Some overeager vice squad cop harrasses you as you are trying to read some important U.S. security-related papers (I'm assuming) spread out on the floor of your men's room stall. This cop has never encountered a man of stature and size like you before, Senator Craig, and so he doesn't understand the need for a wide stance while defecating / working.
The cop panics, starts arresting you right and left, calls Tucker Carlson on his speed dial to come help subdue you (Tucker doesn't show, being at his remedial ballroom dance lessons), and then somehow forces you (by threatening harm to the troops, I assume?) to plead "guilty."
You say the word "guilty" to placate him -- to stop his madness -- and then a corrupt system assumes you meant YOU were guilty when you pled that way, rather than assuming, as you did, that there was an implied question: "If a Democrat did this, what would he be?"
But the cruelest cut of all, sir: your colleagues don't believe you. They pile on. They bare their teeth. They tear, they rip, they rend. They regurgitate. They repudiate. They rasp, they regulate, they roust, they do every other "r" verb except recall.
They really turn on you, bro.
Excuse me. Senator bro.
Norm Coleman, that weasel, that jackal with the free dental work, he says you should resign. This despite his questionable marriage to a stripper (a.k.a. "actress") who lives in Hollywood, CA. -- thousands of miles from their marriage bed in Minnesota -- and his history of smoking The Pot. Yes, The very Pot.
Jonah Goldberg at National Review starts making homo jokes about you, despite the fact that he wouldn't know a wide stance if it came in his next box of Mallowmars. (...Well, I take that back. His mama, Clinton blowjob fan Lucianne, probably had a fairly wide stance for decades after giving birth to him.)
The point is, buddy...
Senator buddy, yes, sure...
They done you wrong.
Those bastard-people done you wrong, and you HAVE TO FIGHT.
So fair-weather friend Mitt Romney doesn't want you involved with his campaign anymore? Tough darts, Willard!!! You should campaign like hell for the Mittster -- in fact, you should insist on sharing the Five Brothers bus his insane-looking sons travel in, and at every whistle stop go into a Chris Matthews-like swoon about what a huge hunk of meaty love Mitt is.
...I take that all back. That might be misconstrued as gay, and we all know you're not. No, sir. No gay man could be a Republican; no Republican has ever been gay; and perhaps most telling, no mere gay man has EVER required such a chasm-like stance as yourself, sir. In every public crapper, you are known as a veritable Colussus of Rhodes, straddling the necessary like a god as you poop / do Senator stuff.
Here's the bottom (sorry!) line, Senator: DO NOT QUIT. Billions of straight American men like myself do not want to see you railroaded by men with no morals, no loyalty, and with teeny-tiny, narrow, pitiful little stances which pretty much SCREAM "sissy!"
Take back your resignation, Senator. Stay in the Senate. Stay in the good fight. Stay in the Republican Party. Stay in the john as long as you want, too, and don't come out until your legs are good and ready to make the long trip back towards each other, and your business is done, and your "business" is "done." Wash your hands, yes, but not in that fastidious, soap-using way of le gay. That is not your way.
Your way is that of a Republican United States Republican Senator who is a Republican (R), a proud member of the once-proud Republican party... which, though it has abandoned you for now, will be led back to its former glory. Under you. (Sorry. Choose your own preposition.)
Fight, sir. Fight, Senator Larry Craig. Your future glory is as wide as your stance, and the papers on the bathroom floor of your destiny say: Forward, ho!
(Sorry...)
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[UPDATE: Senator C, our friend illinifan17 reminds me below of something I left out: though it should go without saying, I assure you that America wants you to run for your office again. And again. And again. Run, sir! (Think of the look on Norm Coleman's dull, horsey face when you do.)]
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