From the GREAT PLANET OITH...
Ten Things I Pledge to Do Today for the Blue Planet
>> Go into a field full of methane-emitting cows and/or tea partiers and cork them.
>> Turn off my car's ignition after I've parked it in the garage, instead of leaving it running like I normally do so I can make a fast getaway on the day the demons finally escape from the attic.
>> Rent a helicopter (that runs on used cooking oil!) and airdrop thousands of plastic recycle bins over Portland to create awareness of this important issue.
>> Create "teachable moments" throughout the day by pointing at people drinking out of plastic water bottles and yelling into a bullhorn, "Resource-sucking energy whore!!!"
>> Insert Breathe Right nasal strips inside my nostrils so that I actually breathe less.
>> Start a coral reef in the bathtub for eventual relocation to the coast of Australia.
>> Harness solar power by using nothing but the sun and a magnifying glass to light my joint.
>> Combine bicycling and public transportation by attaching a grappling hook to the back of a metro bus and having it tow me and my Schwinn into town.
>> Practice water conservation with two everyday objects: a chamber pot and an open window.
>> And hit myself repeatedly in the face with a two-by-four while blindfolded so I can get a sense of Earth Day from the perspective of a climate-change denier.
How 'bout you?
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 22, 2010
Note: I've decided to change what my last words are gonna be. Instead of "Don’t forget to freeze my head," I instead plan on whispering: "I buried the twenty million in the...in the...in the..." and just keep doing that until I croak so I can go out the way I came in: an annoying little prick. But I'll pin the message "Don’t forget to freeze my head" on my shirt so they don’t forget. (They probably will anyway...)
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Himmelfahrt: 21
Days `til the 37th annual Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival at the Howard County Fairgrounds: 9
Year of the first Earth Day: 1970
Number of plastic bottles that make up the boat "Plastiki," which environmentalist David de Rothschild plans to sail across the Pacific Ocean to raise awareness for recycling: 12,000
Diameter of the giant mass of plastic garbage in the Pacific: 1,000 miles
(Source: Bloomberg News)
Amount George Washington currently owes the New York Society Library in overdue fees on two books: $300,000
(Source: Baltimore Sun)
Value of the word "Eyjafjallajökull" in Scrabble: 47
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
My term in N.Y. City is also passing, to my glee. I have just been named the Rocky Mountain Bureau Chief of the New York Times. Reason I am chief is on account there ain't nobody else at the bureau. There will be NO fucking morale problems in MY bureau. I get to cover New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana and both Dakotas. I keep wandering around the city room with the tactless grin pasted on my kisser, saying, "I'm leaving. Bye."
This here move is considered very big on the Times's part because it has become known that I have a Bad Attitude. I believe [my former headmaster at St. John's School in Houston] Mr. Chidsey was the first to note the fact. Much passes, little changes. I am specifically charged with A) walking around the city room in my bare feet B) laughing too loud C) not dressing right D) making fun of editors E) showing insufficient enthusiasm for the Times and all its wonders and F) just generally coming on too strong. What can I tell you? As Gary Trudeau once wrote: Guilty, guilty, guilty.
---September, 1977 letter to a friend in Austin, excerpted from Molly Ivins: A Rebel Life by Bill Minutaglio and W. Michael Smith. Molly's rocky tenure with the Times lasted from '76 to '80.
Puppy Pic of the Day: What the teabaggers and birthers and gun nuts and homophobes and racists and secessionists need ASAP.
CHEERS to power pickin', pluckin' and plinckin'. "I worked hard to make hit records and I'm damn well gonna play 'em!" Last night at Portland's Merrill Auditorium, Vince Gill and his nine-piece band---none of 'em under 50 (Vince just turned 54)---took the stage and proceeded to unleash over two hours of high-octane country virtuosity that would've left musicians half their age beggin' for mercy. At the helm of the endeavor and backing Vince up on keyboards: music director and Grammy-winning Kossack John Hobbs who, along with Kossack Land of Enchantment send their best to the C&J splashers. (BREAKING: I've been authorized to reveal that they're an item---woo hoo!---and they make a lovely couple.) Special shoutout to bass player David Hungate, whose dad, Congressman William Hungate, authored one of the articles of impeachment against Richard Nixon. You, sir...are now family.
JEERS to not passing the straight-face test. President Obama said yesterday that his Supreme Court nominee won't have to pass a litmus test over abortion. He was then immediately whisked to a hospital where he was treated for a severe case of "wink-wink."
CHEERS to GM. They want to pay back the money they owe the government---five years early. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner issued a brief statement:
"Sorry, GM, but as you know this a socialist takeover of your company by the federal government. We your ass. After you kiss my ring, President Obama expects you to kiss his, but not before he's done conferring with his Kenyan advisors on how to gobble up the appliance industry.
Nahhhhhh, just messin' with your head, man!!! You shoulda seen the look on your faces! Oh...mah...gah! That old socialist takeover routine never gets old. But seriously, we take Visa, MasterCard, American Express and personal checks...with two forms of ID, of course..."
He's a kidduh, that one. And moving right along...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. In March of 2009, Free Republic (and the entire spectrum of right-wing blogs, magazines, radio shows, newspapers and TV networks) shrieked: Are Obama And Rahm Emanuel Preparing Us For Nationalization Of General Motors?
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
WHOOPS to moralizing yourself out of business. Sharp writing from Petula Dvorak at the Washington Post. File this under Business 101 Fail:
The Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy in Chantilly proudly and purposefully limited what it would stock on its shelves. But it turns out that no birth control pills, no condoms, no porn, no tobacco and even no makeup added up to one thing:
The self-described "pro-life" pharmacy went out of business last month, less than two years after it opened to great fanfare, with a Catholic priest sprinkling holy water on the strip-mall store tucked between an Asian supermarket and a scuba shop.
No word on whether he returned for last rites.
JEERS to God's currency. 146 years ago today, on April 22, 1864, Congress took a bold stand for the separation of church and state by passing an act that required "In God We Trust" to be stamped on all our coins. Actually, we'd prefer to see it changed to reflect the book title by the late author Jean Shepard: In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash. That's change I can believe in.
JEERS to ranchero redeploymento. Former---repeat, former---president George W. Bush doesn’t go to his Crawford "ranch" much these days. He bought it as a photo-op prop when he was running to be the Dismantler-in-Chief ("Jus' call me 'Ol' Rough 'n Reagany'...on account 'o I have a ranch and so did he, which makes us both what ya call 'ranchers.' Now if y'all will excuse me, a'hm late for mah tee time at the country club."), and he's pretty much abandoned it since. The town is now back to its former sleepy self. Consider this the understatement of the day:
"Crawford has never really gained anything from him being president," said Bill Bregan, 69, a retired woodworker. "The only thing we got out of it was that bank."
We can relate. The only thing we got out of it was that war and that recession. Potato-Puhtahto.
(Conditional) CHEERS to Tricky Whatsizface. Speaking of ex-presidents who should've been put on trial, Richard "I am
not a crook" Nixon died sixteen years ago. Whoever chose the color of his headstone knew what they were doing. But we'll be kind to his memory today and remind ourselves that he was practically a bleeding-heart liberal compared to the frightening Republicans of today (the teabaggers would consider the EPA a communist threat, and his healthcare reform plan would be derided as a "grandma-killing scheme.")...and, lord knows, he had his moments of high comedy. Thanks a lot...Dick.
Five years ago in C&J: April 22, 2005
JEERS to sto...pand...gotraff...ic. The Institute of Transportation Engineers says that the traffic light system in most American cities really, really sucks. Poor timing of lights wastes gas and time, while increasing pollution. Doesn't affect us...we always thought they were more of a guide, anyway.
JEERS to fundy flyboys. Things have gotten ugly for Bible non-thumpers at the U.S. Air Force Academy since George W. Bush turned America into a theocracy. Jewish and atheist cadets are being harassed with slurs like "filthy Jew". The Air Force's remedy: a "tolerance class" that lasts less than an hour. Whew...and we thought they wouldn't treat it seriously.
And just one more...
CHEERS to the Hypocrite Slayers. Today is the blogiversary of Americablog. The folks who started out with the highly-effective campaign to Stop Dr. Laura went on to expose fake White House "reporter" Jeff Gannon/James Guckert's prostitution past---not to mention scads of other Republican- and corporation-fueled shenanigans---seem to nestle themselves snugly between the snarky brevity of Atrios and the lengthier analysis of DKos. They're always one of C&J's daily "must-read" blogs and we wish them many more years in the pursuit of truth, justice and orchids, orchids, orchids!
P.S. If you follow GLBT issues, their new spin-off site is one you might want to add to your favorites: Americablog Gay. C&J gives it---what else?---two snaps and a twist.
Have a nice---Jeez-o-pete, is it Thursday already???---Thursday. Don't be rude. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Cheers and Jeers may not offer the big mental boost many were hoping for, suggests new research, but brain scientists and splashers don't all agree on the findings.