No, no. This is not a dream. This is your worst nightmare. For you see, last night I completed Phase IV of my devious and wrenched four step plan to take over the world. Phase I was completed when I got Maryscott O'Connor to leave the Democratic Party. Phase II was deemed a success when I got Dick Cheney to shoot someone. Now, Dick Cheney kills people all the time. He is rather ruthless in that way. The trick was, this time, to make sure he got caught and that his crime was plastered all over the media, revealing him for the murderous arrogant thug he is. Phase III was completed this week when I got George Bush to look like a terrorist- loving, Arab-appeasing, national security-threatening, crony-appointing incompetent petulant asshole. That was easy enough.
And last night, I kidnapped Bill and Michael and shipped them off, bound and gagged, to Guantanamo Bay. Sure, they think it is Key West, but that is only because their chain-linked prison will be adorned with a few palm trees and I will have Abu Gonzales play some steel drums. Phase IV complete.
So now Cheers N Jeers is mine. All mine!!!
Now you may be wondering, what the hell does any of this have to do with taking over the world?
Absolutely nothing. Indeed, you have just wasted the last minute reading something that is utterly delusional and meaningless. The Power of CNJ. It is amazing. (Not to say what Bill writes is utterly delusional and meaningless, to the contrary. As many already know, what I write is!)
So join me, your new Lord and Master, for today's edition of Cheers and Jeers....RIGHT NOW....
Standard Disclaimer: This Cheers and Jeers column is in no way related to the works of one Bill in Portland Maine. I have been told that I will be banned as a result of the contents of this column, but I am publishing it anyway! Therefore, any offense or insult you take from below should not be imputed onto BIPM. He has nothing to do with this.
Centuries until a Philadelphia sports team wins a championship: This is what Rumsfeld calls an unknown unknown.
Alcohol Content of Yuengling Lager, Delaware Dem's favorite beer: 4.4
Calories in one 12 oz bottle of aforesaid beer: 135
Grams of Carbs in aforementioned beer: 12
How Delaware Dem keeps his shapely figure: Unknown Unknown
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,470
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue under the Bush Administration: 0
Maximum Number of days left in the Bush Administration: 1,060
Days until the terror alert lowers to level Green or Blue: 1,061
Bottles of Rum in CNJ cabinet: 12, so that is basically one bottle per day while Bill is gone. More than enough. Oh wait, you people are bottomless moochers whose capacity for drinking has no end. Damn. We are all doomed. Well, you are all doomed. I've got my 10 cases of Lager! Hey.....hands off Cosmic! You too Danno. Pastor Dan! Put that down!!!
Awww, wet nose!
to Impeachment. On this day in 1868, the House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson for but mere violations of a little thing we Americans call the law. Sure, he, like my hero, Bill Clinton, was acquitted in the Senate and was not removed from office. But if President Johnson can be impeached for firing a cabinet official, and if President Clinton can be impeached for lying about sex, than surely President George W[orst President Ever]. Bush can be impeached for violating Articles I, II, and III and Amendments 1, 4, 5, 6 and 8 of the Constitution of the United States and untold violations of federal law, including but limited to selling out our national security to the highest bidder with terrorist ties, violating FISA, and committing treason by leaking the name of an undercover intelligence agent. Hey, but that is just me.
to Judicial Activists. On this day in 1803, the seminal case of Marbury v. Madison was decided by the Supreme Court. It confirmed the ability of the Supreme Court, and by extension, the lower federal courts, to limit Congressional power by declaring legislation unconstitutional if it was in fact, you know, unconstitutional. What a bold idea. Damn those infernal judges!
to Mattresses. They are now the bane of my existence. Yes, I enjoy sleeping on them. They are soft, comforting and warm on a cold winter's night. I spent at least six hours a day on one. I feel I must offer an explanation for the thousands upon thousands of mattress pictures you undoubtedly will see below in the comments. In the CNJ Café chat one night almost a year ago, I drunkenly let it slip that I... uh...use the mattress to... er, ah...bash the bishop, or charm the snake, or to choke the bald guy until he pukes, or play tag with the pink torpedo. Ya get the picture? TMI? Yes. Well, I have paid for it ever since, so now you will suffer along with me. Moving on...
to Philly fans! Yes. We are the best. We have been known to...
- A topless woman ran around the 700 level evading security guards on 12/9/2001 at the Philly vs. San Diego game. Eagle Fans rejoiced, I'm sure.
- Drop a lit cigarette into another fans sweatshirt hood and then laugh when they Stop Drop and Roll to extinguish the fire.
- Chant "Cokehead" to Darryl Strawberry
- Boo Santa Claus, The Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald
- Throw snowballs at Santa Claus
- Boo Destiny's Child during a half-time show at the First Union Center (Hey, there was a good reason for this one. Beyonce was wearing a Lakers Jersey, and they were performing during the 2001 NBA Finals where we were playing the Lakers!!!)
- Boo Mike Schmidt in his prime
- Boo little kids who didn't find eggs during an Easter Egg hunt
- Boo the Phillies' catcher's son
- Boo Deion Sanders after Michael Irvin's possible season ending spinal injury.
- Write death threats and letters that consist of "You stink" over and over again to Philadelphia baseball pitcher Turk Wendell
- Shower D-cell batteries at opponent players
- Mooning a bus of the opposing team
- Firing a flare gun at opposing fans
- Vomit on other fans' parkas causing them to throw them away.
- While interviewing some NFL owners sitting in the 700 level, the interview was interrupted when one fan stabbed another with an ice pick.
- An intoxicated Philly fan was chasing another fan wearing the opposing team's jersey. This intoxicated fan tripped and cut his head. After he was back in his seat, he found his mother waiting with a beer. She had seem him get hurt from her seat and wanted to comfort him with a fresh cup of beer. Moms are Great!
- "FUCK YOU!" was shouted at a 7 year old boy wearing the opposing team's jersey.
- A group of men beat a security guard senseless then ripped off his yellow security windbreaker and waved it above their heads in victory.
- Former Philadelphia District Attorney, Ed Rendell, was throwing snowballs with others from the 700 level (the highest level) and hit Dallas Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson on 10 Dec 1989. Two years later Ed Rendell was elected Mayor of Philadelphia.
to Evil Cats of Doom. I despise them. They are vile. I am allergic to them, but that is beside the point. They are unlovable, vicious creatures of the night. I never understood why some take them in as pets and insist on giving them names. Has a cat ever responded to a name in recorded human history? Has a cat ever come to you when you were calling its name? No. But I have to post a pootie picture in CNJ. It is the law. Yes, PhillyGal successfully used her Abramoff connections to get Congress to pass the Pootie Pic Act of 2005. So here ya go, but it is EXTREMELY UNSAFE FOR WORK OR FOR THOSE EASILY OFFENDED.
Now, while I wait for the email from Kos or Armando banning me for life from Daily Kos... let's continue...
to Darrell J. Gahm. He is otherwise known to you all as the White Trash Poet, or the Holy Handgrenade, or Bakin4mymomma, and he also has a myriad of other usernames here in CNJ, mostly to used to aggravate me. He thinks I am going to use this CNJ to get revenge on him. On the contrary. Darrell is a spectacular poet and writer and a great guy with a wonderful family. His writings, found on the site linked above, are some of the best I have seen in my life, and the funny thing is they keep getting better with every day. He is having his first public reading in Philadelphia on April 2. Go to Robins Bookstore for more information. So if you are in the Philly area, please come out and support Darrell. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.
to the many other CNJ Irregulars with blogs that detail their life, thoughts and passions, namely me, the incomparable Delaware Dem, but also RenaRF, Cosmic Debris, SanDiegoDem, Sallycat, Carnacki, Shermanesque, and Pastor Dan and Mrs. P. I am sure I am forgetting someone! So if I did, please post your blog below!
to the Olympics. They were utterly boring this time. I was into them in 2002, but that was because my brother lived out in Salt Lake City and I actually got to go to them! I saw some Luge and Alpine Skiing events. And got to meet evil whore Katie Couric too (she came into my brother's ski store in Park City for some apparel). But the Torrino Olympics are brutal. I guess all Olympics have to be in the United States to be good.
to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!
He is back, on a new cable channel called G4, with his own show! Here is a link to some Truimph videos for your amusement.
to amusing headlines. Under pressure, the Bush Administration has finally pulled funding from an abstinence only program called `Silver Ring' because a main component of the program is adhering to the Christian faith. The headline? Government, abstinence-only program agree to wait.
to finding out something that you could have lived a long time without knowing. Unprocessed animal hides can be a source of anthrax spores!. Shit. Now what am I going to wear?
to the South Dakota State Legislature for passing an out right ban on abortion yesterday. "Cheers? Cheers!?!?! Quick, gather our pitchforks and torches! Burn DD!!!" Chill out my Pro-Choice Kossack Irregular brethen. No need to start another flame war that results in me burning in effigy. My hair is still regrowing from the last one. Let me explain. I figure that for the last thirty plus years, the batshit fundie wingnut conservatives have been campaigning like mad on this "pro-life" issue, and calling all of us Democrats and people who are pro-choice just because we don't want the government involved in this issue, baby killers. Well, you know what, it is about time they put up or shut up. Let them try to overturn Roe v. Wade. Let them attempt to ban abortion across this land. Let them proudly proclaim to the heavens that they were the ones who took the right to make this decision away from every American woman. And see how fast the GOP becomes a minority party again. The GOP has been talking the talk for many years now, mostly to their fanatical base. Let them do it, and let middle class moderate America see them do it.
And don't worry, this is a win win for us in my long view estimation. This South Dakota ban will be challenged in the courts and this challenge will go to the Supreme Court. And either the Supreme Court overturns Roe (which is good for us as I describe above) or it affirms Roe for the tenth time over the last forty years (making it basically un-overturnable). Let the Battle begin.
to Ed Snyder, owner of the Philadelphia Flyers and Philadelphia 76ers. Yesterday, he threatened to move the Sixers somewhere if the fans did not support the team more. He is upset with the fact that Philly fans want to win and are criticizing the team and Mr. Snyder for not winning. Excuse me, Ed? Are you new? Philly fans have been doing that since the beginning of time! Indeed, you yourself said in the 1980's that "the name of the game is to win. W-I-N!! Win!" Have you changed your mind?
to "Where the Bloody Hell are you?" Those slurly Aussies! Our friends down under have launched a new tourism campaign with that slogan. It is a standard greeting phrase in Australia. For example, when I call up a friend in Sydney, he says "Where the bloody hell are you?", implying of course that I should be there in Australia, drinking heavily with him. The lingual equivalent for America is "Where the fuck are ya?" Can you imagine that as a federal government sponsored tourism slogan?
to the Fox TV Network. Seems like they are planning to launch another TV network aimed at young adults. Huh? Isn't that what Fox already is? A TV network aimed at young adults? So, they want to compete with themselves? Brilliant. They want to add another mediocre channel with lame programming to the cacophony of crap that is already on TV? Thanks Fox. America just got a little dumber, if that was possible. Oh wait, that is precisely what you want! Stupid me.
to the Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Apparently, the Governor was being interviewed by a Daily Show reporter. But the Governor thought it was real. And he got a little miffed. Now, I ask you, in this day and age of corporate owned hostile Republican media, that trashes Democrats as traitors and parrots Rove scripted talking points ad nauseum, it is a crime for a Democrat not to know what the Daily Show is. Further, it shows how out of touch Blagojevich is. I mean, Jon Stewart is hosting the Oscars in a couple weeks! He is a political star in his own right! I hate dumb Democrats.
to Frank Calliendo. This is the funniest skit on Bush and Clinton that I have seen in a while.
to Bill in Portland Maine. Seriously. How the hell does he do this day in and day out? It has taken me two days now to write this column. Now, I can pound out a recommended diary in an hour or less. But this...this requires a lot of work, and I just do not know how he does it. He must not have a job that requires much out of him. Or he has Michael or some staff help him. So Cheers to BIPM!!! He is God.
And finally...
to Delaware Dem for not putting out his Enemies List. Or addressing his fear of clowns. Or his use of oils and lotions. Or how he jumped on a bed covered with silk sheets, causing to accelerate off the bed and hitting the wall and floor. Or not showing any mattress pics. And...for not putting out a tip jar. Yeah, Eddie. That's right. I am not doing it! You can't make me! Na Na Na Na Na. Your brutal reign at the nefarious crime organization BBBFOC is over! Your lusty wenches don't scare me!
Mwuhahahaha!
::knock knock::
I wonder who could that be?
"Who is it?"
Ominous sounding man with New Jersey accent: "Some large Italians to see you."
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