I was going through a closet the other day and saw my asbestos suit hanging there. And I thought to my self "you know, it's been a long time since I've put that thing on..."
So I thought I'd just pull it out tonight and invite a good, old-fashioned flame war.
(Promised Hillary joke below the fold)
Sitting on the sidelines of the candidate flame wars, I've noticed that the Hil supporters tend to come back to a single point of logic: "She's the most qualified". Well, not to argue that point, although it really is a matter of opinion, it seems to me that there is one overriding consideration that we need to make. I can summarize that consideration in a single word: LANDSLIDE.
I'm talking about political landslide here, a 'happy days are here again' good ol' landslide victory where the winner pulls in 70% of the popular vote. Not anything like President Man-Date with less than 50% of the available political capital and a tortured (yes, pun is intended) legal justification for his win. No, I refer to a gen-yew-wine barnstorming win, where the other guy ends up looking like a brick wall just fell on his ass, because that is precisely what we need.
We have to take back the White House this cycle. As enticing as it may be to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, I simply do not believe we can afford that luxury for another four years. Hell, with what we're spending in Iraq, we can't afford jack shit. We can't afford to feed American citizens for heaven's sake. No, we have simply GOT to take back the Presidency, no matter how painful that may be to contemplate; we simply have got to do it.
Which brings me back to my thesis. (And you thought I didn't know what that was! Ha!)
Landslide. We gotta have it. We have to secure a victory so resounding that only an idiot (you know, the 29 percenters) can question it. And what will it take to achieve such a lofty goal? In a word(s) -- crossover votes. We need 70%, and given that the bottom-feeding 29% are a -- given -- that means that our candidate needs to vacuum up every other available vote, Democrat, Republican and Independent. So from that perspective, let's look at the current crop of potential Potentates:
Mitt Romney. A man for all people -- depending on what day you ask. BWWWAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA! Mr. Ken Doll? Please! (Is anyone here a song writer? We absolutely have to come up with a viral song about him. I'm thinking something along the lines of a "shiny, plastic toupee" to the tune of Prince's "Raspberry Beret". Write it. Go YouTube with it.)
John McCain. WTF???. Mr. "Caesar, I embrace you! Awkwardly. (this isn't considered a man-date, is it?)"? Yeah, right. He's sold his soul more times than Rudy has sold his mother's ________. And speaking of which:
RUDY! RUDY! RUDY! Yes, I know he's out of the race, but it's still fun to laugh at him.
RG: "They know me here in Florida!"
Advisor: Uhm, Rudy? That's a net-negative?
The man never had a snowball's chance in 9/11.
John Edwards. A man I would truly have liked to see go the distance. I think JE would make a splendid President. It's truly unfortunate that the vested interests also happen to own the media. And they don't like him.
John Mr. Edwards, I'm sad to see you go.
Barack Obama? Possibly maybe. The man has JE's oratorical gifts combined with even more charisma. And the fact he's black may not even matter to a lot of people. Now by "a lot of people" I do not refer to those living around me here in the deep South, but, you know, other people. (You wanna talk about fuckin' culture shock when I moved here?) But the man can SPEAK! And he has vision. And if it's true that "all we have to fear is fear itself", then perhaps our hope does rest on hope, and vision, and soaring rhetoric? Stranger things have happened.
And last we come to Hillary. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I have largely settled on Obama for this cycle. But I loved Hil & Bill. I thought it was great having them in the White House -- a twofer! But the problem is that Hillary has been painted into a caricature by the right wing. They HATE her. It's un-fuckin'-believable! Do you not receive those chain emails from your wingnut relatives? They would rather die than vote for her. And therein lies the problem -- she is so polarizing that not only will our opponents not vote for her, they might very well "hold their noses" and vote for Romney (or whoever). I mean, GOTV is a great thing, BUT NOT FOR THE OTHER GUYS! We need a landslide, but not a McCain landslide because Independents and disenfranchised Republicans could not bring themselves to push the button for her!
And so we come to my conclusion, based on the frequent emails I receive from my wingnut brother who apparently believes I share his bat-shit, racist beliefs: this joke, copied from a forwarded email, does not pass empirical evaluation on the criteria that the [subject] is likely to be the recipient of a nationwide outpouring of electoral support. In fact, that we must fall back on the null hypothesis, that while clearly Hillary Clinton is not a cow (as previous emails have suggested) she is certainly the target of widespread ridicule and condemnation, and as such cannot possibly garner the sort of landslide victory our party needs.
And in the run up to Super Tuesday, I honestly believe we should be considering how are actions are likely to mobilize our opponents. Just my thoughts, of course. And now the promised "joke". Bear in mind that this is what the other side is saying:
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I
have a great idea. I know how we can win back Middle America and
secure my presidential victory in 2008".
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?" asked Bill.
"Well", Hillary responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some
cheesy clothes and shoes like most Middle Americans wear, and then we
will stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part
we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we'll show
them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and
respect for the hard working people living there."
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually
they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow
they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender
takes a step back and says,
"Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"
Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We
were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in
some local color."
They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed
to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer
comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks
underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the
dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then
leaves the bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers
came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the
bartender over "'Tell me", said Hillary, "Why did all those old
farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some
sort of old custom?"
"Good Lord no", said the bartender, "It's just that someone has told
them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!"