The 1st Huckamandment
I am the true candidate of God, no other candidates shall be quoted as such besides me.
"[Some of my opponents] do not want to change the Constitution ... What we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards" [1]
-Translation: Vote for me if you are afraid of God's wrath, and want a president who will eliminate all religious freedom in this country, except of course, his.
"Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers?" [2]
-Translation: If you vote for Mitt Romney, then you must first admit that Jesus is basically the devil. But if you vote for me, you're voting for Jesus as a cool, hip, Satan-less guy.
"It's when ordinary people rise above the expectations and seize the opportunity that milestones truly are reached" [3]
-Translation: By 'ordinary people' I mean me, Mike 'Jesus' Huckabee
"And the reason we have so much broken humanity is because sin reigns in the hearts and lives of human beings instead of the Savior." [4]
-Translation: See that, I used sin, savior, reign and humanity all in one sentence, I must be the divine candidate.
The 2nd Huckamandment
Thou shall not make yourself false candidates, for I am a jealous Huckabee, and shall not be ridiculed.
"It's pretty obvious that, there's gotta be, almost this, I don't want to use the word conspiracy, but there's just an anxiety that exists in the Washington power circles about our candidacy" [5]
-Translation: The evil Washingtonians are coming to get me because of their false worship of candidates from the 'power circle'
"Only John's hairdresser knows for sure." (In response to Chuck Norris (demi-god below Huckabee) criticizing McCain's age) [6]
-Translation: John McCain is a phony false idol who is too old to be a true candidate, and did he ever run a marathon like me? I didn't think so.
The 3rd Huckamandment
Thou shall never, and I mean NEVER take the name of your true candidate Mike Huckabee in vain.
"Mitt doesn't have anything to stand on except to stand against." [7]
-Translation: How dare you insult me with a straight face.
"The old guard threw everything they had at him, and their diminished power is now exposed." [8]
-Translation: Hear that guy, you even try to attack me and you will yourself truly be exposed, just look at my results in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and Michigan. oh wait, never mind that, HOW DARE those voters take my name in vain.
The 4th Huckamandment
Remember Election Day and keep it holy, whether rain, sleet, snow, or showers of ignorance, never skip out on voting for me.
"And obviously, the upstate is an important part of South Carolina for us, and if it starts snowing up there, that’s something we hope doesn’t happen." [9]
-Translation: I hope that there isn't bad weather up north, but there is in the south, that way all of Mccain's elderly supporters will be left on the outside, oh well.
The 5th Huckamandment
Always honor your father and mother politicians, and respect them for what they do, no matter what.
"I think the president has done a magnificent job. And generally, you know, I don't find that many areas where I would disagree with him." [10]
-Translation: If I make it to the general election, I think I just lost the chance of getting any switchover Democratic votes. Nothing a little voter fraud couldn't fix.
"I think that's a dangerous position to take, to oppose a sitting commander in chief while we've got people being shot at on the ground." [11]
-Translation: Wait, why are all the independent voters leaving too?
The 6th Huckamandment
Thou shalt only have a proper marriage when it is between a man and a woman. Also, I shouldn't say this publicly, but we probably shouldn't let liberals marry either, why would we need more of them?
"My wife Janet and I upgraded our vows on Valentine's Day, 2005." [12]
-Translation: That's right, we are now Mr. and Mrs. Mike Huckabee Deluxe, Version 2.0, Collectors Edition.
"What's the point of keeping the terrorists at bay in the Middle East if we can't keep decline and decadence at bay here at home?" [13]
-Translation Ignore the terrorists attacking our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, they can fend for themselves. We have bigger problems back home in America, like adultery! OH NO!
The 7th Huckamandment
I shall be known as the MOST anti-homosexual candidate.
"Marriage is a relationship between one man, one woman, for life." [14]
-Translation: Please ignore the fact that around 50% of all marriages between a man and a woman end in divorce, this is probably the only issue I agree with the crazy religious fundamentalists in Iran about, who of course, we will attack in due time, namely, February 13th.
The 8th Huckamandment
Only the church can steal.
"If every person who went to every church in this country, or even if they didn't, would give a dime out of a dollar just to help their neighbor, there would not be any need whatsoever of government assistance." [15]
-Translation: First off, you stupid Atheists can keep your money to yourselves, us Christians scoff at you guys and your 'values'. Second, when I said give a dime out of a dollar to your neighbor, I meant church, that way, they can give it to your neighbor for you. Of course, they'll be keeping roughly 90% of that to improve their buildings, but that is as always, beside the point.
The 9th Huckamandment
You shall not bear false witness about your fellow Republicans. However, you can say that you were going to, tell exactly how you were going to, actually do it, and then say you didn't.
""I’m going to be having a very different kind of press conference than originally I anticipated having," he said. "This morning I ordered our staff to pull the ad I told them I do not want it to be run."" Then Huckabee played the ad for every news outlet in the country. [16]
-Translation: See, I told you I wouldn't attack Mitt Romney, now, for my next trick, a play-by-play of how I would attack Mitt Romney. Remember how I explained earlier that he thinks Jesus is Satan-like, remember the earlier commandments children, and vote for me.
The 10th Huckamandment
Do not covet something you do not deserve.
"I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ." [17]
-I think this one speaks for itself
In conclusion, anyone who thinks I am being serious and really support Huckabee, this is my personal warning to you, get your satire radar checked, and have a great day.
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