(Note: I've only transcribed the second segment wherein Jon makes his declaration of war. But you should watch the first segment first to see what leads up to it.)
Fox, you take for granted the ubiquity of Christmas. But if there has been a war, Christmas is the aggressor nation. Right now, every public space in the country looks like it got hit with a 500-lb. tinsel bomb. The White House looks like a Yuletide episode of Hoarders. Many of these displays are subsidized by -- ah, what's that thing you don't want to spend on anything -- taxpayer money!
You want a fight about something taking the Christ out of Christmas?
Whatever you think is the reason for the season, it does not involve Mariah Carey in a half a Santa suit presenting her ass to Justin Bieber like a horny bonobo.
And by the way, what if we all did go back to always calling them as Christmas trees and saying "Merry Christmas"? Would that make you happy?
STEVE DOOCY (11/30/2011): The good news is now some retailers are going back to using the word Christmas again. ... But are they just doing it to make a quick buck? And if so, you OK with that?
We can't win. "I mean, sure, they're saying Merry Christmas, but do they mean it? And the way we want them to mean it, like, you know, that Jesus is their Savior?"
And that is why tonight, I must make the hardest decision that any anchor of a fake news program has to make.
(audience hoots and hollers) They're unusually boisterous for an announcement of war.
My fellow Americans, tonight I humbly come before you to declare War on Christmas. We did not ask for this war, but neither will we shrink from it. It is said that we provoked these hostilities through our use of the phrase "Happy Holidays". This is a lie. That was a phrase borne not of aggression, but of convenience.
But as long as our enemies view the words "Happy Holidays", not as a lazy man's way to avoid the time-sucking double-holiday salutation "I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year", but rather as a subtextual "Fuck you and your Baby Jesus", THERE CAN BE NO PEACE!!
(in John F. Kennedy voice) We now ask that Christmas immediately and unilaterally withdraw to its pre-'67 borders. Pre-1667 borders.
(in Richard Nixon voice) Do this now.
That was my Nixon. No, no! You don't deserve my Nixon! (wild audience applause)
(in Ronald Reagan voice) Do this now, or face the full might of our secular multicultural society.
It's a world -- no, that's not a President -- it's a world where Christmas will have to share state house rotundas, not just with Jews, but with Hindus, Buddhists, wiccans, santeros, atheists....
And of course, Muslims.
We will fight until we live in a world where free Americans everywhere seek not validation of their religious beliefs through Macy's signage. Where non-sectarian greetings are not seen as diminishing the most ubiquitous two-month holiday emergence since Caligula's birthday party. Until that day, I wish you and your family in this season a happy and heartfelt, end of the fiscal fourth quarter.
(wild audience applause)
We'll be right back.
Jon then covered how Donald Trump would be moderating a GOP debate.
He then talked with Jonah Hill
Meanwhile, Stephen was indignant that Donald Trump is moderating a GOP debate, and Stephen wants in on the action.
He also has an idea
of how to get that U.S. drone back from Iran.
On Monday's show, both Jon and Stephen covered Herman Cain dropping out of the race.
Jon then had a great piece
on how fucked California is because of our ballot initiative process.
Stephen looked at how some conspiracy nuts
think the Denver International Airport is a symbol of the end times. And penises, sooooo many penises.
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