Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Note: A late-breaking note to our Jewish readers. Yom Kippur, the "day of atonement" has been extended to sundown tomorrow. Apparently you were extra naughty this year. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Capitalism: A Love Story arrives in theatres nationwide: 2
Days `til the Kick Gas Festival in San Diego: 24
Length of Canada's 2008 federal election campaign: 37 days
(Source: The Boston Globe)
Percent, respectively, of Democrats, independents and Republicans who favor sending more troops into Afghanistan: 30/38/63
(Source: USA Today/Gallup poll)
Percent of glass containers that are recycled nationwide: 25%
Percent of steel cans that are recycled: 63%
(Source: EPA)
Percent of annual candy corn production that will be eaten between now and Halloween: 75%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 163 (including 3 "Wild Weathers" and here's a candidate for a fourth one). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cannonball fail
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CHEERS to the beating heart of the public option. Pardon my French, but fuck yesterday's votes in the Finance Committee. That panel is fast becoming a public joke---an outlier producing something completely at odds with all the other Senate and House bills---five of 'em!---that've been passed with a public option, and backed by overwhelming public demand and medical professionals stamping their feet for real reform from sea to shining sea. It's maddening as hell watching the conservative clowns on both sides dance for thugs. You can almost see the earpieces they wear for receiving talking points from the insurance lobbyists. But...I think it's slowly dawning on more and more Democrats that failure to pass reform with a strong government component will invite an internal civil war in which the only winners are the Republicans. So I see cloture in our future followed 51 votes. And, in this household, 51 Jello shots.
CHEERS to tattered auction paddles. Wow---you guys really went into a bidding frenzy at the Netroots Nation fall auction. The total raised at the closing buzzer last night: nearly 17 thousand bucks! And this year only six people were sent to the hospital during the bidding war over lunch with Nate Silver. I guess his star is fading.
JEERS to economic whiplash. Hooray---the recession is over and we're out of the woods! Correction---the recession is over and we're still deep in the woods:
The recession has hit middle-income and poor families hardest, widening the economic gap between the richest and poorest Americans as rippling job layoffs ravaged household budgets. ... Household income declined across all groups, but at sharper percentage levels for middle-income and poor Americans. Median income fell last year from $52,163 to $50,303, wiping out a decade's worth of gains to hit the lowest level since 1997.
Two things: 1) I wonder which Sunday morning news show John McCain will appear on this week to calm a weary nation with his mavericky resolve. 2) The teabaggers are too dumb to know that this is the kind of thing they should out protesting---and not on the mall, but in front of corporate headquarters everywhere. Oh, and I'm gonna guess Face the Nation.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. CNN's Candy Crowley asks: Can Obama fit any more on his plate?
Zucchini!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to learning your letters. B...B...B...B...What begins with B? How 'bout Big? And British? And Boat? Put 'em all together and you get Holy shit!!! (Now you know why I'd make a really lousy Kindergarten teacher.)
CHEERS to great inventions. On September 30, 1846, William Morton---a Boston dentist---used ether as an anesthetic for the first time. It worked really well. But he had better luck the next day when he used it on the patient.
CHEERS to getting back on your feet. Remember that whole Franken/Coleman recount kerfuffle in Minnesota that ended most satisfactorily for our side? There were two media stars we depended on during that live-action drama: Kossack WineRev and The Minneapolis Star Tribune. We're pleased to read that the latter just emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Good---because we want it to be around so we can read all about it when Michele Bachmann meets her Waterloo.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 30, 2004
JEERS to Foxwatchers. Like we didn't know this already: kids who watch Jon Stewart are ten times more likely to have a clue than grown-ups who watch Brit Hume. And O'Reilly viewers typically wear special helmets to keep them from hurting themselves.
JEERS to Health Care in America. Premiums are rising faster than pay, and plans cover fewer services. On the upside, most plans still only charge 5-dollar co-pay to have the doctor explain your prognosis with a sock puppet.
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And just one more...
JEERS to weird obsessions. Ever since Dick Cheney allegedly told Chris Matthews---and apparently no one else on Earth---that he preferred people to pronounce his last name "Cheeney," the Hardball host has launched an obsessive-compulsive crusade to get Americans to follow suit. As in: "Tonight we'll talk about the latest accusations about enhanced interrogation involving Dick Cheeney---and that's how he likes to have his name pronounced, 'Cheeney' not 'Chaynee.' That's Chee as in Ch' Ch' Ch' Chia, not Chay as in Che Guevara. Got it?"
Well, guess what? It turns out that Liz Cheney, the psychotic daughter who is mulling a run for political office, pronounces her name "Chaynee." So this is what we have to look forward to some day in the probably-not-too-distant future:
Hi, I'm Chris Matthews. Tonight we'll be talking about the speech at the Heritage Foundation today by former Vice President Dick Cheney---remember to pronounce it "Cheeney," not "Chaynee." And then we'll talk with Liz Cheney---pronounced "Chaynee," not "Cheeney"---about her political aspirations. Then we'll talk more politics with Mary Cheney---who pronounces her last name "Chesterfield"---about what it's like to be gay...which she pronounces "Gah-yee." And finally, wife Lynn Cheney---who now goes by a series of clicking sounds followed by an armpit fart---will be along to do her impression of Zell Miller, who now pronounces his name Tab Hunter. Cheeney, Cheney, Chesterfield, and [Click Click Click Frrrrrppp!]...tonight on Hardball!
Watch yer back, Stewart.
Oh, Spedwybabs will be posting a C&J performace review in the diaries this morning. Feel free to pile on---I'm wearing my titanium Underoos. See ya next month! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
I have it under good authority that the Cheers and Jeers interior smells like, and this is a direct quote, "foot and ass".
---Kossack Buckeye BattleCry
9/28/09
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