From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming...
10. NASA mission to turn down the sun's thermostat
9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos
8. Fast track Rumsfeld's "Colonize Neptune" proposal
7. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem
6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over
5. I dunno---tax cuts for the rich?
4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone
3. Switch to Celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37
2. Keep plenty of Bud on ice
1. Invade Antarctica
Late Show with David Letterman
Cheers and Jeers turns up the heat in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Cheers for Thursday, July 28, 2005
Note: Today's C&J has been translated from the original Sanskrit text.
By the Numbers:
Days `til the 11th annual Windjammer Weekend in Camden: 36
Percent of Moroccans who supported Osama bin Laden in 2003: 49%
Percent who support the asshole now: 26%
Indonesian support for OBL in 2003: 58%
Indonesian support now: 35%
(Source: Pew Research Center)
Total charges for U.S. hospital stays last year (not including physicians' fees): $754 Billion
Total charges for stays at our apartment last year (not including physician's fees): $1.2 billion
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: WARNING: If you click this link you will be whisked away to the Land of Awwwws. You've been warned.
CHEERS to a little steam in the boiler. The Federal Reserve says the economy is perking up rather nicely. Low inflation, decent job market, higher spending and `buzzing' factories helped. Politics aside, I'm not gonna complain.
JEERS to corporate shilliness. 15 House Democrats joined the GOP Sith in voting for the Central American Free Trade Agreement (NAMBLA), which passed 217-215. As Joshua Holland says over at The Gadflyer, "Those 15 Dems should lose their jobs." Unfortunately, they won't be the only ones when this thing kicks in.
CHEERS to the beginning of the end. Bush: We're winning the war in Iraq and freedom is on the march. Iraq's prime minister: Get...the hell...out!! Well, if you insist. And with that attitude, we'll just take our 14 Iraq mega-bases with us, too.
P.S. Via Atrios and Onegoodmove: The President of the United States sends a message to America on national TV: "Fuck you!" We may not agree, but at least we know...where...he...stands... No, he's just a putz.
JEERS to the Blame Plame scandal. Deborah Orin at the New York Post pops the bubble on the Rove investigation with this bombshell: Valerie Plame is a great big old, um, non-criminal because she...(send the children from the room, please)...bought a couple tickets to a Springsteen concert. Lady be in leg-irons by sundown, I `spect.
CHEERS to charred ground beef with ketchup, lettuce and onions between a big `ol bun. On this date in 1900, Louis Lassing invented the Hamburger. Just to piss off the vegans.
JEERS to the dirtiest bastards in New England. A coalition of environmental groups released their list of the northeast's worst polluters. Maine wasn't on the list, but Massachusetts leads with 3 shit-belching plants. Sucks to be first, don't it? Now put a cork in it.
CHEERS to Bill Clinton. Addressing a veterans convention in New Orleans on this date back in 1996, he called on Congress to pass expanded anti-terrorism measures. You don't say.
JEERS to the merging of truth and toon. Freaky stuff here. On the day Doonesbury has George Bush giving Karl Rove a promotion despite his incompetence, George W. Bush actually gives Karl Rove a raise despite his incompetence. We'll file this item under: Just batshit crazy.
CHEERS to David Sirota. In today's must-read, the "sexy, sexy wonk" joins the chorus of Democrats saying "Thhptpthttt!!" to the DLC. What?? Elections are won outside of the beltway??? Get out!
JEERS to the pain, the pain! On July 28, 1865, the American Dental Association proposed its first code of ethics. Obviously they haven't done much with it since. Now open wide while we stick this sharp metal pick in your mouth.
CHEERS to taking care of the chit'lins. Maine ranks 7th overall in the latest Kids Count Report. We have the lowest infant mortality rate in the country, and the 4th lowest rate of teen pregnancy and percent of teens who are "neither in school or working." But not all is well in the Pine Tree State...we're 35th in teens with the lowest-riding pants.
JEERS to meddling. The mayor pro-tem of Anderson, SC is mulling a ban on tacky patio furniture (aka putting indoor furniture outdoors). Bea Thomson says it's hurting the town's image, and she wants to levy fines of $1,000 for people who don't remove their tattered couches and other "ugly" stuff...by her standards, we presume. I don't want to be within 500 miles of that place when she tries to ban pink flamingos.
JEERS to kitty's taste buds. Ever wonder why cats are so much grouchier than dogs? Apparently it's because they can't taste sweets, say researchers. That'd certainly tip me over the edge.
CHEERS to sky percussion. It happened around 8 O'clock last night---one of those heart-stopping thunderclaps where the lightning and thunder hit simultaneously right outside the window, rattling the teeth and releasing a quart of adrenaline. Mother Nature's version of Red Bull.
C&J Flashback: July 28, 2004...
CHEERS to curiosity. The 9/11 report---in book form---is flying off the shelves. But C&J predicts 90% of buyers will end up using it as an oversized coaster.
CHEERS to Breakfast with Kos. CNN runs a produced segment this morning on "Buh...buh...buh-logs," in which Kos plays a starring role. Memo to bubble-headed anchors: Here's a mirror. Take the next hour to practice talking about us without that goddam smirk on your face. There's a coupon for a free peroxide treatment with your name on it if you can pull it off.
And just one more...
CHEERS to the pause that refreshes. For those of you who are baking in the heat, click here for a splash of cool relief. Dumdum... Dumdum... Dumdumdumdumdum...
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Dear Gracious Heavenly Father,
Forgive us our sin of being dependent upon Cheers and Jeers and not on You. Please restore invention, productivity and prosperity."
A Michigan Citizen