MY SWEET LORD
By David Podvin
In the movie "Slingblade" the protagonist is a mentally damaged, painfully inarticulate man with an unfortunate penchant for mayhem. On November 7, 2000, most voters decided this plotline was better suited for a film than for a presidency. However, the Falangist majority on the Supreme Court soon intervened to declare that the loser was the winner, and Justice Antonin Scalia exalted the ruling as being inspired by God Almighty. As a result of God's affinity for appallingly incompetent governance, the world's only superpower has since been run by a menace whose contact with reality is tangential at best.
George W. Bush claims that he was ordered by Jesus Christ to conquer Iraq. Christ apparently also insisted that Bush steal Iraq's oil, and being a devout Christian the former Texas governor readily complied. As the story goes, the Lord had previously commanded Bush to subvert democracy in the United States and eradicate it in Haiti. Yet even divine beings are entitled to a certain elasticity of principle, so now the Big Guy has told Bush to cultivate an Iraqi democracy, and to do so by killing lots of Iraqis.
The Scriptures reveal no discernible evidence that Jesus favors the Pol Pot method of democratization, but Bush swears it was none other than the Prince of Peace who decided Iraqi soil must be stained red. This blasphemous version of the Nuremberg Defense has struck a responsive chord with religious conservatives, serial killers, and other psychotics who find plausible the concept of homicidal missives sent from above.
Nevertheless, there are citizens who remain dubious that the Almighty is a Bush accomplice to mass murder. Cynics suspect that the bloodthirsty deity whom Curious George channeled was actually the disordered halfwit staring back at him from the mirror...
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