Back on 2001, right after Inauguration Day, $10,000 of your Social Security funds were placed in a special private personal magic pony account where it would enjoy the explosive benefits of the our surging prosperity, and the Longest Peacetime Terra-fightin' Expansion in HISTORY... History... history. All of this made possible by cutting taxes on the productive people at the top of the food chain and removing those regulations that prevented our financial institutions from using all their imagination in creating new ways to loan give... to give you money! We at the Treasury know there was some discussion about not going along with the president's plan, but I think you'll agree that what we've learned over the last seven years is that the president can do anything he wants and no one will do more than talk about stopping him. So we just did it! Say, why not send us a subpoena? That'd be a hoot!
Now, as we close in on the last year of this glorious wondertime, here's a quick report on how your outsourced, privately-managed fund has done.
2002 – Okay, your original $10,000 is now worth $9, 182. But hey, 9/11, ya know? We all have to make some sacrifices. Besides, inflation was so low that you still have $9079 as much buying power as you did the year before. Hustle on off now and shop.
2003 -- Your balance is now $7863. See 9/11. Add in the absolute need to go after Saddam, who we all know was behind it all and is planning to attack the United States with his perfectly maintained massive military, loads of chemical weapons, and nuclear bombs. (Oh yeah, that's $7578 in pre-9/11 dollars, and you're a traitor for even asking.)
2004 -- You're a winner! All those gloomy Gusi have been proven wrong. Your piddly $10,000 original is now $10,042. That's $9,495 in 2001 dollars, but don't thank us now. Just you wait till next year!
2005 -- Eh, call it a push. So you're down to $9,824. Look at how much you've gained since 2003! There's always a silver lining. After all, $9021 original dollars is a lot better than where you were.
2006 – Now you have $10,104, so you're back on top again. And besides, this economy is coiled like a spring! Here it comes... $8922 original dollars after inflation on their way to a million.
2007 – Boom! $11,795 is yours. Everyone who ever said the market wouldn't take care of this thing is proven wrong. Don't say those fund managers weren't worth the $90 million a year we've been paying them, just because they only match the Dow mix. Best of all, when you account for inflation, that's still a $201 gain in only six years. $34 a year. We're completely sure you don’t mind us putting $10K at risk for those kinds of gains.
Just be glad you didn't need to retire in 2002. Or 2003. Or 2004. Or 2005. Or 2006. And be glad you didn't invest at the peak of the market back in the late 90s. $10,000 put in back then would be down by a cool thou when you adjust for inflation. While you're at it, give thanks you chose the right fund. Because if our investors had matched the most widely used index – S&P – rather than the Dow, you wouldn't have that huge gain. See, with the Dow stocks get swapped in and out, and it only matches a little part of the market. The S&P covers a much bigger part of the market, and if you'd invested there, you'd have $10,554 now. Or $9127 in 2001 dollars.
Thank goodness you didn't invest in real estate funds that went pop, or in banks that invested too much in bad debts, or in one of the 75% of mutual funds that underperformed the Dow.
Be really grateful that our fund managers charged you absolutely nothing for this service, because if you'd had to pay the kind of overhead most mutual funds carry, it would have more than carried away your gains, and then some. Fortunately, we knew that there were hundreds of big Wall Street firms out there, willing to help out the American citizen for free. Wall Street is known for being generous like that.
Now that we've made you all this money, how are you going to spend it? We suggest a nice vacation to Europe. You might want to order a few extra traveler's checks. If you're hoping to drop in on Cool Britania, because it'll take about $1,378 to exchange for the same number of pounds that $1,000 would have bought in 2001. The dollar is worth a whole 67% of what it used to be across the channel in France Freedomland.
We know that you were considering a vacation home up in Nova Scotia, maybe looking for something around the $150,000 range. And really, that was a great idea in 2001. But if you want to spend the equivalent up there now, you'll need to pony up $234,000 – and that's before you start figuring in the rising cost of homes. So maybe you'd be better off thinking about keeping that money in your own country, right?
With all that, I'm sure you agree that we made the right moves economically. Why, when you consider the explosive rise in home prices, and all the joy our reduced taxes have brought, there are almost half a million new millionaires in this country. And for that, we only have an increase of about 7 million people living in poverty.
Sure, median family income was down about $2,000 from 2001 to 2004, but that was the bad times. We don't have the numbers yet, but we're sure it's soared since then, because as we all know, when the people at the top making their money off the stock market are doing well, that rising tinkle-down stream of Reaganomic voodoo raises all the little boats on a warm yellow tide. Sure, the median family is carrying more of the tax burden than they were back then. Sure, health care costs have destroyed most of the value of your savings. Sure, the average family is working more hours, carrying more debt, and seeing less return.
But we think you'll agree, it was all worth it. After all... more millionaires! Now, about the rest of that Social Security account. Wait till you hear what we've done with that!
(Methodology and sources: prices for the Dow Jones Industrial Average and S&P Index were taken from Google historical stock prices on the day of trading closest to the anniversary of inauguration day. Inflation calculated using the US Department of Labor Consumer Price Index values 15 Nov 2007 update. Exchange rate from the Federal Reserve Statistical Release Jan, 2001 and Nov, 2007. The number of millionaires in the United States is a surprisingly difficult question to answer. CNN Money gives the number as 9.3 million households. Merrill Lynch gives the number at 1.9 million households. That's a huge difference. The number of people in poverty is also an open question. The Census Bureau has their numbers, numbers that others think are drastically undercounted.)
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