From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
> The Supreme Court says corporations are people. The Supreme Court also says that people can be strip-searched for any reason whatsoever. Therefore, corporations can now be strip-searched for any reason whatsoever. Let's start with…[Snaps on latex glove]…oh, how 'bout Koch Industries.
> All the experts who were wrong about today's jobs numbers still have their jobs.
> Mitt Romney runs from his Mormon faith in public faster than a streaker at a British soccer match.
> For his next gig Keith Olbermann should deliver news and comment by projecting his head directly onto the moon every night.
> The Republican plan for healthcare reform is straight out of the Ron Popeil playbook: "Repeal it...and forget it!"
> Today we are all caterpillars.
> There's a 63.8 percent chance that Chief Justice John Roberts will fuck up again while administering the oath of office to Obama next January.
> Knowing I'm thiiiiis close to having a mid-life crisis is, in itself, a mid-life crisis.
> Conservatives get on the New York Times bestseller list by buying their books back in bulk to inflate their numbers. Rachel Maddow gets on the New York Times bestseller list by selling a ton of books.
> The biggest assholes in the country at this moment in time are Michigan Republicans.
> What Howard Dean sounds like when he's teaching a baking class: "YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour…!!!"
C'mon down below the fold and say hi. We're microwaving peeps.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 6, 2012
Note: Bwok bwok bwok bwok bwok bwok bwok Bwokkkk!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 16
Days 'til the Bodega Bay Fisherman's Festival in California: 22
Estimated number of people who wear contact lenses: 12 million
Estimated percent who clean them properly: 2%
(Source: American Optometric Association via Details)
Number of costumed characters who will appear at the 134th White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday: 99
Number of jelly beans produced each year: 16 billion
Height of the largest Easter egg ever built (by the Belgian chocolate producer Guylian): 27 feet
Puppy Pic of the Day: wee
CHEERS to fewer idle hands. The jobs numbers for March gave Democrats not great, but at least not catastrophic, news this morning: 120,000 jobs were created last month---with the usual caveat that it just means the spark plugs in America's economic engine aren't quite as wet as they used to be. (Imagine how much better those numbers would look if Republicans weren't busy setting fire to the public sector rolls.) On the brighter side: unemployment claims for last week were at a four-year low, and Michelle Obama announced that 15,000 jobs will be created for military spouses located near bases. Oh, and this: Mitt Romney will never ever become a federal employee. [BLAM!!!] No matter how tepid things may be, that's always a valid excuse to pull the string on the confetti cannon.
CHEERS to a holiday trifecta. In order of appearance:
- 1,979 years ago today, a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a guy to a cross while a filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 watched the poor sap bleed to death. Good Friday, my ass.
- Passover is now underway. For Jewish people it's a celebration of the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. For conservatives, it's a celebration of what modern-day Republicans do to competent people.
- Sunday is Easter, the day Christ the Savior rose from the dead. Also the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.
Please: gorge on Easter candy 'til you explode responsibly.
CHEERS to acing your test. You no doubt heard about this bit of Republican pettiness: after the President cautioned the Supreme Court to rule impartially on the Obamacare mandate, a federal appeals judge with a burr up his butt demanded a three-page, single-spaced statement from a junior Justice attorney responding to the president's words. He got a response signed by Attorney General Eric Holder himself. Last night Kossack 'Simple' pointed out this snarky line via email:
"The question posed by the Court regarding judicial review does not concern any argument made in the government's brief or in oral argument in this case, and this letter should not be regarded as a supplemental brief."
In other words: here's your effing homework assignment. You know where you can stick it. Thanks for wasting everyone's time. (The little hearts over the i's were a nice touch, I thought.)
CHEERS to Michele Bachmann…because we never jeer anyone (well, okay, Hitler) on their birthday. Yes, folks, Mrs. Googly Eyes was born 56 years ago in Waterloo, Iowa, the town where
John Wayne John Wayne Gacy lived in the state where her presidential aspirations met their Waterloo. All day long she said all kinds of childlike things and participated in wacky activities that made people point and laugh. Because why disrupt your normal routine just cuz it's your birthday?
CHEERS to little reminders. Thirty-two years ago today, Post-It Notes were introduced by 3M. The road to market was a textbook case of serendipity. Little-known fact: A Post-It Note is expected to play a role in archiving 43's accomplishments at the George W. Bush Preznidential Libary:
Took Oath. Broke Stuff.
Took Oath Again. Broke More Stuff.
Meanwhile 74 years ago, in 1938, Roy Plunkett invented Teflon
. It has saved many a meal...and many a presidency.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the goodies you might find on your teevee this weekend, starting with the new DVD releases that include Spielberg's Oscar-nominated War Horse, the Blu-Ray release of Chinatown and something called We Bought A Zoo, which I believe is about Sheldon Adelson's funding of the Gingrich campaign. The Masters golf tourney continues (ladies, make sure you get your husband's permission to watch so you don’t get in trouble with Augusta National) and Major League Baseball "swings" into action Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Saturday night ABC offers its annual Easter weekend airing of Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments, one of the best movies for turning off the volume and lip-synching to while you're stoned (or so I hear). Sofia Vergara hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes, making music in the Congo, and Germany's finance minister whines to his mother that "Greece is being mean to me!!!" And Sunday at 8 on National Geographic: James Cameron's heart goes on back to Titanic.
Tomorrow morning on Up! With Chris Hayes, guests include Van Jones, Joan Walsh, Mark Bittman and Patrick Shea, the attorney for climate change activist Tim DeChristopher. And on Melissa Harris-Perry: Rev. Al Sharpton, Prof. Jelani Cobb, Thomas Roberts and more.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Bunnies/Humans Ratio Index:
Meet the Press: Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Gov. John Kasich (R-OH); roundtable using Easter as an excuse to hawk organized religion: Archbishop-designate of Baltimore William Lori; Billy Graham's daughter Anne, United Methodist Pastor Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO); Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID); Jon Meacham.
Host David Gregory gives non-believers a chance to respond. Bunnies/Humans Ratio: 0/7
This Week: Millionaire Pastor Rick Warren hawks for-profit religion while his millionaire wife Kay plugs her new book about religion;
Host George Stephanopoulos gives non-believers a chance to respond; roundtable with George Will, Yahoo News's David Chalian, Michael Eric Dyson, Chrystia Freeland of Reuters, and Peggy Noonan. Bunnies/Humans Ratio: 0/7
Face the Nation: Bob Schieffer turns the show into an infomercial for organized religion with NY Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention, Rabbi David Wolpe of L.A.'s Sinai Temple, Rev. Luis Cortes of Esperanza USA, The Washington Post's Sally Quinn and Andrew Sullivan;
Schieffer gives non-believers a chance to respond. Bunnies/Humans Ratio: 0/6
Bill Moyers & Company (link): Paul Volcker on why banks are wrong
to undermine the Volcker Rule; Carne Ross on the power of ordinary people to effect changes in government and commerce; a Bill Moyers Essay. Bunnies/Humans Ratio: 0/3
Washington Week: John Dickerson of Slate on Romney…zzzzz…mentum; Karen Tumulty of the Washington Post on the GOP war on women; Jackie Calmes of The New York Times on why the conservatives on the Supreme Court are such dickheads; David Wessell of The Wall Street Journal on the jobs recovery. Bunnies/Humans Ratio: 0/4
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Newt Gingrich; Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND) and Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI); roundtable with Steve Hayes, Mara Liasson, Brit Hume and David Drucker. Wow---no shameless religion pimping. Color my Easter eggs impressed! Bunnies/Humans Ratio: 0/7
34 humans, 0 bunnies. Your harebrained media hard at work. But happy hippity hoppity viewing, anyway.
Five years ago in C&J: April 6, 2007
JEERS to the man behind the rhododendron. Looking like the kid nobody wanted to pick for the 3rd grade kickball team, Dick Cheney spent his time lurking in the White House weeds during Bush's Tuesday press conference. When told about his odd behavior, Laura Bush said, "Well, at least he's not doing it in our bedroom anymore."
JEERS to a double-barreled phony. Mitt Romney---the candidate who appears to have nothing behind his eyes except an ATM---is at it again. After claiming to be "a hunter pretty much all my life," he had to backpedal when it was revealed that his "experience" was pretty much limited to shooting an arthritic rabbit and a drugged quail. Yeah---just the kind of guy whose finger we want on the nuclear button.
And just one more…
CHEERS to geeking out at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Total coolness: Google is using it's Street View gadgetry to do a micro-map of the White House so you can take a 360-degree tour of the place in super-high resolution. I hear you'll even be able to zoom in on the paintings to count the brushstrokes. We'll let you know when it goes live so we can all play hooky and take the virtual tour together. (I need someone to help me resist the urge to unholster my crayons and scribble on the virtual walls.)
That's all I got. Have a nice weekend. No, wait...have an eggcellent weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?