DO NOT LAUGH!!!

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Sunday January 29, 2006 · 9:21 AM PST

2006/01/29 · 09:21

I speak to every Congressperson, Senator, Supreme Court Justice, invited dignitary, and spouse who will be attending Tuesday's State of the Union Address (and we KNOW some of you--or your kids--are out there in DKOS land). And I exhort you to take heed of a real problem you may not have thought of--your need and duty to take preventative steps to insure you DO NOT LAUGH at this solemn and important occasion.

I ask you to remember Mary Tyler Moore, front row at the services for Chuckles the Clown who (having been dressed as a peanut and tragically dispatched in an unfortunate elephant incident) lay in state before her very eyes; and think how horribly, horribly, inappropriate it might be for yourself--in that great and dignified multitude, at that august and grave occasion--to chortle, giggle, snicker, snort, laugh, guffaw, or spritz a beverage out your nostrils. Imagine, if you will, your abject embarrassment!

(Laugh prevention advice, below.)

So it is imperative as you attend that honored speech that you take absolutely positively NO notice of the following on the part of our honored Commander-in-Chief:

Brief (or not so brief) moments of distraction; staring into thin air, redolent of a cat scoping out a fly.
His trademark fading "uuuh"s, like the sound of a truck passing on the freeway.
Weirdly placed word emphasis, as if there had been some dire speech-giving emergency and he was just snatched off the street to fill in and this is the very first time in his entire life he has seen the damn thing.
At odd moments, judo chopping the air for purposes known to him alone.
Emphatically repeating random words like freedom, up, down, doggy; and with a pause, like we don't get it; and with over-the-top seriousness like we are a room full of slow learners; and preceded by "yuh see yuh see." (Someone REALLY needs to make him stop that.)
Sly (so he thinks) code-wordish references to Old Testament scripture, followed by a few smirky blinks, as if the rest of us have no idea what "Sodom," "Gomorrah," or "Armageddon" refer to; or to whom he is pandering.
The hideously bad fake hillbilly accent (so hideous, in fact, that no one else in his entire family will even come near it with a stick, thank God).
On a related subject, the obligatory reduction of all words to two syllables, especially those he wears out by repeating (Merkins. Tarists. Nan leven.)

My suggestions: Pinch yourself. Bite your cheek. Pinch your cheek. Bite your tongue. Pinch your tongue and do NOT think of the words "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."

Now, take a deep breath. Got it? Concentrate. Exhale. Slowly. Ah. I think you have mastered yourself. Good for you. I am confident you will be fine. (Just remember--there will be hundreds of cameras.) BUT YOU WILL BE FINE. Now watch this.

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