Most of you do not know it, but there has been a secret war taking place since late April of 2006: A war to end the use of cilantro as an ingredient in food. Oh, sure, it could be used as a condiment...if you take the enemies of the One True Herb at their word.
Fine. Let's take them at their word: Such as the promise by one to use nuclear weapons to eliminate cilantro.
I recognized only lately that such a struggle was taking place, right before our very eyes, with DailyKos as the central front in an insidious assault on our spice values.
Truly, this is a war of good versus evil, civilization versus barbarism, spicy versus bland.
Thank goodness that I noticed it happening in time to warn you. :)
(more below the break)
It Started With Some Asparagus
On April 30, The fact that asparagus makes some people's pee stink precipitated a hearty discussion...
Interesting but nasty asparagus trivia: Some people have a gene that makes their pee smell if they eat asparagus. I'm sure everyone needed to know that. Now aren't you hungry for breakfast?
The funk factor discourse moved headlong toward cilantro disaster afterward...
And now for something completely different ... does anyone else think cilantro has a kind of soapy taste?
And like a pebble kicked down loose shale, the landslide began in earnest, and the emergence of the greatest enemy cilantro would ever know issued her manifesto....
Cilantro is PURE EVIL
I never noticed if it taste like soap or not because I was too busy being sick everytime I tasted it in anything. All it takes is a little tiny bit to destroy the entire batch of whatever.
Seems most people either love it which means they put it in everything and LOTS of it, or hate it which means we HATE those other people who are destroying our food.
People who like cilantro can't understand people who don't and even if asked won't bother to keep it out like at restaurants. So infuriating when someone decides to waste my money and dining experience.
Truly, if a nuclear bomb could take things out selectively like just Cilantro then I could get behind that bomb.
That's right. Nuclear terrorism. Againt the cilantro-loving peoples of the world.
Happily, one brave defender stepped up immediately to confront this outrage:
i loooooove it
And for a short while, it looked like disaster had been averted.
But only for a short while.
The Battle of Knoxville (or: Salsa Jar Down)
The decision was made to defend the homeland kitchen aggressively, to take the battle to the terrorists who hated us for our cilantro.
The first preemptive strike took place in Tennesseee....
cilantro is amazing.
a restaurant here in knoxville called sunspot serves fresh tomatillo salsa.
BEST. SALSA. EVER.
cilantro, baby. lots of cilantro.
The enemies of cilantrolization resisted, of course..., bringing other vegetables into the conflict:
Sorry about the cilantro
To me it tastes like dish detergent, period. Am I the only one who notices the soapy flavor?
A few molecules of the stuff floating in an other wise yummy Mexican or Thai dish can ruin it for me.
My local supermarket displays the carrots, my favorite veggie, next to the cilantro. Sometimes the vile herb touches the carrots, and those carrots are defiled and must be carefully scrubbed.
And suddenly the barbarians swarmed:
Oh, gawd, like the worst soap ever.
Gives me wicked headaches every time.
And it looked bad, real bad, for the pro-cilantro team. It was like Somalia, only a key incredient of salsa was involved.
They Hate Us For Our Enzymes
From the cilantro-disliking side, it seemed that what was an immutable characteristic -- that some people possess an enzyme that confers on cilantro a soapy taste -- was the cause of vehement persecution. Their way of life was threatened from all sides by cilantro in processed foods, Mexican and Thai restaurants, in school cafeterias, you name it, cilantro was there. And tasting like soap.
Some took to haiku as a means of hitting back
You fuck up my tasty food
Fuck you, cilantro!
Otherstook appropriate issue with such attacks by calling it light they saw it:
Your friend is partaking in "haterism" against cilantro. Does it not matter that the cilantro is green like parsley and lettuce. No. All the "haterists" want to close their eyes to the wonderful things that cilantro has done in other dishes around the world.
Or simply reasserting their faith in cilantro:
perro LOVE him some cilantro...
For some, though, freedom FROM cilantro was truly a life or death matter
I am fatally allergic to cilantro (coriander/parsley and uncooked celery). Any suggestions what would be a good substitute? I hate how much Chinese, Indian and Mexican food I miss becaues of this allergy!
And good and generous persons sought to comfort them
Just leave out the cilantro!
It'll be just as good.
Here and there, in little ways, conversation across the cilantro divide did occur, and good feelings were engendered, where the people of the world were given opportunity to explore peaceful relations.
Alas, the great powers in the clash of cilantrozations were determined to have their war.
The Bleu Cheese Campaign
By early August, the great powers were on the move again. The great anti-cilantro leader made a surprise move:
Nothing quite like it, especially if you put it on an olive oil base with apples and walnuts.
Our great cilantro champion was wise to such trickery
almost troll rated that
bleu cheese is BAD.
The supreme cilantro-hater shot back:
Need I challenge you to a flame war?
In your very own diary?
I've never considered troll-rating you for pimping mushrooms or cilantro.
That's right. The 'haterists', as one defender of cilantro liberty called them, were invading the territory of decent, cilantro-loving peoples!
Such aggression would not be tolerated. The battle was joined with the now-immortal line:
And the war was on for real.
Now, some might say that the cilantro camp was trigger-happy, looking for an excuse to attack. Many governments elsewhere were puzzled by the objection to bleu cheese....though a significant coalition of regimes that favored ranch dressing with their hot wings and celery was willing to engage the anti-cilantro enemy.
One world power attempted to broker peace
I can't take sides
in an OC/CSI pie fight. But if you guys wanna cook samples, I'll be a quality control taster.
Alas, matters had already escalated.
The World Takes Sides
It was from the outset framed as an economic as well as ideological struggle that quickly involved many of the great powers of the world:
Well first order of business
We get this sub-thread sent down to HC so the other TUs can take sides. I'm picking Armando for my side. I get Cookiebear too because she has good taste unlike SOME people I know...
Then lets work out a name we can live with like Veg Wars or Cheese Wars (lame I know).
I think we could get bumperstickers printed up and sell them at yKos too.
Also, more and more persons began to register their feelings about cilantro
accept my gratitude (and some mojo) for the cilantro free recipe. The stuff makes my stomach turn.
That outburst alone started a long battle on the topic. And everywhere the evil one egged people on.
But good defenders of the cilantro faith stepped up
I could eat cilantro out of the plant pot.
Big handfuls! Yum!
I love it too.
The cilantro haters took the battle into cyberspace, organizing their forces into a decentralized structure ready to strike at targets of oportunity.
For many, there was no choice; cilantro was simply incompatible with their own way of life. Others decried atrocities, such as the torture of a bunny by forcing it to eat cilantro, while bookies took bets on how long the poor creature would survive before dying horribly from cilantro poisoning.
To help such innocents, to make the cilantro imperialists pay, a dedicated cadre of Haiku warrior-poets began their onslaught against what they decried as 'the vile weed'.
There is no escape!
Cilantro killed Saddam Hussein.
Stay away from me!
Cilantro so foul
Creation of the devil
Horrible green herb
A wonderful dish
It's loaded with cilantro
Now let us vomit
Which is not to say that cilantro lacked for new champions, to join the heroes and heroines already on the field of battle.
One newcomer to the fray declared herself, and would in time be the chief nemesis of cilantro-haters everywhere:
I adore cilantro
Good thing, since I'm living in Tucson. Nothing like a fresh homemade salsa with lots of fresh cilantro in it. Mmmmmmmm.
I know what I'm shopping for in this week's grocery run!
And then came another pause.
The False Detente
For a time, it appeared that the Cilantro War might in fact die down, as 'keep it on your side of the dinner table' diplomacy was given a chance.
As only Nixon could go to China, only one person could go to Tucson. The conversation went like this:
I just posted something about how there wouldn't be bickering in the food group and here we are with a bad one...
Okay, em... you can have your cilantro as long as you keep it in Tucson.
ALL OF IT!
And if you are ever around anyone else, put it on the side!
Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le
I said I adore cilantro - that doesn't mean I expect anyone else to eat it! You're safe from me & my cilantro-loving ways, I promise.
What I love about Dems!
And to show my respect back for you em, I'm saving you all the cilantro I have to pick out of my food and bringing it to yKos.
That was September 12, 2006. It could have been the anniversary of world peace. It should have been. What went so terribly wrong?
It might have been the continued animus between fans of cilantro and its detractors.
I am no cilantro fan, either.
I don't mind that it exists, I just don't think it should be anywhere near food. ;x
Or perceptions that protecting cilantrozation was paramount...
it's important stuff, cilantro.
...that the cilantro-haters were not to be trusted...
I love cilantro
that's CSI bentonville who has a plot to ban that one. NOT ME. And she aint in charge around here muahahahahaha
....and for the cilantro-haters, tolerance of 'the evil weed' was not an option:
It is an evil weed that needs to be a condiment not an ingredient.
BLEU CHEESE NOT CILANTRO
That's my campaign slogan for when I take over this project of yours McOrangeClouds.
Seriously. Turns out there's an enzyme difference in those who like it and those who can't tolerate it and it does make those of us who can't very sick.
It isn't fun.
And the new peacemaker? The new champion? She announced plans for cilantro proliferation
I plan to start a little herb garden in the back "yard". And, yes, I will grow cilantro!
From this point forward, it becomes difficult to track all the carnage. skirmishes and flame battles erupted across cyberspace, especially in DailyKos, in what had become the central front in the War on Terror That Is Cilantro, as the cilantro-haters called it; cilantro-lovers simply called it the Cilantro War.
Major events so far:
The Twenty Spice Puns Campaign
The Chevrolet Cilantro Incident
Recipe Censorship Act debated
The Post-DKOS Birthday Ambush
The Battle of Bwahaha
The Cilantro Troll Crisis
Presently, the fate of cilatrozation is up inthe air. Can we continue to defend the inclusion of the One True Herb in the foods of our choice -- freedom for cilantro! is the cry of many. Freedom from cilantro is the cry of as many more.
Who shall prevail? Both camps have powerful champions, resolute, resourceful. Both sides are prepared for a perpetual struggle for, after all, this feud is about food, and what could be more basic than that?
And in the interests of full disclosure
I'm all about the cilantro.
Just in case my personal preference did not quite make it through in the text. :)