New Rules

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Tuesday May 06, 2008 · 1:07 PM PDT

2008/05/06 · 13:07

Bill Maher is on hiatus, so I thought I would offer some methadone for those jonesing for his much better version of "New Rules" (Please Bill, don't sue me).

New Rule: If you are over 35, you are not allowed to wear shorts or sweatpants with lettering on the butt. I was greeted at my local gas station the other day with the rear view of what I thought was a young hottie wearing sweatpants with a logo on the butt. Upon further review, it was a woman in her upper 40's, who had obviously spent too much time in tanning booths, filling up her SUV.

New Rule: To the clerk at Barnes & Noble, when I am buying my new copy of Playboy Lingerie (with cash), I AM NOT INTERESTED in saving 10% by signing up for the rewards program! Hurry up and sell me my porn before the woman I smiled at while leafing through The Economist gets behind me in line.

New Rule: If you are going to pander to the gun-toters, avoid sending out a flier picturing a non-existent version of a $2,200 German rifle. If the media were not so dedicated to keeping the primary season alive, this would be a Dukakis in the tank moment.

And Finally, New Rule: To the MSM, you are not required to report every kookie measurable the Clinton campaign comes up with. I actually saw a CNN graphic including Electoral Votes (the only category which she was leading) along with pledged delegates, states won, etc. Electoral Votes are not relevant in a primary, and anyone who thinks McCain might win New York and Californina is an idiot. I think Olbermann is the only one reporting on this.

If anyone reads this, I will make another attempt at it, and I will try to do better next time.

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