have come to realize that the best way to honor the lives that have been given in this struggle is to use their deaths to advance a radical right-wing agenda.
I thank those of you who have re-enlisted in an hour when your country needs you. And to those low-income minorities who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our Armed Forces. If you are a wealthy young white American, there is no higher calling than attending the College Republican National Convention.
May God bless you all. Unless you're a liberal.
