Not To Worry, Larry David

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Monday January 02, 2006 · 3:36 PM PST

2006/01/02 · 15:36

Maybe Larry David has a little extra time on his hands, a relationship gone bad, worries about losing his hair, chronic heartburn, who knows. It's okay with me if Mr. David wants to skip Brokeback Mountain. It's kinda sad though that Larry David needs to recycle an old Seinfeld episode or two and see his name in print in the New York Times to notify us that he won't be attending That Movie.

I remember a scene in a film called "In And Out" when Joan Cusack screams out, "Do you know how many times I had to sit through "Funny Lady" to Kevin Kline who has discovered that he's gay just before their wedding.

Should I regret all the Seinfelds I've watched? Of course not. Nothing rubbed off except the talent of Mr. David and the perfect cast. I repeat the lines to some friends and I never understand when they stare at me blankly and respond with, "Never watched it." "Too hetero." "Too Jewish." Call me naive but I only noticed the good work.

I feel a little like Joan Cusack discovering that Kevin Kline isn't gay, but is Larry David. Truthfully, I spent very little time wondering but assumed Mr. David to be an avowed, if joyless, heterosexual. I surmised that he didn't play for my team and that it was possible that he wouldn't even care to watch my team play a great game. But I feel a little ambushed that Mr. David needs to inform us via the New York Times that he is avoiding the ball park altogether. After all those laughs and residuals on the backs (so to speak) of gays!

It's okay Lar'. You've shown the world who you are today. But how lame to use, as your excuse, the same low-sales-resistance-funny-bit you wrote for Jerry Seinfeld ten years ago. Time for new ideas, Lar'. New dialogue. No more silent movies. No more Seinfelds. Move on, Larry. A bald Norma Desmond stuck in the past comes to mind.

It's too late for me to unmemorize the great dialogue from all those years of Seinfeld and I enjoyed it too much to try. But for me, Mr. David, it's a little like discovering that Hitler wrote some of my favorite movies under the name of Joseph Mankiewicz. I'll probably watch them again but now I'll have to consider the source.

Larry Baby, 'fess up. You simply don't want to see males locking lips. Fine. You'll drag your wives and girlfriends to see "Showgirls" and anything else with Gina Gershon girly-closeness. Women yes. Bestiality maybe if it's done well but boy-lovin' nope.

Finally, Lar', since I've just returned from Chattanooga for the holidays where Brokeback Mountain can't get a booking, I may have missed your drollness in the Times. Perhaps George and Jerry's fear of being perceived as gay was just harmless fun. Maybe Mel Brooks' gay humor ("One more time, faggots!") and gay stereotypes were well-intentioned. Possibly Woody Allen's gay humor over the years was devoid of any mean spirit. Gay humor just for fun and for profit. Nothing wrong with that.

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