Today, I went with my wife to a second mammogram and an ultrasound. Her doctor had told her on the phone that if things still looked bad, they would take a needle biopsy. Things did not go well.
I watched the doctor plunge a needle into my wife’s breast. I watched a small ultrasound display that helped the doc hit the target. the dark mass looked fairly innocent on the ultrasound, but I found myself hating it; giving it a personality and an intent to hurt someone I love. I winced as the needle device clicked loudly to capture it’s sample. Three samples were taken as my wife held my hand and stoically endured the whole invasive process. I tried to smile bravely at her - I needed to be strong after all. But this was hard for me. I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2002. And my wife’s sister is currently battling stage 3 breast cancer. I want so desparately to have my wife with me for a long time. I
am an agnostic, but I found myself praying today. I am indeed in a foxhole now, with my best friend and lover beside me.
They told us that we will have the results by 4:00pm tomorrow. As we drove home, I tried to chat, but found myself turning on Air America. And so we heard the news of Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer returning. We heard the Edwards’ brave comittment to his campaign, to their ideals, and to each other. I heard this on and off for the rest of the day. One phrase of John Edwards’ stuck with me: " "We are very optimistic about this, because having been through some struggles together in the past, we know that the key is to keep your head up and keep moving and be strong.". It felt like a life-preserver to me. And it made me realize that today, John Edwards is me, and I am John Edwards. We are likely soldiers in the same battle, and we are fighting out of deep love and commitment.
"Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down.
Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down
Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down"
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