From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
"It's A Festivus Miracle!"
Today is Festivus. In accordance with tradition, I submit my 2009 list for the Airing of Grievances. The following have disappointed me over the past year:
>> President Obama, for not enacting my agenda fast enough.
>> Olympia Snowe, for hanging up when history called.
>> John McCain and Sarah Palin, for being the whiniest losing presidential ticket ever.
>> The traditional media, for another year of quoting politicians, "experts" and spokespeople without asking the fundamental question: "Are they speaking the truth, or am I being played for a sucker?" Too many times the answer is: Like a Tootsie Pop.
>> Whoever felt it was necessary to take from us this year: Walter Cronkite, Ted Kennedy, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Bea Arthur, Michael Jackson, Corazon Aquino, Henry Gibson, Mary Travers, Farrah Fawcett, John Hughes, Andrew Wyeth, and our 21 year-old cat.
>> Teabaggers, for achieving with ignorance and venom in the public square what a two-year-old achieves with creamed corn in his diaper.
>> Family values titans Tiger Woods, John Ensign and Mark Sanford, for thinking with the wrong head.
>> Credit card companies that skirt new federal regulations and charge 80 percent interest.
>> Joe Lieberman, walking proof that backstabbers and liars do, indeed, prosper. Remember that, kids!
>> Dick Cheney, for not going fishing more often.
>> Wall Street barons, for returning to their greedy, greedy ways and not even having the decency to pick the confetti out of their hair and the caviar out of their teeth before they tell us how grateful they are to us for bailing them out.
>> Compromises that seem to only extract concessions from the left.
>> The 53 percent of Maine voters who repealed our gay marriage law and proved that we are, in fact, a "live and let live" state.
>> All the two-faced "concernvative" citizens and pundits who are nitpicking things Obama is doing that Bush also did but they never nitpicked him for those things, did they? Noooooooooo, they most certainly did .
>> God, for not coming down here and straightening out this mess of a planet. She's dating another universe, isn’t she?
To them I say...
"I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!"
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Note: Here's the schedule for the rest of the week:
Tomorrow EVENING Join us around 8pm EST for A Very Special C&J Christmas Eve Bean Supper and Nudeblogging
Friday: A Very Special Day Off
And next week: A Very Special Look Back at 2009---in 3D!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: 26
Days `til the London International Mime Festival: 21
Percent chance that 12/23 is one of the three deadliest days of the year for pedestrians: 100%
Rank of NCIS: Los Angeles, The Good Wife and V among top new TV series in 2009: #1, #2, #3
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
Chart positions of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and White Christmas on this date in 1952: #1, #2, #3
Number of residents in Bethlehem, and the number of tourists who go there for Christmas: 32,000 / 30,000
Minimum weight of the gingerbread White House: 400 pounds
(Source: The real White House)
Mid-week Rapture Index: 169 (including 1 "Supernatural" and 1 smart-thinkin Savior). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Julia Child would approve...
CHEERS to a little holiday carol to start us off, with apologies to the dude who wrote Silent Night:
Silent morn, hungover morn
Don’t you dare say "health care."
Flame war diaries make me see red
Read the comments, they'll fill you with dread
Hear my primordial screee-eeeeam.
Hear my primordial scream.
I hope you liked the accordion solo.
JEERS to the oppressed majority. Oh, the life of the modern-day conservative Christian. I don’t know how they muddle through, having to put up with those nasty "others" who believe in a different set of spiritual values or---gasp!---none at all. And especially at Christmastime! Seriously, the people who listen to Bill O'Reilly and take up arms in the perpetual "War on Christmas" seem to be equal parts paranoia, insecurity, pettiness, revisionist history and victimhood, all wrapped up in threats of horrific violence and suffering against people who don’t believe as they do. Here are a couple precious harrumphs from the letters section of this morning's Portland Press Herald:
In my travels, I have seen many beautiful light displays, not so beautiful inflated snowmen and reindeer and plenty of candy cane lights. You know what I haven't seen? I haven't seen any Nativity scenes. We have forgotten Jesus in our rush to be politically correct and to not offend anyone. Well, I say if you are ashamed of Jesus, then when it's your time to face him, he will be ashamed of you.
Why is it that it is always the believers who end up getting all our freedoms taken from us? Our system of freedom is slowly becoming a thing of the past, because some people do not believe in what the neighbors do, or don't agree with their way of worship; all a sudden my freedom to set up a creche in my yard, or saying Merry Christmas is no longer tolerated. Excuse me, but why is it fair to always end up at the bottom because I care to believe in God? I tolerate non-believers in what they want to do because I think that's the way one should live in a free world. So please don't tell what I can say or do pertaining to Easter or Christmas, as I will completely ignore those who like to complain about everything [by writing an angry letter complaining about them and then, in my next sentence, damning them to hell. ---BiPM.]. Just in case there is a God that they don't believe in, they should be ready for a rough and hot landing at life's end. Merry Christmas to one and all.
Yes, Merry Christmas to one and all...even you folks who are going to end up writhing on Satan's rotisserie for all eternity. That's the spirit!
CHEERS to the great tales. On this date in 1823, The Night Before Christmas---which was originally called Account of a Visit From St. Nicholas---was published for the first time in the Troy Sentinel (see it here). It's a great story and all...but what the hell is a `down of a thistle?' Sounds like something a proctologist should take a look at.
DOUBLE CHEERS to people who work on Christmas eve and Christmas day. Police, fire, medical, electric, national security, rum distilleries...you know who you are. If you're not getting at least double pay and comp time, your employer should get a one-way ticket to a quail-hunting junket with Dick Cheney. (Or at least a one-way trip to Dallas to scoop dog poop with Dubya...or is that too cruel?)
CHEERS to famous first lines. On December 23, 1776, Thomas Paine wrote: These are the times that try men's souls. We'll file that under "No shit, Sherlock."
CHEERS to slamming the door on stupid. George Tiller's killer got his request to use the "necessity defense" denied yesterday. So I guess they'll just have to go with the "You no defense, you horrifically misguided right-wing wacko who's not insane because you knew exactly what you were doing so don't even think of using that defense either" defense. Good luck!
JEERS to ye jolly old fireball. We pulled this nugget off the Internets so it must be true: "To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously." And yet...Santa make his 822 visits per second, and travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, and he deliver his gifts in one night, and he has self-combusted. In fact, he's regularly tracked by NORAD. So someone owes Santa---and the world---an apology. How do I lodge a complaint with the internet?
CHEERS to great breakthroughs. On December 23, 1947, John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain and William Shockley invented the transistor in New Jersey (and later won the Nobel Prize in physics for their feat). It originally was a relatively big old thing, but today they're as small as a molecule. To put that in perspective, it's the equivilent of all the good Republican ideas for dealing with the recession, climate change and healthcare reform combined. Yeah... small.
Five years ago in C&J: December 23, 2004
CHEERS to finally winning a recount. Looks like Democrat Christine Gregoire squeaked out a win in the Washington governor's race. The margin of victory---8 butt hairs. In the shredder today: photos from Republican loser Dino Rossi's premature victory party. Hahahaha!!!
JEERS to "streamlining." That's what the Bush administration is calling its new rule giving the U.S. Forest Service virtual carte blanche to allow drilling and logging in federal forests and grasslands. The understatement of the year: "Commercial foresters and timber industry representatives were generally pleased by the announcement." The same way people are "generally pleased" when they win the lottery.
And just one more...
JEERS and CHEERS to a tale of two snowbound cities. Y'know, record-setting blizzards don’t hit places like Washington, D.C. very often, and when they do you can expect people to go out and have fun in the snow. You probably heard about the Twitter-fueled snowball fight in Washington, D.C. that was cut short when some cops arrived and drew their frigging guns (an investigation is underway). But a few miles north, in Times Square, another snowball fight broke out---at 1am, no less---and this one was sheer giddy glee. Freelance photographer Doug Kim captured the merry mayhem and produced a series of black-and-white photos (link via LurkerBG) that evoke such a sense of nostalgia that they feel like they could've leapt off of Norman Rockwell's canvas. Doug adds:
This little event on Saturday night was recorded in a handful of images, no longer in total time than a fraction of a second. These photos succeed because they speak to all of you, whether you’re in your own foot of snow or somewhere where the sun is still blazing. If I can capture an image that becomes a trigger to make people think, feel, or remind them of something, then I have done my job.
I can't stop grinning. So mission accomplished.
Oh, and if you're heading off to Grandma's, safe travels to you...whatever your mode of transportation might be. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine is traditionally depicted wearing a red bishop's cloak, and is often helped by a small orphan boy, according to some legends.