Lord Willin' and the Crick Don't Rise (Satire)

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Monday September 26, 2005 · 8:31 PM PDT

2005/09/26 · 20:31

White House analysts have concluded three more Class Four hurricanes in the United States can mean the difference between our military's staying in Iraq for twelve more years versus getting out in four to six months. The internal report released today stated, "At the current rate of deployment of U.S. troops in hurricane-affected regions, the United States could justify a significant draw down of its military presence in Iraq if 2.73 Class Three hurricanes hit the United States this 2005 hurricane season." The report went on to note other natural disasters could be substituted for the hurricanes, assuming large enough cities are affected. For example, a major earthquake in San Francisco could substitute for 1.8 Class Three hurricanes.

President Bush initially announced the new plan, termed the theory of Intelligent Deployment, during his weekly radio address: "This way mere humans with their faults and failings aren't the ones making the ultimate decisions. It's truly God's will being done. We as sinful humans can't possibly know what's right, so we will now leave it up to a Higher Power. Iraq, stay or go? It's His call."

Later in the day White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was pummeled with questions from an incredulous press corps.

When asked if this were merely a way for the President to absolve himself of responsibility for the quagmire in Iraq, McClellan said, "I'm not going to justify that question with an answer. The President is a very responsible man who takes his responsibilities very seriously."

To a question about the ethics of using natural disasters to justify an exit strategy for a failing war, McClellan stated, "Once again, that is misrepresenting the proposal. It's not just natural disasters at all. It's really anything that requires the President to deploy armed troops in any location around the country."

When asked for examples McClellan stated, "Well, if people started rioting in Los Angeles, then a large deployment of armed service men and women would be required. We have to take care of our own country first and foremost, the President is very committed to that."

A follow-up question asked if this weren't simply another step toward creating a police state in the United States. An obviously stressed McClellan fired back, "I've already addressed that issue. Don't you people listen? Geez!"

A Washington Post correspondent pointed out the police state issue had not, in fact, already been addressed, to which McClellan turned red in the face, pounded the desk, and yelled, "YES IT HAS! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You think this is easy? You try to defend this kind of shit every day and see how you like it!"

A stunned White House Press Corps watched as a mumbling Scott McClellan was led away.

Intelligent Deployment has already led to some polarization in the general population. The idea came under immediate fire from the scientific community who stated that linking national policy in Iraq with hurricane severity and frequency violated separation of church and state. Dr. Simon Bosnan, head of the University of Miami's Department of Physics, said, "This will be causing people to pray for natural disasters, and you know, that's just twisted."

Meanwhile, proponents of Intelligent Deployment countered that people have been praying for George W. Bush for years now. "Look where that's got us," one observer noted. "At least now we have a goal."

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