Faith is under attack here in America. Every day regular folks like you and me are forced to sit in the back of the bus1
because the forces of change are trying to force us out of the public square. No, we're not talking about conservative Christianity you sillyhead, they control all three branches of government. Our faith is different, but equally under attack, because we2
have faith in science and reason.
The central tenet of our faith is that through observation, experimentation, and critical thinking, we can discern the truth. This may seem like an outdated notion to the non-coastal elites who feel like it's their duty to patronize the rest of us with their bizarre notions of morality and belief, but for the vast majority of Americans who live in urban areas, our faith has served us well. Without the men of faith who preceded us, we wouldn't have the X-rays, non-stick cookware, or reality television.
At this point in any self-righteous diatribe about how the world has gone to heck in a handbasket, the author is compelled to remind the reader that the United States was founded as a faith-based nation and that the views of the founding fathers would have perfectly aligned with the point that we're trying to make. So, with that in mind, check this shit out :
"Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."
- Thomas Jefferson
"The way to see by Faith, is to shut the eye of Reason."
"You will do me the justice to remember, that I have always strenuously supported the right of every man to his opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies to another this right, makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself the right of changing it.
The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason. I have never used any other, and I trust I never shall."
- Thomas Paine
"The United States of America have exhibited, perhaps, the first example of governments erected on the simple principles of nature: and if men are now sufficiently enlightened to disabuse themselves of artifice, imposture, hypocrisy, and superstition, they will consider this event as an era in their history. Although the detail of the formation of the American governments is at present little known or regarded either in Europe or America, it may hereafter become an object of curiosity. It will never be pretended that any persons employed in that service [forming the U.S. government] had interviews with the gods, or were in any degree under the influence of Heaven, more than those at work upon ships or houses, or laboring in merchandise or agriculture; it will forever be acknowledged that these governments were contrived merely by the use of reason and the senses."
There's also this quote that is in no way
applicable to the subject of this essay :
"[T]he priests of the different religious sects, who dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of day-light; and scowl on it the fatal harbinger announcing the subversion of the duperies on which they live."
But please, don't misunderstand us. As you can tell by the ribbon magnets that we put on our cars, we believe that America is the most wonderful country on Earth because it's a democracy. Democracies depend upon an open debate of ideas, yet this new trend of "militant antisecularism" has made it impossible to freely express our views to children who might lack the mental capacity to tell whether or not we're lying.
That's why we, men and women of faith, can no longer sit idly by and watch our kids become brainwashed in the thousands of comparative religion classes in our public schools. "But the scientific method isn't a religion", you might say4. Perhaps, but we refuse to be bound your anti-faith definitions of terms like "science", "religion", and "public schools". We don't want to rid the schools of religious teaching by any means, but rather supplement them by presenting both sides of this vast, complicated argument and let the children make uninformed decisions on their own.
In order to provide a balanced curriculum in our nations schools that presents all viewpoints, we're requesting that all comparative religion textbooks be adorned with the following disclaimer on any page that uses the word "God" or contains a capitalized pronoun :
"This textbook contains material on beliefs that haven't been peer-reviewed or verified through observation and experimentation. Over the last two thousand years, conclusions reached via the scientific method have made a bulk of religious thought obsolete and -- let's be honest here -- foolish. With that in mind, it is recommended that the reader absorb these lessons with the understanding that science will soon render the majority of the credos in this tome completely worthless and that history will look back on the devout as superstitious brutes who don't understand how the world really works."
Our American faith has been under attack by the snobbish forces of cultural homogeny for too long. We can no longer sit idly by and watch our country be attacked by ideological terrorists who have hijacked our schools and insist on crashing them into our children's young, fertile minds. The traitorous demagogues in the "red states" started this war. If we ever want to stop this country's downward spiral and ensure that it remains a free haven for people of all faiths5
, we must join the battle and fight to reclaim America, the Founding Fathers, children, apple pie, the flag, puppies, faith, and guns.
1 : What?! You think we're exaggerating? Why do you have a problem with People of Faith™ like me? Are you a Nazi or something?
2 : In case you were wondering, We do plan to use the first-person plural throughout this essay. We've earned the right to assume that we speak for everyone. Why? Because we have values, motherfucker.3
3 : People with values are allowed to have pottymouths because we2 said so.
4 : Or maybe you wouldn't say that. We don't care. We're right and you're wrong.
5 : By "all faiths" we mean, of course, "our faith". The rest of you philistines can go fend for yourselves.