In a breaking story still emerging, President Barack Obama has announced the nomination of Jesus Christ of Nazareth to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court to replace the retiring justice David Souter.
Republicans hastily called a press conference to announce outrage at the selection, and an immediate filibuster.
Here was the initial story from the A.P.
Obama to nominate Jesus Christ to Replace Souter
Friday, May 1st, 1:22pm Ass-ociated Press
WASHINGTON -- In a hastily called West Wing press conference, President Barack Obama announced that he would be nominating Jesus Christ of Nazareth to replace the retiring David Souter on the Supreme Court. "I'm confident that I'd found a candidate known for wisdom, humility, affinity for all human beings, and a solid sense of justice," Obama said, with Jesus standing quietly next to him in meditative repose. "I'm also confident that I've found a candidate all congressmen, republicans and democrats, can agree would make a valuable addition to the court" Obama continued, as Jesus blessed the wine. Picking such a globally revered figure, and the founder of Christianity, was a bold move by Obama that some experts said would force republicans to offer their support. But by early afternoon, the republican response had yet to take shape.
You'd think nominating the globally respected philosopher, religious icon and founder of Christianity, Jesus Christ, would go over well with republicans. You'd be wrong.
"This is yet another example of a liberal president nominating a liberal, without any consultation with the republican party on his selection." Newt Gingrich responded at a hastily called press conference from the bedside of his cancer ridden dying wife, whom he's divorcing. Convicted Felon Tom Delay agreed, continuing Gingrich's line of attack in a solo appearance on Meet The Press. "The President assumes that just because we invoke Jesus's name while justifying violent torture, starting horrible wars and letting millions of children go without health insurance, that we're an automatic vote for Jesus. Not this time, Mr. President!" Delay snapped. David Gregory followed up with questions about how his hair looked, then booked Delay for the next seven consecutive Meet the Presses
By the early afternoon, republican opposition to the nomination had begun to take shape, as Fox News unveiled a two hour special, Jesus Christ: What you Didn't Know.:
"What do we really know about this 'Jesus of Nazareth,' if that is his real name. Some say he spends time with prostitutes!" said Sean Hannity in the opening intro, which featured ominous music over still-frames of the young Jesus. "He's from the middle east. Could he have associations with terrorism that we don't yet know about?"
Later, on The O'Reilly Factor, Bill O'Reilly continued the argument. "I don't see how any patriotic American can support this nomination. The guy was a carpenter, gimmie a break! Who are we gonna nominate next? Harrison Ford? I call on all patriotic Americans to join me in this war on Christ!"
Eric Cantor responded by press release:
"I speak for all Jewish republicans in congress, currently only me, when I say that I am deeply troubled and concerned that Jesus Christ is so obviously and clearly Christian. Even his last name suggests a bias that our Supreme Court should not have. The republican party is not simply a party of white Christians, even though the liberal media wants you to believe that. There's also me. The white Jewish guy." Cantor's statement read.
And four hours later, Cantor released a second press release:
I have just been informed that Jesus Christ is actually Jewish. But I must remain opposed to this nomination. This is not because I'm a partisan hack who reflexively votes against anything done by the democrats, and then searches for a justification. It's because Jesus Christ has murky middle eastern origins, palls around with prostitutes, and may or may not have committed an act of terrorism at a Sunday pot luck dinner being held inside a church."
Head of the RNC, Michael Steele, then chimed in:
"I'm cool with it, bros. Jesus is my homeboy."
And again, two hours later:
"I soundly reject the nomination of this so-called "community organizer" to the Supreme Court, and never said otherwise. If you play my quotes back to show I'm a hypocrite, it won't matter, since the few remaining republican voters don't know how to use the internet."
By the evening, things had spun completely out of control, as Fox News began to "report" on so-called "Crucifixion Parties," in which right wing reactionary protesters marched with signs that read "Sit on my court? I'll nail you to it!" and "Judge not, lest ye be lynched!"
In his forty-third appearance on cable news, Bill Kristol had the following to say:
"People think the republican party doesn't want to work with democrats on this nomination. We do. Believe me, the last thing we want to do is filibuster. We just want a candidate who more reflects the core values of the republican party. Like Idi Amin. Or Pol Pot."
CNN's Wolf Blitzer summed up the debate with the following report on The Situation Room:
"The democrats argue they're nominating a figure that republicans have long invoked as the core of their world view, and that therefore it is ridiculous for republicans to filibuster. A republican press release, just issued to CNN, responds by saying, and I'm quoting, 'OINKY WINKY DINKY DOO!!' Is that gibberish or not? It's not for me to say. My hair is silver."