I have used a bank many times. I have a checking account and a savings account (although I do admit I haven't added anything to my savings account for the past fifteen years since my pay has been frozen.) Nevertheless, the fact that I have made deposits, written checks, and I understand in theory the concept of a savings account makes me uniquely qualified to reorganize your operations.
Our country is at a crossroads. What we do now will determine the future for our children. I'm sure you want to do what's best for our future, right? We are in a Race to the Top. From now on, we need for all banks to do their part in winning that future. I've seen how you do things from my place in line, and frankly it's not good enough. I have noticed that there are many bad bank tellers who simply aren't cutting it in my opinion. Many times when I've been standing in line, there are empty teller stations not even open. I see you bankers taking lunches, a luxury we teachers had to forgo many years ago. I see you even getting bathroom breaks. What is that about?
Based on my vast experience of standing in line at the bank, I'm hereby declaring myself an expert of all financial institutions and their operations. In a program I will call NDLB (No Depositor Left Behind) all banks will from this day on be ranked and given a grade based on their average customer bank balance.
Grades will be posted weekly in every newspaper in the country, along with individual names of bankers who are underperforming. We will be asking suggestions from other people we find in the line at the bank in order to help you to make AYP (Adequate Yearly Progress.) If you fail to meet AYP, your bank will be rated as failing and will undergo sanctions.
In order to win the future, it is my belief as a self-stated expert that ALL depositors must hit certain benchmarks by 2014. Your bank will be monitored for progress towards these goals.
Here are the benchmarks:
By 2011, 60% of your depositors must have at least $100,000 in their savings accounts.
By 2012, 75% of your depositors must have at least $500,000 in their savings accounts.
By 2013, 90% of your depositors must have at least $750,000 in their savings accounts.
By 2014, 100% of your depositors must have at least $1,000,000 in their savings accounts.
We believe these are reasonable benchmarks that will ensure all depositors our constitutional right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We the people standing in line at the bank reserve the right to increase these benchmarks any time we feel we don't have enough money.
If you fail to meet these benchmarks your bank will undergo sanctions including, but not limited to:
Having your failing grade posted in the newspaper along with directions to the nearest successful bank.
Cutting the number of workers in your bank in half and doubling the workload for everyone else who is left.
Meeting every Thursday before the bank opens with experts randomly chosen from the drive through line to discuss any data about why your bank is underperforming.
Closing underperforming banks and reopening them with better performing workers from successful banks that have hit the benchmarks (or people we find in line at the unemployment line), whichever we find easier.
A percentage of the banks' deposits will be set aside for randomly chosen experts to meet to figure out how the heck to get your depositors to their benchmarks. Since we anticipate that will be a very difficult job, we experts may have to meet in places like Hawaii where it is a known fact that it's easier to think.
This is not meant in any way to be punitive. We realize that in some areas of the country it will be tough to get your depositors to the stated benchmarks due to unemployment, and poverty. But we must stress that there are no excuses. We believe in you as bankers and we believe in depositors' innate ability to grow their bank accounts. No matter how tough it gets, you must remember that our future is at stake. This is for the pride of our country. It is simply unacceptable to let America's depositors fall behind depositors in other countries. We know you will join everyone in happily doing your part to win that future.
In order to get this new plan up and running, we will have to freeze your pay (and bonuses) for the next fifteen years. You will also be giving eight to ten days of your wages each year to help meet the new benchmarks. We have tried these methods with teachers and it's worked pretty well for the past several years to help balance the state budgets. We are now ready to expand these methods to other professions. I'm sure you would agree that you want to do everything in your power to meet these benchmarks for the sake of our future and our children.