Dear Conservatives:
You caught us.
I suppose it's time to come clean. We've kept up the charade for long enough. We liberals have decided to turn America into a Socialist nightmate-state. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you durn kids and your teabagging.
It was a two part operation begun in the early stages of the Bush administration. The first step was to change the definition of "socialism". You see, to turn America into a socialist country under the traditional definition would be almost impossible. The government would have to take possession of the means of industrial production, for one. Think about that for a moment: how can our government take control of the means of production, when the means of production happen to be located in china and Mexico?
Socialism also means that everyone gets an equal cut, and with the American constitution being the way it is about property rights, that would be almost impossible without completely disregarding the constitution and our entire system of government altogether. Because it was so hard, we decided to bring our evil, nefarious goal closer in order to make it more easily attainable.
Here's BIG SECRET number one: we've moved the concepts of "socialism", "Marxism", "Stalinism", "Communism", and "Fascism" (which all mean the same thing now), to a place that falls just to the left of exactly wherever we happen to be at the moment. This makes it lots easier to turn America into a socialist hell on earth.
For instance: with his push for universal health insurance, far higher tax rates, and focus on customer protections, venerable Nixon was more than liberal enough to qualify as a socialist under our current definitions. Under this new definition, if Obama turns off a light before leaving the room- which conserves electricity and is therefore liberal, he has become a socialist dictator. We have the power to destroy the freedom of Americans with the flip of a switch. MuaHaHaHa!(twirling mustache)
Now that's pretty evil, but BIG SECRET number 2 is even worse. You'll never see it coming. You know how we're going to take over health care, take away your doctor, and make you wait 16 months for that broken leg? We're not actually going to do anything like that. That's a diversion.
While you guys are panicking about how the health care bill does not specifically prevent IRS black ops agents from deploying sniper teams to take out schoolchildren before they can get check ups, we're doing something secret- making it so insurance agencies have to drop rates, making it harder for them to behave unethically, and making health plans that are cheap enough for anyone to have insurance if they want it, public or private.
Imagine this scenario: you're at work a few years from now, and HR is talking about your plan options, there's the private plan, which has good coverage for 120 a paycheck, or the public one that also has good coverage for 110. You might be tempted to choose the $110 option, and BANG- you're a socialist too. Just like us. You might start wanting to get gay married and buy a Prius.
BUT- if you choose the $120 option, BANG, you're still a socialist, because you're paying a lower rate because the private company had to lower their rate to compete.
You might choose neither, and do the true capitalist thing, and pay retail, but if you do we'll just get you with medicare when you retire. BANG! hahaha!
And you were worried about Obama-concentration camps for white Christians.
Suckers.
ps:
That birth certificate really is fake, it's a placemat we got at an Arby's. If you look closely, it says he was born at Bac'n'Cheddar Memorial Hospital. Joe Biden is really William Ayers in a rubber mask. The real Joe Biden was swallowed whole by Ann Coulter during her yearly feeding ritual several years ago. Also: Robert Gibbs has a cybernetic hand that shoots laser beams, but often forgets to charge it at night.
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