Paul Ryan, the brains of modern conservatism. Also, you have to pay $15 to see him.
(Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)
Paul Ryan, the brains of modern conservatism. Also, you have to pay $15 to see him.
(Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)
Another day, another very important speech by a Republican leader in response to the unwashed masses camping in the streets demanding
fairness and
accountability and the like. This time it is child genius Paul Ryan, who will be speaking on Wednesday within the safe confines of the Heritage Foundation, so hopefully (unlike
Eric Cantor) he'll actually follow through with giving the speech, since only ideological soulmates will be allowed in the building. Let's see what Ryan's come up with,
shall we?
Oct. 26: Saving the American Idea: Rejecting Fear, Envy and the Politics of Division
The American commitment to equality of opportunity, economic liberty, and upward mobility, is not tried in days of prosperity. Instead, it is tested when times are tough – when fear and envy are used to divide Americans and further the interests of politicians and their cronies. In this major address at The Heritage Foundation, Congressman Paul Ryan will dissect the real class warfare – a class of governing elites, exploiting the politics of division to pick winners and losers in our economy and determine our destinies for us. In his remarks, Congressman Ryan will outline a principled, pro-growth alternative to this path of debt, doubt and decline.
Congressman Ryan represents Wisconsin’s First Congressional District and serves as Chairman of the House Budget Committee.
Oh my. It appears Wisconsin Republican Paul Ryan is going to lecture us about the politics of division. And more surprising, he seems to be against it, which is a hell of a thing for a caucus that has spent literally the entirety of Obama's term in office talking about "death panels," and greedy public workers, and those damn meddling unions, and the inherent suspiciousness of America's first non-lily-white president, and how the tea party was all that is good and wholesome about America, but the Occupy Wall Street protestors are scary and divisive and possibly communists.
Hell, you can't even alter the depreciation schedule of corporate aircraft without Republicans launching into accusations of rampant class warfare. (To be fair, the list of things that now represent "class warfare" is at this point too numerous to mention, and includes letting the Bush tax cuts expire as they were supposed to, or pointing out that the financial sector well and truly screwed up the economy only to return rather quickly themselves to times of high bonuses and booming profits, or calling any rich person a mean name, since the only people who you are allowed to call mean names are government workers, union workers, other workers, welfare recipients, non-Republican voters, non-tea-party activists, bloggers, nurses, doctors, lawyers, unemployed people, underemployed people, sick people, people who have made poor investment decisions, gay Americans, ethnic Americans, atheists, non-atheists who are insufficiently evangelical, pro-choice people, pro-infrastructure voters, Supreme Court justices who once played amateur softball, Hollywood types (except for other Hollywood types), George Soros, Warren Buffett, Medicare recipients, people who ride bicycles (Agenda 21!), environmentalists, climate scientists, every other kind of scientist, and Democrats.)
So now Paul Ryan is going to give us all a nice stern talking to about rejecting the politics of division, most specifically how "fear and envy" is being used to "divide Americans." This division is done, says the brilliant Paul Ryan, to "further the interests of politicians and their cronies," which would be a very, very awkward line of attack if Paul Ryan were actually a politician or a crony himself. Luckily, however, he is not. He is a deep thinker—nay, the very deepest thinker conservatism has to offer, or so other conservatives have informed me—and so is above such things.
I, for one, am interested in hearing about "the real class warfare." I wonder if it has to do with a party demanding more and more tax cuts for the rich, while simultaneously endorsing the deconstruction of 80 years worth of anti-poverty programs because we somehow can't possibly afford them now. No, wait: perhaps it is about a party whose current presidential frontrunner, despite rampant supposed anti-tax fever in his party, is proposing a new national sales tax to be levied against literally every product an American might buy, including all the basic necessities of life, which is about the most regressive tax plan you can possibly come up with.
What's that? It's not? Oh, the class warfare Paul Ryan will talk about is the class warfare of talking about class differences?
Oops, my bad.
Let's see, it says he will "dissect the real class warfare—a class of governing elites, exploiting the politics of division to pick winners and losers in our economy and determine our destinies for us." There is so much to unpack in that statement. Every phrase is bursting with meaning:
-
A class of governing elites: as opposed to career politician Paul Ryan, who I think we can all agree is most certainly not "elite" by any possible meaning of the word, and certainly goes out of his way to avoid governing?
-
Exploiting the politics of division: meaning Paul Ryan is, as of this moment, going to be proposing a vision of politics not based on division? A grand, conservative vision of everyone holding hands and no demonization of the opposition as grandma-killing ethnic-coddling money-grabbing socialists driven solely by fear and envy toward superior Americans?
-
To pick winners and losers in our economy: by singling out special industries for massive, economy-bending tax breaks? By demanding that workers in the public sector be given fewer rights than any others? By bailing out an entire sector of the American economy, rendering them "winners" at the expense of literally every other American, rendering them the "losers," then bristling with anger whenever anyone proposes even the most modest of regulatory reforms to prevent the same thing from happening again?
-
And determine our destinies for us: as in, whether or not we are allowed to live or required to die, in accordance with our ability to find private health insurance and their ability to reject our claims? As in, whether the government we depend on for countless daily functions will function, on any given day, or whether large sections of it will be shut down because some group of legislators needed to have an absolute shit-fit over some small, token part of it? As in, whether we will live the next decade in dismal unemployment, our entire economy and government held hostage towards gaining alterations in legislation and regulation that will benefit only miniscule, extremely well-off fractions of America?
No, I can hardly wait to hear the utopian vision Paul Ryan will outline, on Wednesday. To reject the politics of division seems bold and intellectualesque itself, but to propose a new, concrete alternative? That is double-bold, at least. Rejecting the political elites and their cronies and their politics of fear, rejecting the notion of pitting American against American for puerile political ends: this is truly going to be a speech for the ages. I do not think it unreasonable to expect that this next speech, from Paul Ryan, will be a game-changer and something to go in the history books. Between the bold new ideas and the take-that attitude toward the insufferable political elites, it may be something you later tell your grandchildren about.
I was there, you will say, your aged frame trembling slightly as you remember the power of the moment. I was there when Paul Ryan rejected the politics of fear and division, and ushered in a new American age of reasonableness and inclusiveness in front of a closed audience in a speech to a virulently far-right think tank after helping his Congress accomplish a legislative orgy of ultraconservative ideas coupled with ideological intransigence in the face of record unemployment and a long-suffering national economy.
Congressman Ryan will instead "outline a principled" (as opposed to unprincipled) "pro-growth" (as opposed to do-nothing, ideologically nihilistic economic sabotage) "alternative" (as opposed to the same old goddamn swear-inducing son-of-a-bitch bullshit notions spouted ad infinitum in the form of every single conservative "plan" proposed in the last 15 years, right down to identical turns of phrase, thus causing listeners throughout America to puncture their own eardrums rather than be forced to listen to the 230th iteration of the "new" idea that we've in fact been trying for that entire period and which hasn't worked once the whole time), and I have no doubt that it will be a vision bold and non-divisive and pro-every-American enough to put an end once and for all to these silly notions by the middle class that they have been soundly and thoroughly screwed by the wealthy, the corporate and their own elected officials.
Mark it on your calendar. If you can watch it on television (no word on whether the Heritage Revolution will be televised, but it will likely require at least a cable subscription), then do so. America is desperate, and I cannot wait to hear the bold new plan that Paul Ryan, conservative wunderkind and deep thinker of the highest caliber, career politician who is against political elites, creator of the budget plan that would replace one of the most successful government programs in existence with a monthly check and a note to figure it out your goddamn self from now on, has in store for us. I have no doubt his party will rally around his plan, and the wide swath of the American middle class will gasp in appreciation for how Paul Ryan really gets what they have been talking about, and I want to bear witness to the moment when he spells it all out for us.
Comments are closed on this story.