Last night, Bill Maher ripped into the Republicans for claiming to be pro-life and anti-abortion, and yet then also opposing Plan B and HPV vaccines.
And finally, New Rule: Stop saying Republicans are waging a war on women. It's not women they hate, it's women having sex that doesn't end with a baby popping out. Sex in their mind is for procreation, not recreation. The same way the G-spot is seen as just another liberal hoax that needs more study. (audience laughter and applause)
All right, I bring this up because, besides the heroic Wendy Davis, there were two stories in the news last week dealing with teenage sex. And just to be safe, the Vatican issued a denial. (audience groans) Yeah, you'll get over it.
One story was about Plan B. That's the morning after pill that the FDA says is safer than Motrin, and which any American can now buy over the counter, just like milk and ammo. And because it's a birth control pill, it will prevent abortions.
Now the other story was about the vaccine for HPV, which is the STD that leads to cervical cancer, and how that vaccine, since its introduction in 2006, has reduced teenage infections by 56%.
All good news, right? Wrong! No, over in Family Values World, things like Plan B and the HPV vaccine are bad, because they remove God's natural intended punishments for sluts who put out. (shocked audience laughter) It's true.
A) being saddled with a baby you don't want, or
B) stricken with a horrible disease.
You don't think that's how these people think? Then tell me why conservatives always couch their objections to the HPV vaccine in "parental rights", but never complain about other state-mandated vaccines their kids have to get. Why not throw a shit fit about the measles vaccine? Or mumps, rubella, whooping cough, chicken pox? Because you don't get those diseases from screwing or yodeling in the canyon. (audience laughter turns into cheering)
They do not want a vaccine for HPV, because that's the good kind of cancer, that makes hussies think twice about going all the way. Ron Paul — a fucking doctor! — said this vaccine, which prevents thousands of cases of a fatal disease, was "not good medicine". And Michele Bachmann said it caused mental retardation. Her source? The New England Journal of A Lady Who Stopped Me on the Street and Told Me That. (audience applause)
Yes, Republicans actually think this vaccine encourages girls to have sex, because now there are no consequences. Just the way when I got my first tetanus shot, I couldn't wait to jab rusty nails into my feet! (audience laughter) It was a freebie!
But studies have been done on this, and girls who get the HPV shot become no more sexually active than girls who do not. It's not like they see the needle getting stuck in and go, "Ooh, that gives me an idea!" (audience laughter)
They already have the idea. One in three 16-year-olds in America are having intercourse. To deny them access to the vaccine or Plan B as a means of preventing them from doing it, is like not giving them an umbrella so it won't rain. (audience applause)
And Plan B, again, is not an abortion pill. Quite the opposite. It's a dose of hormones that prevents ovulation. You know, ovulation, when a tramp's ovaries release an egg. (audience laughter) So there is no egg for the sperm to fertilize. So "unborn life" doesn't enter into it. If you have a problem with it, it's because you and your invisible friend just don't like people having sex.
If Republicans were really pro-life, they'd endorse making Plan B free to women everywhere. Of course, plenty of ministers' daughters are going to be using Plan B too. And good. Why should there be shame if on one night, a curious teenager loses herself in a moment of passion and says, "OK, you can stick it in, but just for a minute." Not knowing that a 16-year-old boy couldn't last a minute if he tried! (wild audience laughter and applause)
