Six rules for sick commenters

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Saturday June 24, 2006 · 5:44 AM PDT

2006/06/24 · 05:44

For a long time I was a lurker, content to remain in read-only mode. Then one day, I just couldn't stand to ignore an obviously false statement in a diary, and finally posted a comment. It got a couple recommends, and a few responses. I got a bit of a rush by actually engaging in the great Kos dialogue. So I read the FAQ and learned the rules, like how to do boxes and links, and was off to the races.

But pretty soon it was hard not to think of commenting as sort of a game. I mean after all, if my comments were good enough, and I racked up enough ratings, then maybe some day I could achieve this TU status that I heard about. That the formula for TU status was a mystery only made me want it more. Let's see, if I started from scratch, counted up all my comments and ratings, I can eventually achieve TU status, and decipher da Kos code.

Along the way, I learned a few things about commenting, here they are:

1.    Never comment on a diary near the bottom of the "Recent Diaries" list. Once I spent some time crafting my personal BCE (best comment ever). However, by the time it was posted the diary had disappeared forever and the Kos community was deprived of my wisdom. No recommends.
2.    Always recommend the diary you post a comment to, even if you think it's a lousy one. While you may not care if the diary lasts, it is only right that your comment lingers as long as possible (preferably on the front page) in order to maximize recommends.
3.    Don't waste too much time or effort. The highest ratio for ratings-to-actual-effort-expended is for short snarky comments that insult Republicans. When in doubt, just saying "Chimpy McSmirkface is a rat's ass" never fails.
4.    Always try to get in early on the thread, because by comment 100 the reader is scrolling fast and not reading carefully. If possible, be the very first commenter on an excellent diary. That way, people will mistake your comment for a tip jar and give you a bunch of recommends by mistake.
5.    Make mistakes. Once I made a totally false comment, and after being called on it by someone way smarter than me, I felt compelled to retract. Embarrassed, I quickly signed off and went to hide. A couple days later I dared sign on again and guess what? A dozen recommends for my retraction. So I thought, what else can I make up and then retract?
6.    If all else fails, impersonate a famous politician, preferably one of the Kos gods like Wes Clark or Harry Reid. They get the most recommends for just showing up and saying "Hi, I'm here to answer questions".

So I followed these rules diligently and then one day, voila, I was given TU status and the opportunity to troll-rate! This was a major rush, and I basked in my glory for a few minutes, then quickly read all the hidden comments and went hunting for trolls.

But a funny thing happened - suddenly I didn't seem to care anymore. The hidden comments just seemed like the work of a bunch of attention-seeking teenagers, and I found I really had no desire to troll rate anyone anyway. So I had another idea, how about if I only commented when I actually had something to say? While I'm sure that this will quickly lead to TU-emeritus status, at least I still have......my integrity?

Meanwhile I have another dream. Someday, if I work hard and keep my nose clean, maybe just maybe, instead of being just a sick commenter, I can become a real blogger.

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