I have some questions on this whole vote or die thing....

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Monday October 23, 2006 · 11:11 AM PDT

2006/10/23 · 11:11

I wonder if it was a Republican who thought it a good idea to hold elections soon after Halloween. You know, to have their message of fear and death be reinforced actual ghost and goblins? I know, I know, history records that our elections are held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday due to the timing of the fall harvest.

But still.

After 12 years of controlling Congress and 6 years of controlling the White House, the only campaign platform the Republicans have left is...

"If you vote for a Democrat, you will die."

Now that seems pretty serious. I have never been confronted with an actual life or death decision in the voting booth before, so I have some questions that I'd appreciate answers to so I can make a fully informed vote.

So if I understand, if I vote for a Democrat, I will die.

Really? And what happens if I vote for third parties? Do I live? Or is it a requirement of survival that I vote Republican?

Ah, so I have to vote for a Republican in order to live?

I see.

No, I am still confused. If I vote Democratic, but my neighbor votes Republican, does he get to live to a ripe old age while I die? Or is it dependant upon which party wins Congress? For example, if I vote Democratic, but the Republicans keep control of Congress, do I get to live? Meanwhile, if I vote Republican, but the Democrats win control of Congress, do I die along with all the other evil gay liberal terrorist loving America hating tax raising Democrats?

And if I do vote Democratic, who will be killing me? The Democrats themselves or some goon squad of murderous wingnuts bent on revenge? Or will I just drop dead in the voting booth once my vote is recorded?

And if you answer yes to the last question, tell me, how will the Republican party cover up the simultaneous deaths of over 60 million Americans?

I mean, damn, that's alot of grave digging, if you ask me. Where will you put all the bodies?

And what if I already have a fatal disease, but due to Republican policies I do not have adequate heath insurance to provide for treatment and have no hope for a cure due to Republican refusal to allow for life saving stem cell research? Can I vote Democratic just to speed up my death so I don't suffer?

Oooooh...here is a question that will really make your head explode...what if there is a Democrat who is voting for her party on November 7th, despite your continued warnings and threats that she will in fact die if she does so, and this rebellious Democrat is pregnant?

Does the pregnant Democratic voter and her baby die immediately, or do you wait until the baby is full term and then kill the mother?

And what if, what if I do the "right" thing and vote Republican, yet still continue to live my life in a way that the Republican Party finds evil? You know, like if I am gay, or a woman who wishes to work outside the home, or a man who does not own a gun, or if I am an African American? Do I get a pass and go to heaven if I do you this favor and vote Republican?

No? I am still to hell?

Well, screw you guys, I am voting Democratic. But wait....Kossack Roddy McCorely says....

Well, I voted for a Democrat in 2000...
...and before I knew it, swarthy people were flying airplanes into buildings.
Then, because I didn't learn from my mistake, I voted for a Democrat in 2002. Next thing I knew, we were stuck in a quagmire in the middle east.
And, because I'm a little thick sometimes, I voted for a Democrat in 2004. And before I could say "Mohammed Karzai" the Taliban was regrouping in Afghanistan.
So the Republicans just might be on to something here. Obviously, there is some sort of causal relationship between these calamities and my selfishly voting for Democrats....

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