Newt: I sure wish my cowardly, shameful, weak, dishonest, America-hatin' opponents would be "relentlessly positive" like me! (Jeff Haynes/Reuters)
Oh god. Can't ... stop ... laughing.
This report from Huffington Post's Jon Ward—all about how "positive"
Newt Gingrich Saint Newt is staying, despite the ugly attacks from his opponents—is something right out of The Onion. Except that it's real.
Newt's entire strategy, apparently, is to trash the hell out of his opponents for trashing him, all the while pretending that he's not trashing them. How does that work, exactly? Here's a sample:
"I wish they would have the courage," Gingrich said of his opponents, "to have a campaign that would match ideas, and didn't see whose consultant could be the nastier or whose consultant could run the more clever destructive ad."
Ah, yes. His opponents are cowards for running negative ads. Calling them cowards? Totally positive.
"They ought to be ashamed of themselves," he said.
Nothing like shaming your opponents to really drive home that positive message.
"We have been relentlessly positive," he said in remarks to a large crowd in a Hy-Vee grocery cafe.
Sorry, make that a relentlessly positive message.
But then he asked voters to confront the other candidates by telling them their behavior is "unworthy of Iowa and it's unworthy of America."
Nothing says "relentlessly positive" like asking your supporters to tell your opponents how unworthy they are.
"My competitors have enough weaknesses that we could play all kinds of negative games. But you're not going to mobilize the country by cheap and negative campaigns," he said, adding, "Shame on them for not caring enough about America to be positive."
Ah, yes, the hypothetical attack. I would tell you exactly how much my opponents suck—which is a lot, believe me; we're talking incalculable suckitude—but I won't. 'Cause I'm staying positive. But, you know, shame on them for hating America.
He continued, "These guys just lie. It's truly frustrating to be an honest person trying to run a complicated campaign."
Here we have Martyr Newt. Let us take a moment to pity the poor guy, the only honest person in the race, wanting so badly to tell us how full of shit his opponents are. Except that he can't. Because he's staying "relentlessly positive."
Asked about his attack on his rivals' love for the country, Gingrich deadpanned, "I'm sure they love America some."
That? That right there is just pure, holiday spirit graciousness.
But at the end of the day, Newt wants us to know that his cowardly, shameful, weak, dishonest, America-hatin' opponents will not force him to go negative. No sir.
"They can't hit me with enough negative ads to make me go negative," he said.
Ah, Newt. Quite the "relentlessly positive" saint, isn't he? Bless his heart. Can you even imagine what he'd say if he did decide to go negative?