Help me pitch my "Path to" sequels!

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Sunday September 10, 2006 · 10:20 PM PDT

2006/09/10 · 22:20

Can anyone out there get me in touch with the producers of "The Path to 9/11?". I wanna do some pitchin'!

Dear Mr. "Path to" Producers:

Great admirer of your work, here. I'd like to pitch some of my ideas! See what you think. BTW, I made these up myself and did not steal them, although they are OFFICIAL TRUE STORIES that are BASED ON TRUE FACTS!

(A still shot from soon-to-be movie (we hope!) Path to the Texas National Guard.)

Path to the Texas National Guard

Based on a OFFICIAL TRUE STORY. The youthful, cowboyish, anti-communist scion of a rich, white, protestant, heterosexual, oil family is on his way to fulfilling his Texas National Guard obligations when his Texas National Guard dentist--Sylvester Stallone--desperately seeks his help for a secret mission. Cut to a series of two-fisted battles with a fey international labor union organizer (Kelsey Grammer). A whirlwind tour-de-force of world capitals ensues. After much action-packed action with a romantic subplot, the minimum wage is clobbered and Capitalism saved. Alas, Social Security still lurks and just before the credits the Texas National Guard attendance rosters are blown to smithereens. (If we can get him, think Colin Farrell!)

And the obligatory sequel:

Path to the Missionary Position

Also absolutely a OFFICIAL TRUE STORY. Picking up where "Path to the Texas National Guard" lets off, this coming-of-age tear-jerker follows the ups and downs of an all-American fratboy slacker type who has an incredible ability to make people just want to have a beer with him. Scene 1: Our hero is seduced by a young, strident, uppity, San Francisco fema-Nazi by the name of...NANCY PELOSI!, who introduces the innocent Texan to sex, drugs, and reading. Climax: Bush is seconds from losing his immortal soul to Pelosi's machinations when an other-worldly voice in his head proclaims "Ixnay on the owblay objay."

And now for something completely different:

Path to the Birth Canal

A bunch of latte drinking, Volvo driving, reality flaunting liberal types face their worst fears in this OFFICIAL TRUE STORY when they discover their new neighbors are a quarter million white, Christian, heterosexual, blasto-Americans living in a petre dish in a freezer in the basement of a local mega-church. Guest star Gary Coleman. (PLOT TWIST ALERT! What if the church turns out to be MORMON, and the blastospheres MEXICAN?!! Interested yet?!!!)

And something for our Morality-Americans:

Path to Armageddon.

Ripped directly from the headlines, this OFFICIAL TRUE STORY starts with Jesus chomping on his cigar while waiting on the runway, strapped into his God-idential fighter `copter. Yep, it's Second Comin' time. BUT WATCH OUT! Militant environmentalists temporarily throw a monkey wrench into the total ice cap meltdown and catastrophic global mass death slash civilization collapse needed to get things rolling. Who can save the day by destroying the earth? Rove, Frist, Alito, Exxon, and the President himself must join forces on this one.

And last but not least...

Path to Holocaust Shmolocaust

Pat Buchanan in this OFFICIAL TRUE STORY documentary corrects some popular myths about Nazi Germany (or as Grandfather Prescott Bush called it, "paydirt"). Contemporaries of Joseph Goebbels clear up misconceptions about his "persona," revealing that "in the green room, he was a charmer, a real gentleman, totally loved his wife. No matter how heated our public debates were, I considered him a personal friend--although he did have my entire family shot and my fingernails ripped out." Guest star Mel Gibson presents an amazing revelation about who started all the wars in history. Special guest star Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.