[For various reasons, I must post this story early. This is not as unusual as it may seem, as many political stories are written in advance in order to meet tight news deadlines. -- Hunter]
Finally, primary season is over, and it couldn't come soon enough. After a week of conflicting polls and a flurry of last minute campaigning by all parties, ______ has (narrowly / decisively) won the Iowa caucuses.
Numerous factors contributed to this very predictable Iowa win. First, the ground game, and/or lack thereof. Second, the weather, most specifically the fact that the weather was different from what it might have been. And third, as always in Iowa, caucus-goers' "second choices" were (futile / important / decisive). If the voters had voted differently, then those different results would have been different -- think how much that would have changed things.
The last weeks of the campaign had been marred by several gaffes on the part of ______, threatening to slightly alter the outcome. Luckily, obvious gaffes by ______ and ______ balanced out that blunder. A last minute move by ______ that the campaign thought would be decisive was instead seen as small and pandering, negating its positive effect. And after the blunder by a ______ staffer when speaking about ______, the desperation became apparent.
So the voters -- I mean, caucus-goers -- have spoken, and at last it is over. This decision may or may not be further validated by voters in a second state, New Hampshire: nonetheless, the all-important, all-encompassing political concept known as momentum now renders the rest of the brief primary season meaningless. Of the fifty states in our union, the remaining forty eight are there largely for show, when it comes to the nomination process: the final result is now ordained. After all, the concerns of Iowa cannot reasonably be thought of as different from those in, say, California, nor can the voters of South Carolina be expected to treat the issues any differently than the voters of New Hampshire -- it is all essentially the same crapola. Momentum is key: voters prefer to go with a winner, for the same reason that football and baseball stadiums are more populated when a team is doing well than when it is doing poorly.
I suppose now is as good a time as any to note that, indeed, I have always been a ______ supporter. Yes, I have leveled harsh criticisms against all the campaigns, but looking back at my writings my support for ______ should be quite obvious and transparent -- unless you are an idiot. It has been obvious since day one that ______ would win the nomination: all the intervening campaigning has been moot, and a gigantic waste of money and time. If only the other candidates had dropped out earlier, we could have been spared this embarrassing spectacle.
In any event, is now time to set aside our differences rally behind the ______ campaign. During the last few months, we have been peppered with insults from the supporters of the various candidates. Only the supporters of ______ comported themselves with grace. While supporters or the ______ or ______ campaigns scoffed at each move by ______ supporters with assertions of desperation, we can now see that ______ supporters were the only ones not actually desperate. While supporters for rival campaigns implored each other to commit suicide, stick their faces in sausage grinders, or have sex with their mothers, we can see that only ______ supporters were acting out of genuine concern for their fellow man, and simply thought familial intercourse would be a helpful suggestion. And while ______ and ______ supporters were filling the internet with agonizingly sugary and implausible treacle about their candidates, as well as shameful and scurrilous attacks on the others, the treacle by ______ supporters was not at all nauseating or implausable, and the attacks not at all scurrilous. Their behavior has now been vindicated by a small subset of voters in the most important state in the union.
What is next, now that ______ has won the Iowa caucuses? Thankfully, there are political experts such as myself who can analyze such things, which will prove handy in the coming weeks.
Because of the win by ______, we can now expect the campaign dynamic to shift dramatically. The win by ______ will require the ______ and ______ campaigns to put all their efforts into a last-ditch attempt in New Hampshire. These efforts will probably "go negative" -- meanwhile ______, now sitting in the catbird's seat, will campaign as magnanimous and glowing figure, saying as little as possible in order to not upset their campaign momentum, but nevertheless will upset things slightly when they commit a (small gaffe / arguable gaffe / get mauled by housecats) during a routine campaign appearance.
This will of course result in ______ winning in New Hampshire, which will be unexpected by the ______ and ______ campaigns, each of whom will have voiced quite public certainties that they would prevail, especially after headlined accusations of flagrant ________ by ______ against ______.
From there, the rest of the primaries are rote excercises. Gains by ______ and ______ during the later primaries in ______ and ______ will provide short lived boosts. Even the ______ campaign will receive some attention, allowing them to at last (play kingmaker / retire with some honor intact / rebel and form a small island nation in the Caribbean.)
Finally, the entire process will be formalized at the Democratic National Convention. There will be signs, balloons, and thoroughly unobjectionable entertainment. Ratings will be described as "poor". The administration will issue a terror alert the day before, and as a result we will no longer be able to take (cellphones / pocket combs / underwear) on airplanes. And, at last, the delegates will cast their official votes, and we will all be able to remember the 2008 convention as the most boring / exciting convention in years. Who would have thought this campaign season, of all of them, would have wrapped up with a (dull, formulaic end / brokered convention / string of prostitution and bestiality arrests)?
All in all, it simply goes to prove the greatness of the country we live in. But I'm still glad it's over.
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