Let's scare the living crap out of #100,000!!!

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Wednesday August 09, 2006 · 8:11 PM PDT

2006/08/09 · 20:11

Newbies ARE kinda gullible, so this should be pretty easy (and fun!)!

You know, he's probably read about us on the MSM, and is a little bit tentative, and wary, and maybe he's half believing what the newspapers and the TV said about us being all weird and radical and out-of-control and downright "Kossian" beatnik types and all that.

So, first, we'll tell him that, as #100,000, he has been revealed to us as our new Messiah.

Then we explain, Daily Kos is actually a cover for a joint Moonie/Scientologist/Pat Robertson sect secretly formed solely for the purpose of gathering members until we reached the divine number of 100,000.

And so, now we welcome #100,000 as our true god-made-flesh and the women of earth are his sacred vessels. Also, he gets unlimited troll points.

WELCOME TO DAILY KOS, MR. 100,000.

(Note: If #100,000 turns out to be a women herself, we were all wrong and our religion has to start over. But we have faith. Or, could she wear slacks.)

Then, we inform Mr. #100,000 that we have traced his phone, address, DNA, and iTunes downloads and shortly Tom Cruise (speaking of shortly) will be arriving at his front door with baby Surry, whom he is to raise as if it were his very own--except it lives on virgin blood (and DO NOT tell the tabloids about that--they will blow it all out of proportion).

By way of explanation of our current dismal state of global affairs, George W. Bush is actually a supressant Zortan glib-meister risen from the depths of hell by bad elements attempting to strip the world of its ice caps in order to prepare the planet of an invasion of creatures resembling Jabba the Hutt's's who communicate with their minions on earth by way or a code concealed in stories about missing blondes on Fox News. (That one could be true. At least it makes more sense than anything coming out of Tony Snow.)

And oh yeah. Kos is ACTUALLY L. R. Hubbard's love child by way of Ann Ryand. But that's a different story.

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