From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Second-String Quartet
As final preparations are made heading into tomorrow night's Republican debate at the Mesa Arts Center (ironic location, given how badly Republicans want to kill the arts), here's a quick thumbnail sketch on each of the four candidates in the GOP race. Clip 'em out for easy reference and trade 'em with your friends!
Rick Santorum
Age: 53
Rent-a-mogul: Investment manager Foster Friess
Thinks he's running for: Pope
Central campaign theme: "Libertine men and scarlet women and ragtime, shameless music that'll drag your son, your daughter into the arms of the jungle animal instinct! Mass'teria!!!"
Base: Conservatives who admire the sincerity of his whackdoodle beliefs
Debate persona: Wally Cleaver meets Father Coughlin
Fun fact: His use of sweater vests caused a national non-spike in the use of sweater vests
Ron Paul
Age: 76
Rent-a-mogul: PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel
Thinks he's running for: the Walter Huston role in Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Central campaign theme: "There's nothing wrong with America that can't be cured with gold and bake sales."
Base: People who receive his liberal views through their left ear, his conservative views through their right ear, and in between is a lot of static.
Debate persona: Gepetto on a bad day
Fun fact: He's not available for leprechaun gigs at St. Patrick's Day parties this year, but 2013 is wide open.
Mitt Romney
Age: 64
Rent-a-mogul: Donald Trump
Thinks he's running for: Fifth head on Mount Rushmore
Central campaign theme: "I'm running for president, for Pete's sake!"
Base: the elusive and endangered species country clubbus Republicanus
Debate persona: love child of the Brady Bunch dad and Captain Queeg
Fun fact: Harper's Index says that 2 percent of Americans believe his middle name really is "Mittens." Well...isn't it?
Newt Gingrich
Age: 68
Rent-a-mogul: Gambling magnate Sheldon Adelson
Thinks he's running for: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen's seat
Central campaign theme: "Take a bath. Get a job. To the moon!"
Base: Georgia Republicans. And the current Mrs. Gingrich.
Debate persona: Poppin Fresh on a really bad day
Fun fact: His arteries are lined with velvet.
The fun starts tomorrow at 8 on CNN. If John King's hosting I hope he remembers his fire-proof overalls.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Note: Due to the Presidents' Day holiday, yesterday's regularly-scheduled garbage collection will actually happen last Saturday. Please make a note of it. ---Portland Public Retro-works Dept.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 28
Days `til the Pasadena Festival of Women Authors: 11
Number of transnational corporations, out of 43,000 studied, that control 40 percent of the global economy: 147
(Source: New Scientist via The Week)
Number of Facebookers and Twitterers, respectively: 800 million / 150 million
(Source: USA Today)
Rise in viewership of Knicks games since Jeremy Lin took over as a starter: 70%
(Source: Time)
Time it took America's pop culture media machine to make a majority of Americans sick of hearing about Jeremy Lin: 1 week
Page on which the table of contents appears in the latest issue of Details magazine: 42
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
The GOP is useless. I don’t blame Ann Coulter, she is just revealing who she is. Didn’t she date Bill Mahr? What more do you need to know beyond that? Ms. Coulter obviously loves the Washington party circuit, and is tailoring her schtick so she can stay on that circuit.
---A commenter at Free Republic
All together now: 1…2…3…
We know.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Tacumbusted!!!
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CHEERS to a Grand Old Party that ain't got nothin' to do with bein' Republican. Unbridled boob-baring and bead-swapping will abound today in New Orleans' French Quarter during the Mardi Gras celebration. But fair warning to the rest of us:
No risque' behavior elsewhere! You may see some people get carried away outside of the French Quarter--this is not a good idea! The police will politely remind them that they are in a family area, and if they don't stop, they can be arrested. You should also be careful ... it is distracting to kids and some adults---I know a man very well who decided to take a picture and was hit in the head by a float. :)
I love the little smiley face after the description of how a guy got flattened by a flatbed. Tee hee! Anyway, happy Fat Tuesday. And
keep your paws offa my King Cake baby, baby.
CHEERS and JEERS to sealin' the deal. The news everyone wants to hear this morning: Greece is saved!!! Whoooo!!! Thanks to a fresh new $170 billion bailout agreement, there will be no more suffering, wailing and uncertainty over a grim future…for the giant banks. As for ordinary Greek citizens: thanks to yet another wave of "very severe austerity measures," you get all the dirt stew you can eat and the privilege of living in a beautiful and historic country. Oh, and a reminder before you Grecians start celebrating your descent further down the crapper: please have the Parthenon loaded up on the flatbed trucks by noon---the IMF can't wait to set it up in their lobby.
(Barely Moderate) CHEERS to one of the less-offensive members of the wingnut party. Happy Birthday to Republican Senator and fellow Mainer Olympia Snowe (seen here relaxing at home), who turns 65 years old today. Our birthday wish for you, ma'am, as usual: retirement.
JEERS to coming out of the closet with embarrassing baggage. In Arizona, a Republican sheriff and Romney campaigner admits he's gay, but denies that he threatened to deport his former partner:
The Phoenix New Times alternative newspaper reported on Friday that [Paul] Babeu's lawyer had asked [former partner] Jose to sign a legal agreement that would require him to keep quiet about his involvement with the sheriff. According to the newspaper, the lawyer also warned Jose that any talk about their relationship could imperil his immigration status.
This brings up several questions. Starting with: A gay Republican Arizona border sheriff??? (It took me an hour just to be able to mouth those words in that order.)
CHEERS to letting your fingers do the walking. 134 years ago today, the first telephone book was issued by the District Telephone Co. of New Haven, Connecticut. It had 50 names and a hundred pizza coupons. Today so many people use the internet to find numbers that there are efforts floating around to make delivery of the phone book an "opt-in" thing. Still, it does have its uses. For one thing it gives the height-challenged something to sit on besides a plastic booster seat that screams, "Ignore me, I'm a child." For another thing, it may just help save our republic:
Members of Congress may not always be popular, but now Americans say nearly anyone could take their place. A full 43% of voters nationwide think a group of people randomly selected from a telephone book would do a better job than current legislators, a new Rasmussen Reports poll found.
Here, let me try. I'll close my eyes, pick up a random phone book, put my finger on a random page, and…[
Thrmp!!!]…Cain, Herman. Oh dear god…abolish the damn things.
JEERS to more crazy from the crazies. In response to complaints that it was training police officers to focus their efforts on monitoring and controlling those scary brown Muslims, a group called the Tennessee Freedom Coalition said that its work is necessary because the scary brown Muslims are trying to “alter the mindset and agendas of our society for the overthrow of our Constitution and the implementation of Sharia Islamic Law.” Yeah, whatever. I have a new attack dog to help me out whenever I hear this crap. So here, TFC, let conservative darling Chris Christie knock your white teeth in: "This sharia law business is crap. It’s just crazy. And I’m tired of dealing with the crazies." The enemy of my enemy…
CHEERS to progress. Yesterday American students spent an average of .001 percent of their time contemplating the meaning of President's Day, exceeding the experts' prediction of .0001 percent. In fairness, it was largely due to publicity surrounding yesterday's Xbox release, Mortal Kombat: Buchanan-Fillmore Cage Match.
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Five years ago in C&J: February 21, 2007
CHEERS to the religious right's worst nightmare. Gay couples came out of their sodomite dens in New Jersey yesterday to get legally hitched (via civil unions, not marriage). As was the case when similar laws went into effect in Vermont, Connecticut and Massachusetts, absolutely nothing Satanic happened. Yeah, but just wait 'til the year 2486...then you'll see where all this is headed.
JEERS to verbal whiplash. Here's a little personal integrity quiz: if a presidential candidate---say, John McCain---said that Donald Rumsfeld "deserves Americans' respect and gratitude" in November, wouldn't he appear to be an opportunistic flip-flopper if he says in February that Donald Rumsfeld "will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history"? Never mind, I'll just email the question to the Giuliani and Romney campaigns---they'll be happy to answer the question, I bet. Probably starting with billboards and working their way up to cable.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to spendin' a little time with the one that brung ya to the dance. I'm firing the confetti cannon and opening the bar early today to celebrate the 54th wedding anniversary of Kossack "mcmom" McCarter and her sweetie, Joe, aka "Old Timer." (You may be familiar with their daughter, Joan's, handiwork on the front page---that's some fine child-rearin' right there.) I tried to find out what the traditional gift is for #54, but there apparently isn’t one. So I'm going out on a limb and making it "roof insurance," knowing that next year the McCarter home is gonna get showered with emeralds and turquoise. Happy anniversary, you two. Tonight, in the Kossack tradition: pie by candlelight.
P.S. And happy blogiversary to TrueBlueMajority, aka UID 7504, for reaching the eight-year milestone as a Kossack today. Tonight, in the Kossack tradition: pie by candlelight. (Um…do we have any other traditions around here besides pie by candlelight???)
Have a nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I love Cheers and Jeers. It seems right here. The trees are the right height. I like seeing the kiddie pool. I love the kiddie pool. Just something very special here. Long may Bill in Portland Maine rule the world, let me tell you."
---Mitt Romney
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