From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I've Learned from Republicans During Primary Season
I know there's a ways to go before the GOP anoints its candidate, but to me it seems like the liveliest stretch of the campaign season is sealed in amber. Bachmann: out. Cain: out. The Texas governor whose name I forget (Oops!): out. Huntsman: [however you say "out" in Mandarin Chinese]. Gingrich: functionally out. No more debates. No more state fairs. While the memories are still fresh, here are a few of the things that I learned from the candidates over the last eight months:
> Social Security is a Ponzi scheme except when it's not and we must kill it to save it.
> The unemployment rate doesn’t matter.
> Building a colony on the moon is possible within 8 years.
> It takes 13,000 people living on a moon colony before it can apply for statehood.
> Building a fence that electrocutes Mexicans at the border will teach them a lesson
> Elvis was born on the day he died.
> Having a $500,000 revolving account at Tiffany's is no big deal--everybody has one.
> Corporations are people.
> It's acceptable to boo active-duty servicemembers who happen to be gay.
> 10 dollars in budget cuts in exchange for 1 dollar in tax increases is unacceptable.
> Satan has settled in America disguised as energy-efficient light bulbs.
> The rich are hurting and deserve tax cuts.
> The poor and unemployed are slacking and deserve benefit cuts.
> All our problems can be solved with a 9-9-9 plan.
> The press is made up of meanies.
> The best form of contraception is holding an aspirin between your knees.
> Political appointees of the Muslim faith need to sign a loyalty oath.
> Gay people can get married anytime as long as it's to a member of the opposite sex.
> Dogs love roaring down the highway strapped to the top of a car.
> Allowing the housing crisis to achieve the worst-case nightmare scenario is the wise thing to do.
> The auto industry's spectacular rise from the ashes wasn't done correctly so the results are illegitimate.
> Children are not scrubbing enough toilets.
> A politician who cheats on his wife is doing it out of fierce patriotism.
> A pregnancy created via rape or incest is a magical gift.
> Three federal departments that must be eliminated are Commerce, Education, and the third one.
> Trees in Michigan are the right height.
> If you can't afford health insurance and you get sick, have the courtesy to die before you get to the emergency room.
> HPV vaccinations cause mental retardation.
> America is the most powerful nation on the planet. Porn is going to destroy it.
> Lobbyists and historians are interchangeable.
>Barack Obama bailed out the banks in the fall of 2008 when he was president.
> Corn dogs yum!
My therapist thanks them all for sending me to him three days a week.
Oh, and a quick shoutout to Kossacks Blue aardvark, Bubbanomics and DixonCider, who all came up with the winning name for the C&J mascot: "Socialist Duckstick." A noble name that we hope it lives up to. Thanks to the 3,334 people who voted---it was a nice distraction. Now back to our regularly scheduled mayhem…
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Note: You are a liar, a thief and a traitor! Update: No, wait...that's Gladys in my knitting class. Never mind.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Easter: 18
Days 'til BaconFest Atlanta: 10
Number of small and medium-sized businesses that closed in Greece last year: 68,000
Number of jobs associated with them that disappeared: 135,000
(Source: The New York Times)
Number of years comic-book legend Stan Lee, 89, has been married to his wife Joanie: 64
Americans who think other people's manners with mobile devices are "good" or "excellent": 26%
Americans who think their own manners with mobile devices are "good" or "excellent": 91%
(Source: Ipsos poll via USA Today)
Expected high temperature in Portland, Maine today: 80
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 4 Kings of the East and 1 arm-wrestler for Jesus). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Stellaaaaaa!!!!!
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JEERS to zombie economics. Yesterday House Republicans exhumed the corpse of their previous poverty-on-steroids budget that got buried by public opinion last year. Then they dusted it off, put a hat on it and declared it ALIVE! But it still dismantles Medicare, shifts wealth from the poor to the rich, and stinks to high heaven:
In all, those tax breaks amount to a $3 trillion giveaway to the richest Americans and corporations, according to the Tax Policy Center. … Though Ryan offered no specifics, it’s clear that to avoid blowing a hole in the federal budget, the GOP will have to make up lost revenue by raising taxes on the poor and middle class (or by ending tax breaks that primarily benefit them) or by taking the axe to vital safety net programs that the poorest Americans---including women, infants, and children---depend on the most.
Democrats, fetch yer shovels. We got us some fresh buryin' to do. And loud.
CHEERS to the diplomats among us. On March 21, 1790, Thomas Jefferson reported to President Washington as America's first Secretary of State. And SPEAKING of the Secretary of State (Yesss…a seamless and awesome segue), Little Rock National Airport is being renamed after Hillary Clinton and her publicity-shy husband. And SPEAKING of the secretary of state AND aircraft (Jedi Segue Master strikes again!), Clinton has given the thumbs up to an expedition that hopes to finally locate Amelia Earhart's plane. And SPEAKING of expeditions (OMG! He hits the segue trifecta!), did you know that Clinton has logged 731,680 miles and 299 travel days since she took office? And SPEAKING of taking office (Oh, now you're just showing off), On March 21, 1790, Thomas Jefferson reported to President Washington as America's first Secretary of State. History's cool.
JEERS to the teardown artist. Mitt Romney's Super PAC won him another primary victory last night, this time in Illinois. I sat through his entire victory speech. In the span of ten minutes, he lost his place on the teleprompter several times, botched a joke, lied about Obama's record on oil production and light bulbs (what's with Republicans and their light bulb obsession???), and missed a chance to pander to the crowd about the sanctity of marriage by failing to wish his wife a happy 43rd wedding anniversary. His mechanics say he'll do better next time, once they've replaced his flux capacitator, re-soldered a few loose wires and topped off his fluids.
CHEERS to fighting wingnuttery with kneeslappery. Oh, snap:
While receiving a formal certificate of Irish heritage at a St. Patrick's Day celebration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama didn't miss a beat in taking a jab at the so-called "birther" movement. "This will have a special place of honor alongside my birth certificate," he joked, to great laughter.
If you click the link above and watch the clip, you'll see that the Irish prime minister doesn’t get the joke at first. But then he cracks up when it dawns on him that, oh yes, that's right, you have all those crazy buggers here. Close, sir. We prefer to call them 'baggers.
P.S. The president is up by 8 points over Romney in Virginia, a Democratic feat as improbable as Newt Gingrich doing another global-warming PSA with Nancy Pelosi. My prediction of an Obama landslide still stands.
JEERS to the priorities of the Bible thumpers. In New Hampshire today, the House will vote on the most urgent issue it can think of in this topsy-turvy world: jobs poverty yanking the legal right of gay couples to go to City Hall and get a marriage license having nothing to do with religion. The reason given by the bill's sponsors, who are acting against the wishes of the 60 percent of Granite Staters who think gay marriage is just fine, is pretty hard to refute: "?????" Apparently that's what passes for conservative intellectualism these days. The ghost of Buckley weeps.
CHEERS to the Nailbiter Heard Round the World. I remember it like it was just 731 days ago…mainly because it was. On March 21, 2010, the House finally passed the health insurance reform bill. And what a collection of "moments" we saw...from blue dog Bart Stupak's grandstanding over abortion, to John Dingell showing off his gavel, to the House leadership locking arms and walking through a canopy of teabaggers like the protagonists of The Wizard of Oz skipping down the yellow brick road, to the hecklers that created mass hysteria (Barney Frank's term), and finally the moment that nobody wanted to arrive because they were all having so much darn fun: the final 219-212 vote shortly before midnight. Today Democrats will mark the occasion with quiet reflection on a job well done. Republicans will mark the occasion by gnawing the bark off a tree.
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Five years ago in C&J: March 21, 2007
JEERS to our grumpy li'l cowboy. In addition to exhibiting a strange fixation on "klieg lights" during yesterday afternoon's phony temper tantrum, President Bush stared down the Democrats with a steely-eyed "Bring 'em on!" Because, of course, that strategy worked so well for him in Iraq.
CHEERS to getting better. Cheney was in the hospital yesterday after experiencing some leg discomfort. Doctors removed a tiny conscience fragment and say Bill Kristol will be able to start humping it again by the weekend.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a temporary thaw. Hey, I'm a lover not a fighter, so I'll jump on the Obama bandwagon and join him in wishing the Iranian people a Happy Nowruz. (He even closed his message with the traditional, "Eid-eh Shoma Mobarak," which loosely translated means "Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!" Admittedly, very loosely.) He even took the Iranian government to task for its heavy-handed censorship---an "electronic curtain." It was a classy and important thing to do. I know it was a classy and important thing to do because the right-wingers are grinding their teeth down to the nub over it---always a good sign that our side's doing something right. (And the reason why 4-out-of-5 dentists lean Democrat. They appreciate the business.)
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Bill in Portland Maine is mister peace and love. He loves flowers and nature. If I ever wonder where he is, he’ll be somewhere behind the bushes covered in mud.”
---Ricky Martin
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