The Monitoring of America

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Saturday September 17, 2005 · 6:08 PM PDT

2005/09/17 · 18:08

Our nation is being run by a bunch of hall monitors! You know, the runny nose, bed wetting, finger wagging, prying, personal record keeping kids that irked us in elementary school. Guess where they are now? They're hopped up on power, stoned on their own righteousness and out to tell us regular people exactly how we should be and what we should be doing.

Here it is:

If you are against abortion - you shouldn't have one. I'm serious. Don't get one. You really should follow your conscience and not terminate that pregnancy.

If you are against gay marriage - please - please - please - don't marry someone of the same gender. It will end badly, I'm almost sure of it.

If you are for prayer in schools - you should pray while in school. Just because you're at an institution of learning doesn't mean that you shouldn't check in with the Big Guy in the Sky. Go on, pray.

If you are for the war in Iraq - go sign up. Go sign your kids up. A yellow ribbon magnet made in China doesn't get you off the hook. Be safe on your tour!

If you are against protesters. Better not protest then. No more screaming that anti-war protesters are un-American. You you want to live in a country where everyone thinks the same? THAT'S un-American.

You think prostitutes are vile scum? I feel the same way about lawyers, until I need one. Thank God, no one has criminalized using attorneys.

If you are against stem cell research - don't use them. When you're looking to find cures for juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, or spinal cord injuries use other methods. You are on high moral ground. Don't be tempted. Stick to the way the Good Book tells you how to do scientific research.

If you are against birth control, don't use it. If you want to leave reproduction up to chance - by all means knock yourself out/up.

If you are against teaching evolution - don't teach it. Teach something you agree with. Math is good. Teach math.

If you are for executing prisoners, attend their executions. Go witness something you feel so okay with.

If you are against pornography you should not produce it, be in it, or watch it. It's not something you think is right - then don't be involved in it. The HUGE industry and the MILLIONS of people it employs will understand. You don't like porn? I don't like romantic comedies. There's other stuff to choose from.

Lastly, if you're against gays adopting children or serving in the military - you don't get to talk about how the certain group (ahem) you belong to is being persecuted in this country. This one I'm particularly serious about.

Sometimes it seems that my free country is turning into a 'free' country.

In short - American Hall Monitors - mind your own God damned business!

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