What a cruel world we live in.
I have created a nice little hell for myself.
I didn't work hard enough, and it's my fault.
I have an unhealthy obsession with politics, and while I obsess about things that are largely out of my control I have allowed my life to fall apart, and I have no one else to blame but myself.
It is my fault I do not have a job. It is my fault that I have four dollars to my name. It is my fault that the rent is due in 10 days and I have absolutely nothing. It is my fault that I have allowed things to get to this point.
I honestly do not know what the fuck I am doing anymore. I struggle to get basic shit done. I haven't dealt with my depression and it is crippling me. My opinions are meaningless when I can barely cope with basic things that everyone else deals with. Why should anyone give any credence to what I have to say when I can't even get my shit together. I wake up and there is nothing. I go to sleep and there is nothing. No dreams.
I struggle just to get out of the house sometimes. It's my fault. I have no motivation. I feel like I can't help myself. The other day I lost my only belt and I realized how pathetic that is, I don't even own a fucking belt and I have no way to get another one. You'd think that between being unable to pay the rent, buy groceries or get myself to a doctor to get my ear checked out losing a belt wouldn't bother me, but it really did. For some reason that belt was the last straw, it made me realize that I have totally wrecked my life up to this point, and yes, I have no one else to blame but myself.
This helpless feeling, that whatever it is I am doing I am doing it wrong, or not doing it at all, this helpless feeling when you are like a piece of trash out in the bay, just being thrown around by the tide with no control, I don't know how I ended up here, or perhaps I do and I don't care to face it, I don't know.
I don't know why I write this. Perhaps I need the catharsis of venting. Perhaps I am incapable of nothing else but self reflection at this point, I don't know. I used to be self sufficient. I used to be something else. What I have become I do not want to be, I want to change that for the better, but damned if I know how. One doesn't think properly on an empty stomach, and this damn ringing in my ear isn't helping.
I feel ashamed that even if I got a job interview I have no belt to wear, no way to buy a subway pass, no, I have let it come to this. I don't know how to pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. I used to, but I lost it. This is my low point, there is nowhere else to go but up, because I refuse to consider any act of deliberately harming myself, but through inaction I have harmed myself, and I've got to stop doing this to myself, beating myself up, letting myself become paralyzed and overwhelmed, but I don't know how to make the cycle stop.
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