Listen, we ladies have been trying to tell you this shit for years and years, but you don't seem to fucking listen, causing my ass to chap needlessly and incessantly, and my mouth to froth much more than usual.
I'll just spit it out, because it has been bothering me all friggin' day:
STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR DICKS AND SENDING THEM TO PEOPLE!
I mean, Jesus H. Christ for breakfast, when the hell are you ever gonna learn?! Will this "Weinergate" thing finally teach you? Any gay man or straight woman accustomed to internet dating has been the unfortunate recipient of the dreaded cock shot. And I am totally cool with you taking pictures of your junk and sending them to your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your partner or your "roommate" or whatever, but with someone you just met?
Really? REALLY?! Hey! Wanna see a photo of my belly button lint, too?!
Why the fucking hell would you do stupid shit like that? I am honestly curious because, no matter how many times we tell you not to, you go ahead and do it anyway and then your penis winds up going viral and suddenly people are clamoring to find out what you know and when you knew it.
Seriously, what is your damage with this?! Speaking only for myself here, dicks are kind of
ugly weird. And I do admit to being turned on by them on occasion and stuff, but only after I actually know the guy who has the penis. I don't just immediately want to sleep with a penis because it's a penis. I want to sleep with a man I like, who just so happens to have a penis.
I don't see two eyes, a nose, and a mouth on some random cock and get all hot and bothered. Just doesn't do it for me.
So. Regardless of whether or not it's Rep. Anthony Weiner's schlong in the gray underwear, let this be the final lesson to you all. FUCKING QUIT THAT!
Thank you. /bows
Update: For those confused about why I would write this, please see this article from Salon. That's what inspired the rant.
Being single sucks.