The Polls: Rip Van Winkle Gets Some Shocking News

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Tuesday September 09, 2008 · 10:43 AM PDT

2008/09/09 · 10:43

[Note: We still do not have power at our home in Baton Rouge, but through the magic of the Internet, I am posting this piece to keep you entertained until I can catch up on things.]

You've heard it -- all the breathless hyperventilating about McCain's bounce after the convention. You've been hearing how that Trojan Moose, Sarah Palin, is going to energize the Republican base and carry them both into the White House. Well, it could be. Stranger things have happened.

And/But regardless of how close the polls are (and they are close) you're hearing this common refrain:

Democrats should be wiping the floor with McCain.

OK. Let's play a thought-game. You're Rip Van Winkle. You went to sleep, oh, around late 2003 or so. You wake up 5 years later. You want to know how the presidential campaign is going.

"Well Pres. Bush got re-elected and now John McCain is running," they tell you.

"Great," you say. "He's a terrific guy. Couldn't ask for a more qualified candidate. He must be kicking ass. After all, the Democrats are just a bunch of pointy-headed appeasers."

"Well...it's not going so well."

"What do you mean? McCain should be mopping the floor with the Democrats. The war on terror! Bush is a war president! The Islamofascists are at the gate! The transcendent struggle of our time! Bush endorsed McCain, right?"

"Well...yes."

"So what's the problem?"

"The Democrats are running a .... unique candidate."

"Oh my God. Hillary finally got the nomination? McCain will FOR SURE kick her ass."

"Um, no. She didn't get the nomination."

"You're kidding. Who could have beaten her? You said it was a unique candidate. It can't be that loser Edwards, right? He's nothing but a phony skirt chaser."

"No. It wasn't Edwards."

[pause]

"Well then who? Not Kerry again?"

"Nope."

"Jaysus. Gore??? It's Gore isn't it?"

"I'm afraid it's not."

[pause]

"Howard Dean?"

"Um, no. Listen. You better sit down. The candidate's name is Barack Hussein Obama. And he's black."

[stunned silence]

"Let me get this straight," you say. "We're in the middle of a war on terror. We're going to elect a wartime president. We're in a fight to the death with Al-fucking-Qaeda and the Democrats are running a Black Muslim candidate? And McCain isn't 40 points ahead? Are you fucking kidding me?? What the fuck is going on here?"

[awkward silence]

"Have you got a few minutes? Let me fill you in on what's happened since you fell asleep..."

I could continue, but you get the picture.

P.S. Do yourself a favor -- buy a hat and hang the fuck on to it, OK? And stop obsessing over daily tracking polls.

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