Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Note: Anyone who disagrees with me this morning gets a headbutt to the chest, red card be damned!
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Labor Day: 54
Days `til the Winter Harbor Lobster festival: 31
Pounds of animal crap produced per year by U.S. mega-stockhouses: 500 million
(Source: Salon.com via ThinkProgress)
Pounds of crap produced by Fox News per year: 750 million
Heaviest single turd produced at the network in one sitting: 18½ pounds (Brit Hume in April, 2004, after a long lunch at Applebee's...or so the legend is told)
Years since "blue bell" was made an official Crayola color: 8
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
American League 3 National League 2
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Out.
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CHEERS to India. They certainly need `em after bombs ripped through 7 trains yesterday in---oh, you're kidding---Bombay, killing 183 (probably higher) and injuring 714. No one is sure yet exactly who coordinated the attacks. Officials, working through the night to comb through the damage, suspect it was the work of dickheads.
P.S. "Today we are all Indians."
JEERS to the other Tuesday massacre. In Iraq, bombs killed 60 people yesterday, including one that went off across the street from the frickin' Green Zone. Thank God Don Rumsfeld was available to make a surprise visit there to visit his self-described "Army you have. They're not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time." He's cuddly.
CHEERS to Michael Moore. For surfacing with an update on his upcoming movie, "Sicko." Seems the filmmaker---whom the right wing hates because, well, he's overweight---is getting more than he bargained for:
[L]ike my other movies, what we start with (General Motors, guns, 9/11) is not always what we end with. Along the way, we discover new roads to go down, roads that often surprise us and lead us to new ideas---and challenge us to reconsider the ones we began with. That, I can say with certainty, is happening now as we shoot "Sicko." I don't think the country needs a movie that tells you that HMOs and the pharmaceutical companies suck. Everybody knows that. I'd like to show you some things you don't know. So stay tuned for where this movie has led me. I think you might enjoy it.
I'm detecting the possibility of some undercover footage "starring" Rush Limbaugh. Nah...that'd be too much to hope for.
JEERS to gridlock as usual. Congress reconvened Monday after their 73rd vacation of the year:
"Historically, this is certainly not a Congress that will be remembered," said Larry Sabato, of the University of Virginia's Center for Politics. "There is just not much there."
Except a lovely series of TUBES!!!
CHEERS to Yankee Ingenuity. On this date in 1872, the doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maine. Only after his early experiments on lobsters went disastrously wrong.
JEERS to deficit deception. Here's how the game's played: the White House deliberately puts out a terrible deficit forecast. When the actual deficit numbers come out, they make it sound like it's Free Ice Cream Day in America:
The President: Our original projection for this year's budget deficit was $423 billion. That was a projection. That's what we thought was going to happen. That's what we sent up to the Congress, here's what we think. Today's report from OMB tells us that this year's deficit will actually come in at about $296 billion." (Applause, confetti drop, marching band plays We're In The Money, old people throw away their walkers.)
Next, the reality-based community steps in to point out that it's still the 4th-largest deficit ever (the top 5 all happened on a Bush's watch). And the final step: George W. Bush continues to be the worst president in history. Remember that, children, when you're paying all this shit off.
JEERS to scraping the barrel. The New York City Log Cabin Republicans could invite any number of credible, thoughtful speakers to their monthly membership meeting. So who did they pick for tomorrow's gathering? Former non-journalist and male prostitute Jeff Gannon aka James Guckert aka "Diaper Dude". In fairness, the theme of the meeting is: "Look! We can be just as stupid as straight people!"
CHEERS to the last white man sporting a 70's afro. Happy birthday to Richard Simmons. We all decided that you, dear reader, should deliver his birthday spanking---one butt slap for each day of his 58 years. Total = 21,170. We'll stop by later to bring you (low-fat) lunch.
CHEERS to mysteries solved. Robert Novak emerges from his crypt to reveal two of his sources in the Valerie Plame leak: Karl Rove and former CIA spokesman Bill Harlow. As for the elusive "primary leaker," C&J has confirmed that he works deep within the White House. Very...very...deep. It's always the quiet ones.
CHEERS to pleasant distractions. 46 years ago today, the first Etch-A-Sketch went on sale. For the love of god, stop thinking about politics for two seconds and go play with yourself.
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One Year Ago in C&J: July 12, 2005:
CHEERS to carving the roast beast. As yesterday's press conference demonstrates, White House reporters are capable of serving a lying jerk his head on a platter. Now add some tougher questions on Iraq... Social Security... Health care... The deficit... Halliburton... Etcetera... It's easy once you get the hang of it!
JEERS to Hillary. She's getting fire from the Rethuglican wing of the Republican party for saying, "I sometimes feel that Alfred E. Neumann is in charge in Washington." Now she's gonna take some from me. Senator...Ma'am...you do a grave disservice to the MAD magazine icon. He wouldn't have given massive tax cuts to the rich, he'd focus on health care, and he sure as hell wouldn't start a bogus war. In fact, I suggest we form An exploratory committee forthwith!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Bill Maher. "A church in Memphis has erected a five-story Statue of Liberty, but instead of holding her torch, she's got a crucifix. That doesn't make any sense. But if a five-story vampire comes at these people, they are so covered."
P.S. Hootchie Cootchie Coo!!
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's shameless testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine is like a rambunctious little toddler that loves to get into everything."
---Dr. Suzan Murray
National Zoo chief veterinarian
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