Some of you may know me from my postings on Saturday night's WYFP diaries. For those who do not, I usually write under another screenname but, when I talk about my attempt to recover from crystal meth addiction, I write under this screenname to give myself a bit more anonymity.
The reason I'm writing this diary is because I find myself in the same postion I was in 104 days ago when I couldn't fall alseep and wanted to get high. Unfortunately, there is no WYFP diary for me to communicate to the people familiar with my situation. Therefore, I decided to use the privilege of writing a diary to reach out to those who may still be awake who would just listen to me talk. I would hate to throw away the 111 days of sobriety I've put together. In the last eight or nine years, this is the second longest period of sobriety I've put together. I'm looking forward to passing my record of fourth months clean in just about two weeks.
Anyway, I have to confess that I've been having dreams of getting high on crystal meth recently. In fact, just a few days ago, I woke up thinking I had relapsed. That's how vivid these dreams are. In the dream, I felt so devastated that I had used again. I could only imagine how I would feel if I used in real life. I don't know how I could face talking to all the people who have been so supportive to me here at Daily Kos. (I actually feel a bit like I'm abusing the privilege of this community by even writing this diary. I fully realize many here use this community as support but I've never used a diary in such a non-political way. I apologize to Markos if I've co-opted his site for my own needs.)
What is probably making me want to use is loneliness. I've had to cut myself from those with whom I used in order to stop using myself. Since the only people other than my family that I associated were those with whom I got high, I spend most of my time just trying to work and get my life back together. Thankfully, I've been succeeding at being productive and getting reintegrated into the world. I must confess that I have not been going to 12 Step Meetings, but part of the reason for that was my lack of transportation. Now that that is not an issue, I have no excuse. But the other reasons was just inertia. I've felt so comfortable doing carpentry and other such work for family and family friends I have not felt comfortable being around new people.
But tonight and the last few weeks have shown me I have to get over the fear of new people. One of the reasons I got high was because I was able to meet people on-line. Unfortunately, the people I gravitated to - other than you guys - were getting high. I'm sure there are sites for chatting to other recovering addicts. But to be honest, I love talking to you guys about politics and then lean on you to check in about recovery. I realize that I probably need more people to talk to that have good recovery under their belts but I hate when my friendships are limited to just talking about recovering from addiction. I fully accept that I am an addict but I've hated when my social life has consisted of just talking about not using drugs. It feels so repetitive. I'd rather obsess about politics with you guys.
Anyway, before I publish this, I just wanted to mention what was going on in the back of my mind as I was writing this diary. Earlier today, nyceve took Oprah to task for confronting James Frey about his fabrications in his book, A Million Little Pieces. I sided with Oprah during that discussion. One of the reasons I supported Oprah for confronting Frey had to do with what I felt as I wrote this diary. I sensed that some people reading what I wrote would think what I said was bullshit. Before I became addicted and especially when I was using, I would lie quite easily. I've learned how important it is to be honest if I want to recover and remain sober. James Frey made it that much more difficult for other recovering addicts like myself to be taken seriously. While I fully support Frey's efforts now to come clean and give him the benefit of the doubt that from here on he will try his best to be honest, the damage of his actions can't be underestimated.
At the same time, I think it's important for many to realize that Frey epitomizes the problem many of us addicts have had with the truth. I know I have always been quite uncomfortable with who I am and have tried to hide or distort my true self. Everyday I have to work to be honest with whom I am and, when I feel safe, I allow others to get to know me. I realize that my fears others will think what I write is bullshit probably stems less from what James Frey did than from my own track record. I, more than anyone else, question how much I really desire to stay sober. I've relapsed so many times that it's very difficult to trust myself. For that reason, I so do not want to use again. I can't tell you how hard it is to gain back one's own trust after turning to people and saying you want to get sober and then find yourself having gotten high. It's one of the most humiliating experiences you can feel. When James Frey said to Oprah he felt like taking a gun to himself after the show, I had no doubt he probably did feel that way. Nevertheless, just because we addicts may relapse - whether with drugs or in honesty - and wanting to hurt ourselves is the first feeling that comes to mind, it's important that we realize that, while it may hurt to admit failure, it's important that we be honest to ourselves and others when we do relapse. Otherwise, we're susceptible to further self-destructive behavior that is even more difficult to overcome once it comes to light.
Anyway, thank you for listening to me. I would rather be talking to you guys than someone else who might be cruising for someone to get high with.