Sometimes it's nice to put partisanship aside and throw the other side a bone. In that spirit, I've spent some time coming up with good campaign slogans for the Republican presidential candidates. Republicans, you can use any of these you like: I won't charge you.
Rudy Giuliani
My other wife is 9/11
Millionares for Mitt
Because dogs and poor people suck.
Vote Tancredo
Because Sam Brownback isn't insane enough.
Vote Sam Brownback
Doesn't "Tancredo" sound ethnic to you?
McCain
I'm a still a maverick. Now give me a dollar.
Fred Thompson for President
Hey, baby. This is what passes for sexy.
Huckabee '08
I'm running too, goddamn it!
Kids for Ron Paul
Like Optimus Prime, but with lower taxes.
That's the great thing about this presidential race. In the effort to out-Bush Bush, there's all sorts of directions one could go. You could out-fearmonger the Executive Fearmonger, as Rudy attempts daily. You could play the race card, or the race posterboard, or the sturdy and water-resistant race tarp, as Tancredo and Brownback have based their entire campaigns on. You could campaign as the anti-Bush while supporting pretty much everything he does (McCain), or drift yourself into high-minded, milquetoast irrelevance (Romney, Huckabee) or -- what the hell -- just do a full Bush swandive off the intellectual cliff, and go for Thompson's dumb as a post, but I promise I'm far too sleepy and unambitious to do much real damage. That one was the winner last time, but out-dumbing or out-slacking Bush is going to be a challenge. Merely forgetting about Terri Schiavo or that the Soviet Union broke up won't do it -- try running over a few children on a Segway, then having your press flacks pin the blame on unpatriotic media coverage.
I have to say, though: if we're choosing favorites in this race, I'm going to have to go with Giuliani. Watching the entire conservative movement drag their depressed and bitter asses behind a New York City candidate with liberal (well, for them) social policies and legendary ethical and sexual baggage? Sign me up.
And who wouldn't like a guy who traipses around the country wearing 9/11 like a superhero's cape -- like a toddler tying a towel around his neck and pretending to be Superman? It may be terrible for the country, but the comic possibilities are endless. You put him and Clinton as the nominees, and red state voting booths will look like the sand wastes of Dune.
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