Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 14, 2011
Note: Due to not having any access to the internet this weekend, C&J will not appear Monday. Back on Tuesday with a Patriot's Day hangover after guzzling mimosas out of a tricorn hat.
-
By the Numbers:
Days, respectively, 'til Steve Carrel's last episode of The Office and Oprah's last day on the air: 14, 41
Days `til Free Comic Book Day: 23
Estimated cost of propping up failed banks in 2010: $24 billion
Projected cost of propping up failed banks between 2011-2015: $21 billion
(Source: FDIC)
Last time the S&P 500 had a quarter as good as the first quarter of 2011: 1998
(Source: CNBC)
Number of Starbucks stores within a 25-mile radius of Santa Fe Springs, California: 560
(Source: Businessinsider)
Rank of Sunday among days of the week during which internet-porn viewing is highest: #1
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Just to make Tax Day even more exciting than it usually is, we have been treated to a series of recent reports that the Internal Revenue Service is busy cracking down on poor folks, while letting an estimated 1 million rich folks and corporations move to Bermuda to avoid taxes.
I used to consider taxes among the most boring subjects on earth. My attitude was, "Just tell me how much I owe; please don't make me listen to the details." But taxes are kind of fascinating, in a slow car-wreck way, because you get to see how much the rich and especially big corporations have gamed the system in their favor.
---April, 2002
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Grilling season!
-
CHEERS to that hopey changey thing. Surpriiise!!! Instead of throwing progressives under the bus, President Obama pulled up in a stretch limo, invited us all inside, served up drinks and hors d'ouvres, and led us in a spirited version of America the Beautiful while backing over the Republican Ryan Plan (aka "Let's Just Make Shit Up and Lie About It") over and over. It seems to be a solidly Democratic plan that focuses on helping the little guy while calling on the rich to wedge a crowbar in their trust funds and pay a little more in taxes. RADICAL!!! If you get a chance, read this to yourself out loud. It may one day be worthy of etching into the future Obama Memorial:
The America I know is generous and compassionate. It’s a land of opportunity and optimism. Yes, we take responsibility for ourselves, but we also take responsibility for each other; for the country we want and the future that we share. We’re a nation that built a railroad across a continent and brought light to communities shrouded in darkness. We sent a generation to college on the GI Bill and we saved millions of seniors from poverty with Social Security and Medicare. We have led the world in scientific research and technological breakthroughs that have transformed millions of lives. That’s who we are. This is the America that I know. We don’t have to choose between a future of spiraling debt and one where we forfeit our investment in our people and our country. […]
Let me be absolutely clear: I will preserve these health care programs as a promise we make to each other in this society. I will not allow Medicare to become a voucher program that leaves seniors at the mercy of the insurance industry, with a shrinking benefit to pay for rising costs. I will not tell families with children who have disabilities that they have to fend for themselves. We will reform these programs, but we will not abandon the fundamental commitment this country has kept for generations. That includes, by the way, our commitment to Social Security.
I think that deserves a fist bump. Said FDR.
P.S. Oh, Nobel Prize-winning economist and liberal titan Paul Krugman…you had me at "Yay!"
JEERS to wandering off into the minefield. After watching the post-speech talking heads on the cable news networks immediately following the president's speech, I have a small piece of advice for Democratic members of Congress: when you're on TV being interviewed alongside a Republican, don’t turn and ask the Republican a question like, "Which do you prefer, tax breaks for millionaires or tax increases on seniors?" It sounds good, I know. But the Republican will spin your question around and hurl it back at you like a lightning bolt, leaving you standing there charred and smoldering. Republicans have mastered their talking points---they have memorized them and practiced them for hours and hours and hours. They are highly skilled in the art of the dodge, the lie and the weasel word. So, please, Dems: do not play the role of "interviewer" on the teevee against a Republican or you will get hurt. Leave the questions to the host. Except you, Anthony Weiner---you're in a class by yourself. (Though, really, winning every single debate with half your brain tied behind your back is a little show-offy…)
JEERS to wacko thespians. 146 years ago today, John Wilkes Booth put a derringer ball into Abe Lincoln's skull, snuffing out the life of a great (the greatest?) president. I've read on the prestigious internet that Booth was "the George Clooney of his day." With one small difference: George Clooney is slightly less likely than Booth to be an overzealous Confederate secret agent. Now tuck in your shirt and pay your respects. Oh, and if you're intrigued by the wild post-assassination goings-on, make a note that Robert Redford's new (and mostly well-received) movie, The Conspirator, opens tomorrow. Theatres will be getting into the spirit: for just 50 cents extra you can get your nachos supersized to four score and twenty.
JEERS to playing the "Mom! They're pickin' on me!" card. Oh Catholic hierarchy, you're so cute when you're consumed with phony outrage. Did you hear about the ad that Catholic League whiner Bill Donahue placed in The New York Times? He wants everyone to stop singling out abusive priests. I could not agree more. I say it's high time we focused on singling out abusive nuns for a change. And as soon as the body armor arrives, we're goin' straight for their rulers.
JEERS to getting sick. Or having your house burn down. Or any other potentially money-draining emergency situation you might encounter some day. Six years ago, in "the second major change in law to benefit business since Republicans increased their House and Senate majorities in [the 2004] elections," Congress passed the ridiculously-named and hotly criticized Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act---302-126. To the 73 Democrats who voted for it (including Maine's Mike Michaud), we wish you anniversary wedgies.
CHEERS to pissing off the wrong people. As we've seen time and time again recently in the Middle East, courage and anger can be a potent, transformative mix. And when it's coming from the women and the chitlins, look out:
“We will not be humiliated!” shouted some 2,000 women and children who blocked a main coastal road in northeastern Syria, where security forces and pro-government gunmen have cracked down on dissent in recent days. The protesters were demanding the release of hundreds of men who have been rounded up in the villages of Bayda and Beit Jnad.
"Yesterday they raided our home in Bayda and took away my father," said one of the protesters, a 21-year-old woman. "I’m not leaving here until they return him to us."
For as long as I can remember---going back at least to the 70's---Syria has been ruled by an iron-fisted authoritarian regime (see also: Egypt, Libya, etc.) and it seemed like nothing could dislodge the hardly-benevolent overlords, or even move them to enact meaningful reforms. Now the dictator Assad is reduced to calling the uprising "the work of a foreign conspiracy." No, you out-of-touch weasel. It's the work of a government that raids towns and throws innocent men in dungeons. And hell hath no fury like… Well… I guess you're finding out now, aren’t ya.
JEERS to smoke and mirrors. The House votes today on the 2011 budget. It magically reduces the deficit, don'tcha know. But, as with all things magic, it's an illusion:
[T]he measure would have little direct impact on the deficit through the Sept. 30 end of the fiscal year, according to the Congressional Budget Office, since about $8 billion in immediate domestic program cuts are more than outweighed by increases for the Pentagon and ongoing war costs.
Even David Blaine is going, "Wow, man. They should take their act to Vegas."
CHEERS to wurds. 183 yeers agow tooday, Noah Webster puhbilshed the fuhrst (frist??) Amarrican dikshunery. It hellpd peeple spull bettor. (Sorry about that...this is the one day of the year that we let our spellchecker have the keys to the liquor cabinet.)
-
Five years ago in C&J: April 14, 2006
JEERS to the Fox News All-Star Idiots. Brit Hume's roundtable gaggle, including Fred Barnes, Juan Williams and Bill Sammon, accused squeaky-clean federal prosecutor Patrick FitzGerald---who was hand-picked by Republicans to investigate the outing of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame---of being "self-righteous" and conducting "a left-wing" campaign against the president. Smell that? It's called desperation.
JEERS to fundy disappearing acts. One of the coolest guys on the planet, Bill Nye the Science Guy, offended the delicate sensibilities of some Bible-thumpers during a lecture he was giving at a Texas college. So they did what they typically do when they come face-to-face with facts: they just walked out. Bwok Bwok...
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to Journamalism 101: Not Usin' Yer Noggin' Edition. Here's a little lesson for our good friends over at the Associated Press and USA Today. How do you know when a press release saying that General Electric voluntarily gave back its $3.2 billion tax refund is a fake? The answer: when a press release says that General Electric voluntarily gave back its $3.2 billion tax refund! But congratulations on getting punk'd by US Uncut and The Yes Men, anyway. Here endeth the lesson. Here beginneth the tittering.
Have a boffo Thursday. Flounce like you mean it. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine: Being Beautiful Is 'Part of My Job'
---People
-
Comments are closed on this story.