For the past, I'm gonna say, like 12, 13 years, Fox News and I have been having kind of a fun, light-hearted, and I think extremely productive conversation about which one of us is the bigger asshole. They, perhaps not surprisingly, believe it is me. Whereas I have taken a different approach, and tend to lean towards the idea it is perhaps them. As of now, we have agreed to respectfully disagree.
But over the past 4 days, I believe Fox has begun what appears to be their closing arguments.
ALISYN CAMEROTA: Jon Stewart says he's both liberal and fair. Is he really?
MALE VOICE AT FOX NEWS: Did Jon Stewart mock Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain because he's a black man?
MALE VOICE AT FOX NEWS: A closer look at why the comedian gets away with his one-sided attacks.
FEMALE VOICE AT FOX NEWS: Jon Stewart needs a lesson on truth-telling.
JON SCOTT: Why is Jon Stewart in denial about his liberal leanings?
JUAN WILLIAMS: Herman Cain says comedian Jon Stewart was mocking him.
STEVE DOOCY: Here is an example of Jon Stewart's bias.
FEMALE VOICE AT FOX NEWS: Jon Stewart gives his view from the left, but can't admit he's a liberal mouthpiece.
MALE VOICE AT FOX NEWS: Herman Cain on his feud with political jester Jon Stewart.
BERNIE GOLDBERG: Jon Stewart breaks into his Amos 'n' Andy routine to mock Herman Cain.
MALE VOICE AT FOX NEWS: Jon Stewart tries to disguise his true liberal bias.
BRIAN KILMEADE: Jon Stewart says he's both liberal and he's fair. Let's see how that's working out.
I guess everyone got the memo. You wanna bring your whole network to throw down? You wanna go channel 44 versus channel 45? Obviously that's the channel configuration of TimeWarner Cable in the New York area, your local listings of where Comedy Central and Fox are probably would be a more accurate representation of the fight. Of course, HD is a completely different situation.
My point is, you don't think I got peeps? You don't think I roll deep? CC rolls deep, yo! Yo, check this shit out! Yeah, yeah, yeah! (takes out phone) Comedy Central, get me Kröd Mändoon. That's right, mutha....
(listens to phone) Really? Cancelled? When was that cancelled? He's our only guy with a sword, though. How am I gonna....? That show was like our Game of Thrones, it was ahead of its time, there was a lot of....
Well, all right, fine! I'll handle it myself. Everybody at Fox is real mad about this Herman Cain joke.
6/9/2011:
Candidate Herman Cain offers real solutions to fictional issues.
HERMAN CAIN (6/6/2011): Don't try to pass a 2,700 page bill. ... You and I didn't have time to read it. We're too busy trying to live. Send our kids to school. That's why I'm going to only allow small bills. Three pages. ... You'll have time to read that one over the dinner table.
(in black voice) Bills will be three pages! If I am President, treaties will have to fit on the back of a cereal box! From now on, the State of the Union address will be delivered in the form of a fortune cookie! I am Herman Cain, and I do not like to read.
Now they thought that that was an offensive joke. They thought that that was an offensive Amos 'n' Andy brogue, and that their news guys would get fired if they did a voice like that. Although to be fair, I did get into that story using a wheel with a dildo nailed to it, which I would imagine would likely get them fired as well.
I just don't see them using a dildo wheel.
The point is this. They thought that I was singling out Herman Cain using an offensive voice, not because I always use offensive caricatured voices and I thought the three-page bill idea was silly, but because they suggested because Herman Cain is black, and more importantly, conservative.
Well, if my ridicule of silly things using bizarre caricatured voices has given Fox what appears to be several days of very strong programming, yo' cup's about to runneth over, muthafucka! Grab a knife and fork, Fox, cuz I have turned my crack research team on myself, in a brand new segment called....
I thought we were going to run these titles by me.
All right, well anyway, prepare for tomorrow's Huffington Post headline, "STEWART EVISCERATES STEWART!" Roll 212!
(in old Jewish man accent) On the eighth day of Tishri, they thought there was only enough hope for three days.
(in Brooklyn accent) When you invite an important visitor to our house, to our town, and eat your pizza with a fucking fork right in front of us...
(in German accent) I vant to bless the children! You will not deny God's love!
(in Queens accent) ... the balls, the giant fucking gagoons hanging off of this man!
(in French accent) So, these are the famous Bush twins.
(in Arab accent) Oh, I'm so short, Barack, could you lean over?
(in French accent) Bernard-Henri Lévy
(in old Jewish woman accent) Anthony, go inside, and if you come back out, wear a long jacket!
(in redneck accent) All right, boys, you know the rules!
(in retarded accent) I don't remember anything! I like to eat cheese!
(in Italian accent) A steam-ah da Cleveland. Wha?
(in Scottish accent) You can take our hoses, but you'll never take... our rakes!
(in British accent) Would that be 9 meters, guv'nah?
(in Jihad accent) Alalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!!
(in Russian accent) No, I'm not spy, just asshole with summer home.
(in Mexican accent) EZ Pass? We don't need no stinkin' EZ Pass!
(in Maine accent) You can't get there from queer.
(in monocled accent) Ohhh! The New York Review of Books!
LARRY MARCHANT: ... past midnight together in bars ...
(in gay Southern accent) That's when sex happens.
REP. CHARLIE RANGEL, D-NY: He wasn't going out with little boys.
(Charlie Rangel impression) You should see some of the shit I've done.
SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER, D-NY: ... better on the floor than in the Senate ...
(Chuck Schumer impression) Keeps getting better and better.
SEN. JOHN KERRY, D-MA: ... it's another to be certain than be right ...
(John Kerry impression) Am I right ladies?
(Joe Lieberman/Droopy impression) You two kiss while I watch.
(Bill Clinton impression) We're cool again, right?
(Al Gore impression) I'm real hungry.
(George W. Bush impression) Rules are rules, hehehehehe.
(Dick Cheney impression) Waaah. Waaah. Waaah.
(Ted Kennedy impression) Luis, I told you, I needed the driveway clean.
(sexy Barack Obama impression) C'mon baby, why don't you let Dr. O cover all your pre-existing conditions, baby?
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT: God damn America!
(Jeremiah Wright impression) God damn America! Have you lost weight?
BARACK OBAMA: ... some of the savings will come through less waste and more efficiency.
(Barack Obama impression) From now on, when we buy office supplies, we will join up with Canada and Mexico to look for deals on GroupOn.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG: Tonight, we celebrate.
(Michael Bloomberg impression) Wednesday, we go shopping!
(wild audience applause)
We'll be right back.
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